I'm back

Ok, so I deleted this blog & brought it back...I was reading some past posts & decided that I am so over myself!!!! BLECH...I mean I Know that is what blogging is about, but come on. The same shit everyday? Time to change...

One thing I've learned is to stop making declarations. So, here's the deal...I just felt like writing a little something & decided to post here. But I may delete some past posts. I don't feel they are very productive...Some blogs actually have progression & show it. Mine is just a big whine I think. Anyway, 2012 is my year. I am hoping to get a small camcorder to record my progress & then post them at once ;) I hope to inspire myself & then others...

So to be continued...

Happy New Year!!!!

Love

Asian

I'm deleting this blog

Sick

Yuck, been sick since Thanksgiving. Part of me thinks it's because I ate everything & put bread back into my system. Body was pissed off! I finally broke down & took Advil Cold & Sinus meds, and am finally feeling a bit better. My nasal passages sealed up like a ziploc bag & now are somewhat open. That's about it.

I'm over myself

I think I am done talking about food & my journey on it, in it & through it. I am over it! Whatever will be, will be. Now if I turn out looking like a super model, I promise to share!!

I had a really good talk with my brother & it's nice to have support on my journey. I don't care what anyone else says, everybody needs support! My newest thing is to give out the best possible energy to all those whom I stumble across. Now with my being a homebody, I guess that might be a bit hard, but you get the general idea! I am vibing so that you have health & happiness! My perspective on life is turning around in a good way & well life is just easier. Even at my unhealthy overweight self, I am receiving great energy from all over. I know for a fact it's because I am putting it out there. I am ready to give.

I guess that's it because right now I am going to give my eyes a rest & take a nap! I love you all & hope you have had a stellar day!

Asian

Drama

Ok, I was a bit dramatic in my last post, but I do tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve. One thing I've learned is that I can't let my emotions control my life. Sigh...I really think I am going to start a new anonymous blog. I'll let ya know!

Heart Broken

Ok...I don't have a title for this post yet, but after watching this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=es6U00LMmC4 - I have decided to not anything with a face or that takes a shit. I know, very blunt straight up, but after watching this video, I feel like my heart has been ripped out of me & that my breath has completely been taken away. Seriously, I've been crying & sleeping all day, that is how powerful this man's speech is.

Also, I have to say this with utmost respect, my husband has been a First Class Asshole about the whole thing. He doesn't get it & I don't think he ever will. Asshole. Yeah I said that. I'll say it again - ASSHOLE. I started bawling & he stormed off MAD AT ME. WTF? Go Fuck yourself.

Anyway, I don't have time to waste energy on that mess. I am making a concious decision again like I said to not eat anything that has a face or takes a shit. Plain & simple! How I accomplish this is going to be simple, I am eating fruits & veggies & the haters can Shut The F*ck Up!

Ok-glad I got that out of my system. Don't worry, I am not going to get all Crazy PETA on you...well, I may pose nude once my body transforms. Hey - why not!??!?!

Love to you all & all the little animals out there.

Asian

I've been cheating on Atkins

So Turkey day came & went & of course I went off my diet. Oh CHILD! Gained a bit of weight, but eh...I will tell you what has happened to my body since I got off Atkins:

1. My allergies have hit me full force - so congested!
2. The Bloat came back full swing. WHOA!
3. Slept way too much

Ok-now with that being said, here's what I've done since. I am cheating on Atkins with The Cabbage Soup Diet. Since then this is what has happened:

1. Allergies still suck
2. Bloating has gone away
3. Losing weight

And here are my thoughts....As you all know, I've been searching for the "Answer" to my weight loss. In the beginning I knew my body was out of whack - i.e. hormones, etc. Now I am more of just following through to see how my body responds. I've really thought going vegan or raw was the answer, but I will admit it's really hard! So with that being said, I think I may have found somewhat of an answer. After countless hours on the interwebs, I have found the Paleo Diet. It's a perfect mix of no grains, dairy or sugar! YIPPEE! Because going gluten free is hard to find recipes, but Paleo peops have their food down to a science. It includes grass fed meats & tons of veggies + complex carbs. I know, I've been all over creation with this, but I am excited. Just excited because I can cook (YES-I am still digging it) & be healthy & not completely give up things. It's hard to explain, but just a feeling of ultimate health sounds like bliss to me.

Ah bliss...who doesn't want it?!?! So my friends, my journey continues, but it continues with a genuine wink & smile.

Love!

Asian

Day Sixteen - Week 3

Uhm...yeah...so still on Atkins...

I just have one announcement:

GLUTEN IS THE DEVIL

I have been stalking veganbodybuilding.com & found a profile I liked. So I have been reading her blog & seeing what she eats, etc. Steel Cut Oats are part of her routine & I remembered that Costco has frozen steel cut oats that are really good. WRONG. They still taste great, but I ate one serving as a snack with peanut butter & passed out for 3 hours & woke up like a bloated whale. WTF? How is that possible within hours?!?!? Needless to say, I am not touching bread or anything with gluten in it ever again. Geeze! Really?!?!? I even got a mile in on my treadmill this evening because I feel like crap.

I am going to cruise on Atkins for a bit & then after Turkey Day do something radical. Stay tuned, will try to post over the next couple of days, but more than likely will start blogging again after the holidays. Till then - Cheers!!!

Day Fourteen

Whoa...Had the most amazing night of my life on Thursday. Front row tickets to Sting & he smiled at me. Through a sea of faces in a crowd, his gaze fell on me & genuinely smiled at ME!!! So did the guitar player & now I officially feel like I am all that. Ok, not really, but I can't get that evening to leave my head & I almost don't want it to. I've been obsessed with Sting since I was in Jr. High & to be that close to him in proximity & have him smile at me has truly made a lifelong dream come true.

Ok, back to reality...Tomorrow I'll be starting week 3 of my new lifestyle journey. I am going to finish off any meats we have in the next couple of days & switch gears to vegan. I know, I've been all over the place, but the sad truth is that I've only lost 4 lbs in two weeks. I am a little disappointed & well, feel like my heart's been ripped out, but I am going to keep going. Today I had a pity party & didn't work out, but I am going to lift weights again & cardio tomorrow. Yeah, for now I am a sad panda. I just want to try & really find my groove. I have been stalking vegan blogs & veganbodybuilding.com.

Other worldly results aside from losing weight - my skin is still reacting very well to nothing processed in my body. Also, I don't feel all bloated - & my energy is finally evening out. Oh, the one thing I do want to say about the Atkins Induction Phase is that I am grateful it helped get me off sugar & breads. You see, I've been a bread monkey all of my life & it's one of the hardest things I've had to do. So I am grateful for that jump start. I now wish to fill my body with good for me things. I don't expect to be perfect in it, but I have to try. Failure to do so is not an option. Ok, I guess that's my rant for the day.

Day Twelve

Today I have great energy! I don't know, I am just rolling with it. I can't put anything together to figure out this energy roller coaster. The good news is that I got in a decent workout today. Me STRONG! lol!


So workout was as follows with two sets of each:


Lat Pulldown
Chest Press (free weights)
Leg Curl
Leg Extension
Bicep Curl
Tricep kick back
Front & Rear delts

I also included a 5 minute abs video & 25 minutes on the treadmill to reach a mile. I am crossing my fingers tomorrow I'll have some good energy so I can do my fun day cardio day! Kickboxing, Boot Camp, Wii Dancing, etc.

Food wise I am doing ok. I really need to get a handle on my snacks. I may just get some Atkins Bars. Like one would be good to have right now post workout. That's it for now.

Tonight is Sting, so I probably won't update until tomorrow!!!

Ciao!

Asian

Day Eleven - Update

I'm not going to lie. My ass got handed to me today. I don't know what the hell happened within the past 24 hours, but my energy went from 100% to lik 25%. I so did not work out & worked through a horrendous headache instead. I took a nap & am still battling eye strain. WTF?

So tonight we had a yummy dinner though. I thought I bought Rib Eye Steak, but I accidently bought Pork Rib Eye Steak & it was soooooooooooooooooo good! We broiled it & also steamed a head of cauliflower & dumped a ton of butter on it. Very tasty & filling. Ugh...I REALLY hope & pray tomorrow that I feel better. I mean I have to go see Sting!!! Will get to Sting no matter what...

Ok - that's it.

AJ

Day Eleven

It's so hard not to weigh myself! I totally weighed myself this morning & I am down another pound. BUT, that is subject to change - As long as the scale is going down & the lbs are leaving for good, I am ok with that.

Today my energy is not like it was yesterday. Not sure why. The only thing I can think of is that I ate a hotdog on Sunday with the bun. I can't do that again. I got headaches, etc. all over again. Weird huh? My lymph node is still bothering me. I am hoping that my workouts will help with this as well as adding greens into my lunch & dinner. I am on a broccoli trip right now. I can have 2 cups cooked broccoli. Also, I have some fresh spinach I can cook into my eggs. I know, I am supposed to give up dairy! But, so far just eggs.

I think I am going to dip into a liver cleanse on Friday. Tomorrow night is Sting!!! Wit woo!!! But after that it's down to business again.

Anyway, I haven't worked out yet, but I plan on doing about a 20 minute boot camp & maybe 10 min of kick boxing.

Peace out!

Asian

Day Ten

Ok...so this morning was just like every other morning. I woke up, and eased into my day. I usually get going around 7-7:30, but it just depends on the day. Anyway, last night my husband deep fried a whole chicken in our deep fryer (the one we use at thanksgiving that has to be outside). Can you say YUM?!?! I've been eating off that since last night. It was breakfast & lunch too.

So I did something I haven't done in a couple of weeks. Actually I did two things. The first one was to drink some coffee. I put whipping cream in there with some stevia. Can I get a second YUM?!?!?

The second thing I did was work out. Since I am not on a timeline, I just waited until I was done digesting breakfast & then hit the weights. I literally did the most basic of basic workouts any human being can do. I did two sets of the following:

Chest Press (free weights)
DB Row
Leg Extenstion
Hamstring Curl
Tricep push down
Bicep Curl
Front & lateral shoulder raises

I am lucky that I have all this equipment just sitting around since I used to be a personal trainer. I think I'll try my hand at a boot camp style workout tomorrow & kickboxing (we have a standing punching bag). For now, I plan on doing total body workouts 3 times a week. That may change as I get stronger, but for now I am trying to build a foundation.

The reason I drank coffee this morning was in hopes of getting my bm's moving. That seems to be the only drawback from this diet. Luckily, my friend Cheryl, is a low carb expert! She is my go to Atkins guru & she is giving me pointers & tips on things. The other great perk (pun intended) is that the coffee gave me tons of energy! I've never felt the effects like this before. Well, that's it for today. Stay Strong!

Asian

Day Nine - Update

Ok, so I've been prodded from all over to stay on Atkins for at least the full two weeks. I think I am just crazy nervous because we are going to see Sting this Thursday & I really wanted to be extra pretty for this date. Even though I am not going to be anywhere near my goals, I kind of just want Thursday night to come & go so I don't have anything else to focus on. Ya know? Get through this & then keep on going.

So I guess Atkins for a while. Thanks for stepping onto the crazy ride that is my lifestyle change :) One thing I refuse to do this time is give up. I can say that cutting out sugar & breads, etc. has made a difference in bloat & my skin. Like Dory says in Finding Nemo - Just keep swimming!!!

Love to everyone.

Asian

Day Nine

Did I mention I was going on the zig zag diet? Well color me silly, I actually have to go to the grocery store to accomplish this ;). I was in town this morning & was going to go to Whole Foods, but it was a zoo. So I headed to the 99 Ranch Mkt for my hubs. I got him some sushi & rice & picked up some hot sauce for me.

So I think I may stick to Atkins a couple more days. It's easy at this point. But I know more than anything I need greens in my body. I know I am lacking something. So off to the store I go.

Hugs!

Asian

The Zig Zag Diet

Since I am kind of blog illiterate, I am just posting what I have on a word document. Very restrictive & monotonous, but it works! So here goes:

JNL’s Lean & Mean Rotation Food Plan
Also known as Zig Zag Food Plan
Low Carb/High Carb Rotation for One Month (21 Days)


Goal: To reach Ketosis: Most people experience a condition called ketosis when they suddenly go from a high-carbohydrate diet to a low-carbohydrate diet. This occurs when ketone molecules are circulating in the blood in a high amount than on the previous high-carbohydrate diet. Ketosis is a normal physiologic state caused by very normal and healthy body functions contrary to the myths, distortions and lies published by the vegetarians and other high-carbohydrate diet supporters. Ketosis allows the body to function efficiently and live off fat when necessary. We want to unlock our fat stores to properly burn them off! My Lean & Mean Food Plan will allow you to burn off your fat while keeping your muscle!

Food Plan A-1 Carb

Meal One
1 Protein
1 Complex Carb
1 Fibrous/Vegetable Carb

Meal Two
Shake

Meal Three
1 Protein
1 Fibrous/Vegetable Carb

Meal Four
Shake

Meal Five
1 Protein
1 Fibrous/Vegetable Carb

Meal Six
Shake

Food Plan B-No Carb

Meal One
1 Protein
1 Fibrous/Vegetable Carb

Meal Two
Shake

Meal Three
1 Protein
1 Fibrous/Vegetable Carb

Meal Four
Shake

Meal Five
1 Protein
1 Fibrous/Vegetable Carb

Meal Six
Shake

Food Plan C-2 Carb

Meal One
1 Protein
1 Complex Carb
1 Fibrous/Vegetable Carb

Meal Two
Shake

Meal Three
1 Protein
1 Complex Carb
1 Fibrous/Vegetable Carb

Meal Four
Shake

Meal Five
1 Protein
1 Fibrous/Vegetable Carb

Meal Six
Shake


Guidelines:

Sweet Potato trumps all other “complex carbs”
You can never get fat off of sweet potato! You may get full or “spill over” but never fat!
If you have to choose between eating brown rice and sweet potato go for sweet potato!

No: Corn, Carrots, or Peas!
Yes: Broccoli, Brussel Sprouts, tomatoes, spinach

Sweet Potato is equal to brown rice.

A food scale is ideal to use.
Portions:
Sweet Potato 8oz.


Rotation Split

DAY 1 PLAN A
DAY 2 PLAN A
DAY 3 PLAN A
DAY 4 PLAN B
DAY 5 PLAN B
DAY 6 PLAN C
DAY 7 PLAN C
DAY 8 PLAN B
DAY 9 PLAN B
DAY 10 PLAN B
DAY 11 PLAN B
DAY 12 PLAN A
DAY 13 PLAN A
DAY 14 PLAN C
DAY 15 PLAN B
DAY 16 PLAN B
DAY 17 PLAN B
DAY 18 PLAN B
DAY 19 PLAN B
DAY 20 PLAN C
DAY 21 PLAN C

Day Eight - Week Two

So I woke up like a kid on Christmas because I couldn't wait to see how much I weigh. Here it is:

175.2

Uh, it's great that I have lost, but I was hoping for like an 8 lb loss! My scale is like The Biggest Loser scale, so when I first got on it, it said 174.6. Yippee! Then, it went up to 175.2. Ha! Fooled me :) I am grateful for the loss. I just need to ramp it up a bit.

I will stay on Atkins today & move into zig zag tomorrow. Peace!

Asian

Day Seven

Still not weighing in, but I will weigh in tomorrow. I am going to move out of induction (Per Atkins you are supposed to stay here for two weeks, but I am moving on!). This week I will give up dairy & add in more veggies + complex carbs. I am going to embark upon a zig zag diet. I love/hate this diet. It's something figure competitors use to lean out so it's insanely healthy, but there is ZERO tolerance for variation. I've used this diet before to lose weight for my wedding & special occasions. My birthday is next month & I really want to make a dent in my physique & see how far I can push myself. Long story short, this diet works! I will see if I can post it on here. I have to dig it out of my diet archives.

So the withdrawal/detox symptoms are gone. No headaches - yay! I still got the stank, but once I get rid of the dairy & eat up more veggies I know it'll go away. My skin is clearing up & is smoother, but I have a looooooooooong way to go with my skin. I attribute that to my increase in water intake. The other TMI thing, is uhm, I haven't had really regular bm's. Yeah, I know gross, but I am wondering if it's the lack of veggies. That is my guess!

I don't really crave the breads & pastas, but I do get a mental thing about sugar. It just tastes so damn good :) Really my ultimate goal is to get into great shape again & then eat what I want in moderation. But we'll visit that when it happens.

My diet is still lacking veggies, but in the zig zag diet I'll be eating them twice a day. I plan on working out too. Nothing hard core, just basic weight lifting & cardio. I feel so weak!!! I want to be strong again. I'll post my workouts too.

HEY-GUESS WHAT?!?! I am actually doing it this time!!!! I am not looking back either. I am ready to go back to shopping for size six clothing & getting free drinks based on my looks ;) Believe it or not, that used to happen & believe it or not, it will again!!!!

Hugs & more Hugs!!!

Asian

Day Five

Skipping weigh in until Sunday. Mother nature decided to visit.

Day Four

Ok...here's the low down. Yesterday I got the 'induction flu. I was awfully weak & headaches & felt light headed. Yikes. Just add PMS on top of this & BAM - Crazy, irritable Beotch!!!!

Anyway, this morning I felt really good. I went on a walk with a friend this morning & by the time we were done I really had to pee. So the next sentence is TMI-so skip ahead if you don't want to know. My pee was the color of beer. Euw~! I know! But, my pee is never the color of beer, so I am thinking maybe it's the toxins I am releasing? My lower abdomen kind of aches too...Aside from that, my shoulders really ache today. Like I've been holding 10 pound weights in the air for hours. I am going to push through this though. If it kills me!

I was lucky enough to find out that my friend I was walking with does low carb & she said everything I am going through is normal - including the stinkiness! Thank you GOD! I was like, I can't handle this awful stench my body is outputting. I guess I need to drink tons more water.

Well, I am exhausted & going to rest my weary bones. I really need to get to the grocery store, but am having a hard time being able to move around right now. I hope I get through this phase quickly as I want to exercise!

Before I forget:
Today's Weight: 176 even

The moment I get out of the 170's I swear I am going to throw a party!!!!!!

Day Three

Ok-good news! I am down 2 lbs! Yippee!!!

Starting Weight: 178.6
11/8/11: 176.4

So I had a monstrous headache yesterday. Like incapacitated. I haven't given up caffeine, so I am sure it's the sugar withdrawals. YikeS! But I have good energy in the mornings, so I am going to utilize that time to get things done. The only other drawback is that I smell like a cavewoman. Yuck-the body odor is horrible :( BUT, I am only doing this phase for two weeks, so 11 more days to go & then I can readjust my diet so I am not so stanky. Blech...

I am finally hopefull. I haven't cried so far this morning, so that's a good thing! Uhm...let's see. Oh, about the cavewoman smell, I think I am going to have to sweat it out. My lymph node is still swollen. I may do a liver cleanse after the induction phase. Anyway, hugs!!!

Asian

Day Two

So as you all know, I've been battling this silly little weight thing & have tried time & again to find my stride. It's been an incredibly huge emotional roller coaster & it's really hard to explain the why. One of the things I've discovered about myself is that my body is very sensitive. There are a lot of things that I shouldn't eat that mostly everyone else can. I understand the gluten/wheat thing. From what I've read, it's not that great for you. Dairy, well I love dairy, but my body pretty much says No. As for the meat, poultry side of things, I can eat that if it doesn't taste anything like it! lol - I know...bizarre, but true. Like fish, blech...cannot tast like fish!

There are soooooooooooooooooooo many different 'things' out there as to what to follow. More than anything, I try to listen to my body & seek the guidance of my therapist. Like I have decided to loosely follow Atkins induction Phase to get me jump started. Now, I am excited about this because I know it's something I can follow. I started it yesterday & only cried once (I'll explain this later). I'm not sure what my body is trying to tell me, but my right side lymph node in my armpit is really swollen & tender to the touch. Usually this happens when I eat badly, so I am not sure if it's a detox thing or my body is rebelling against the high protein/fat it's intaking. The second thing going on, is that I woke up with a lot more energy. However, I gained weight :( Sigh...I must push through & see what I can do!

So yesterday I was hungry & wanted to make a taco shell-les salad. I pulled out my Organic lettuce & it was really nasty. Brown spots everywhere...Blech! So I turned to plan B & decided to make some hamburger patties. They totally tasted awful & all I could think of was complete & utter fail. How the hell can you mess up a HAMBURGER patty? Well apparently I have found a way ;) So I told my husband about this & then just started bawling. I mean - snot slinging & tears rolling down my cheeks. The whole breathing abnormally. It was such a disappointment to me. I think it had to do with wanting this low carb thing to work so badly. So, my husband sweetly calmed me down & made me laugh & all was well.

Fast forward to this morning, I decided to cook breakfast for my husband. I was making bacon & the damn oil jumped out of the pan & burned me. So needless to say, the tears started rolling down my cheeks. My husband couldn't help but laugh (not in a mean way). I am so melodramatic! I was like 'This shit's too hard!!! ' Sigh...but I finished cooking for both of us (well Alex finished the bacon ;) for no other than safety reasons). I drank a cup of tea & watched The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I am much calmer now & will not give up hope. I may cry every day I am on this induction journey, but at least I am following through.

I hope all is well with everyone & thanks for being supportive on this journey!!!

Asian

Second Post of the Day

Damn, damn, damn! SO the chicken in a pot came out good, but I could taste the damn chicken as a chicken. Blech....So I ate it with sweet potato & onion to drown out the taste of the chicken. It looks like I may just have to become vegan. Sigh...The food journey/evolution continues...

Husband enjoyed it so I can separate our leftovers :)

Lots of Hugs!!!

Kale Chips

So I tried my hand at kale chips yesterday. I took a recipe from one of Becky's Blogs http://mustfollowrecipes.blogspot.com/search/label/dairy%20free. I keep trying to link stuff on here, but my computer is not cooperating! Anyway, I wasn't quite sure what to expect because I've never eaten kale - I've only heard how it's really good for you. The first batch I baked for 15 minutes. At first I was like 'Uh, I think this is right?!?!' I thought they were too crisp so I cooked the second batch for 10 minutes. That was a HUGE difference in texture/taste. Turns out I liked my first batch better. The kale shrinks so much that they become paper thin & literally melt in your mouth. I dig it & will make this on a weekly basis. I figure I at least get some greens in somehow right?

Tonight I am making this recipe - Chicken & Potatoes in the oven. I pulled it from this Blog: http://gfcfblog.blogspot.com/. I am using sweet potato for me & regular potatoes for my husband. I am hoping I don't taste the chicken. For those of you who don't know - every time I eat a piece of an animal (red meat, chicken, turkey, etc.) it literally tastes like it was just killed & skinned, plucked whatever. I am one of the lucky few who has discovered that I am just a sensitive person when it comes to my body. Like for example, if I eat an apple, I taste the soil, the stem & whatever goes into growing an apple. I am coming to terms with all this & am hoping that in time by eating well & healthy that my taste buds will change for the better.

I kind of want to start a new blog about my GF/DF/SF journey. What do y'all think?!?!? I'll post later about my chicken dish.

Peace!

Asian

Much Better :D

Ok, I just re-read my last post & WAAAAAAAAAH (what a baby I was....) But such is life & all things that go with it. I really appreciated Becky commenting :) I kind of logged off for a few days & realized that things do get better.


Now for anyone who knows me, please don't pass out when I say this. I am really starting to like cooking. Like I've said before...Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! For now, I am grilling & baking a lot of chicken. I don't like red meat so much, but I know how to pan cook chicken where it tastes really good. A little onion & eggplant & voila, a good nutritious meal.

So it does turn out that I am on a low carb diet. No wheat, dairy or sugar. Lots of veggies & lean meats. I still haven't ruled out fruit - I love fruit! But, it's almost November & I am not sure what fruit is in season. Making it to Whole Foods is journey as there are none close to where I live. Anyway, thanks again Becky http://boysrulemylife.blogspot.com/ for the encouraging words! You rock!!!

Love

Asian

Blech

That's how I feel right now. I woke up feeling nauseous & it hasn't gone away. Blech...Yet, I still dragged my ass to the grocery store! Growing up SUCKS. I wish someone would have told me a long time ago that I will need a shit ton of money to live the way I want to - i.e. pay someone to do my shopping for me. I am totally miss cranky pants right now because I can be. What I mean by growing up sucking is I am responsible for my life. Blah, blah blah....

Sigh...It's like this shit is hard. I can only imagine people who have serious complications on top of that. So my therapist, as I stated in my last post, wants me to go gluten free. Well, she said 'No sugar & no wheat.' Simple enough right?!?! WrONG. Something is going on with me because I am still really sad & I think it has to do with the fact that I have to cook & shop for myself. You know, normal everyday things that most people do all the time without batting an eyelash. Sad truth is, I am not very fond of things called the grocery store. I sat in my car in tears because of the unkown that is this place with bountiful of foods that help you stay alive. Truly, it's a place of sheer terror for me because I have no fucking clue what I am doing there. I guess in laymen's terms, it's like my trying to do calculus when I was an English Lit major. ....

Ok, NO my life doesn't suck. Changing eating habits does. I know, I know...I am supposed to be positive about this shit, but it's hard. One day at a time...one day at a time. Tonight I am going to try some eggplant chicken dish. It's GF/DF/SF. Oh please cooking Gods, let this be a great dish.

Well, I hope everything is well in your world. I am going to go cry in a corner until I have to start this cooking thing again.

Asian

Gluten Free

Ok...after talking to my therapist this weekend, she strongly urged that I go gluten free/sugar free. I am going to add dairy free to this as well. I've been on a fucked up roller coaster ride for the past 6 years & I am ready to get off. I am ready to put my feet back on the ground & walk around to see what else is going on at the carnival.

So instead of torturing myself about what to eat, I am just going to eliminate sugar & wheat & dairy from my diet. Should be interesting, but I need to cling to something & follow through. Before everyone faints & people turn over in their graves, I've actually started cooking. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...Don't tell ANYONE. Blech...Ok, not blech. Cooking isn't that bad & I actually follow recipes very well. Who knew?!?! There are some things I want/need:

A mixing bowl
Stainless Steel Cookware
An Apron

OMG-I am BACK in the 50's!!! But I can empathize with the ladies that came before us. I am BORED out of my mind staying at home. I don't mind not working, but I have way too much idle time. So naturally I have to gravitate to something that benefits me, my health & my husband. PLUS, we don't have a ton of disposable income, so I have to do things that are virtually cost free. So please, if you actually are reading this, wish me luck on my ventures!!!

Will keep you posted...

XXOO

Asian

Raw Foods

Ok...so here we go again. I keep trying to learn to cook (I have actually been somewhat successful), but I keep getting this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I need to stay away from animal products. More than anything for these reasons: 1) I am lactose intolerant 2) Everytime I eat any animal meat, I literally taste the game & not the flavor. BLECH! It's like it just literally got plucked or butchered. More so than anything, I think it's a health thing too.

Here is where I get stuck. I am stepping into this with absolute uncertaintity if I am doing this correctly. Like, is this really the way I should be doing it? Are these detox symptoms or am I just not eating enough. Oh the flood (I am talking Noah's Ark flood) of questions that come through the pipe. I am not being lazy, just overly cautious. I do know this, whenever I eat fresh fruit, I feel alive. I don't feel tired. The hard part for me is veggies. Why the fuck are vegetables so hard to contend with!?!?

Sigh...This sadness thing is coming in waves now. I'll be okay & then BAM - I feel like I am in mourning. I Am going to get my head shrunk this weekend, so I'll post about how that goes.

On a good note, the weather here in TX has turned phenomenal!!! No a/c needed, just open windows :) Anyway, I guess I just have to put one foot in front of the other when it comes to food. Ok, well thanks for listening.

Asian

Hmph

Ok...I think I may have figured out a bit of my sadness...I think it's my grandfather's birthday. I really miss him. My Jewish grandparents were a huge part of my life growing up. It's just so weird to not get that birthday card or phone call. I don't know. I think there is still a lot of anger I need to work through as well. A lot has to do with my husband I think. Don't get me wrong, he is sweet as pie & treats me like a princess, but that doesn't mean he doesn't make mistakes. It's hard to not remember those mistakes sometimes. No cheating involved, just a lot of WHY?!?!?!?!

Sadness

I haven't written in months...Well, Yeah, Ok - I haven't really HAD anything to write about. Does anyone really care what I write anyway?! lol - I am truly just writing what I feel because typing is easier than writing these days.

So for some unknown reason, a huge wave of sorrow hit me today. It was about mid afternoon & for the life of me I can't figure out why. I don't have depression...I am thinking maybe it's a form of anger? It was such a huge hit, that I almost didn't go hang out with my family whom I absolutely love & adore. Could it be the death of old me? But why the fuck would I worry about her?!?!?!

I've been listening to music for the past two hours & I realize that my life has to revolve around music in some form. It truly makes the world go around. Ok, my point for bringing this up is it totally affects my mood!!!! Does that happen to you?! I have to admit, the music lover in me is incredibly bi-polar. Love all kinds (except country music - that is like scraping nails down a chalkboard for me). Ooooooooooooh...I think I am getting it. I need to stay unplugged. I just got back from vacation from Hawaii & didn't really have any ties to social media. That has to be it.

I've been reading books like they are going out of style. I forgot how much I love to read. Hmmm....I think this damn post is bi-polar. I am all over the place. But mostly I want to write about the sadness. I haven't felt this in eons. I don't have anything to be sad about unless it's something that is going to happen. Which could possibly be it. BUT with 80's music in the background how could I be sad?!?! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....Oh well...to be continued.

Peace!

Asian

Growing Up

Does anyone in my age brackett feel like growing up is hard to do? I am 36 & still feel like I am 26. Well still feel like I am 26 in mind & spirit, not so much body. I had a great discussion with my friend Tex in the City this past Friday & we talked about what is going on in our lives. I always start with, "Well my life is really boring right now." Which in some parts are true. Don't get me wrong, I am having a blast with my husband and being a sort of semi-housewife, but for the most part I am very low key. You'll never hear about the time I got so drunk that....or you'll never hear about this fabulous gala I attended. I'm ok with that though. I am actually quitting my gym membership this week because I am trying to be true to my true self. I am a homebody at heart & would rather work out at home than go to the gym.

Anyway, I am asking about growing up. I once asked my dad what it felt like to be a grownup & he stated you never really do until your parents pass away. Well, for me that is NOT an option. I am secretly willing my parents to stay alive forever...That being said, and back to my conversation with Texlie, we talked about what is keeping us stuck. Or at least that was my end of the conversation :) I let her know that this struggle with weight is really hard for me. Most people have been overweight all their lives & then get in shape, but I am the opposite. I have been in great shape all of my life & then got fat :(. So to make a long story short, Texlie explained to me to something of the effect of surrendering to your higher self & not so much your higher power. And never give up! DING! OMG - that makes so much more sense. A long time ago, my therapist tried to get me to talk to my old self (i.e. where I am now) from my new self (where I want to be) & say to her what she thinks I should do. I didn't get that until Texlie said that. That statement alone has single handedly lifted a huge burden I had been carrying around on my shoulders for years. From that moment, I just ask myself - 'Truly, what would you as your higher self do?' My higher self would not be laying in bed sleeping half the day away!!! Or whatever. So essentially I feel it's about my growing up. I think at heart I will always & forever be free spirited & a kid, but that doesn't mean I won't be making decisions that better myself and lift my spiritual side up.

Health is an issue for me now & I have to say it's an uphill battle. I am made from a very different cloth & my body is sensitive to a lot of foods. I Had been staying away from meat for a month or so & I ate some last Sunday & I felt sluggish & yucky. I also had cheese too...Can I say something that is way too much TMI? Well I am going to anyway, I had the WORST body odor!!! It was embarassing. My body just couldn't process what I was putting into. So I started fresh this Monday & can I say that it's Motherfucking hard to get back in the saddle. There is no point in cheating myself because it only makes it that much harder to accomplish what my higher self keeps telling me to do. So, from here on out, mark my words, I will always adhere to what my higher self has to say :) I may not AGREE with her, but in the long run I know it'll be worth it.

I hope everyone is doing well. I am in transition yet again, but this time I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Peace & LOVE!

Asian

Why I love my husband

A post from an instant message:

feel good baby, you should.. you're a wonderful person, a loving wife, a beautiful girl, and a bundle of possibilities

Happy New Year!!!!

Howdy Peops! I hope everyone has rung in the new year safely & happily. You know, a lot of people have said that 2010 sucked for them, but personally I don't feel that way. Through the powers that be (therapy), I got out of my funk & finally had a personal break through. I have figured out (with therapy) that the underlying sadness that I am feeling is the letting go of parts of Old Me. That I have been in resistance to who I really am & it's uncomfortable gearing up for the New Me. That's ok though, I haven't met anyone who said that something worth doing doesn't take a bit of blood, sweat & tears.

Just in general, right now my husband & I are paying down debt at a rapid pace. Thank GOD we have been very fortunate in the last year financially. He has an amazing job & I, well, I have a job that helps me pay for therapy ;). It's not something I want to do forever, but the Universe made sure I stayed in this job & for a reason. I am beginning to realize that maybe this job is my ticket to real freedom. Freedom? Yes, freedom. Freedom to pay for the class I want to take this summer. Freedom to save $$$ to travel the world. Freedom to take the next class I want & fulfill a real dream!!! Yeah, the nerd in me still wants to go on archealogical digs. That may be in the form of a cool trip. I am hoping I actualy eventually get the letters PHD behind my name in the field of anthropology. Or, hell, if it comes down to an exotic trip far away, so be it (less paperwork)!!!

I have to say my 2011 thus far has not been so great. Not sure why, but my sinuses have attacked & I feel like my head is being crushed like a vice. It travels from the front of my head all the way down the back of my neck. Boo hoo. But I am ok just laying around sleeping it off.

I have to say that I have had some good food for my soul lately and I really need to love thyself. I know, it's all psychobabble, but when I am on top of my game so is everything else in my world. I need to get my power back & this is the time. How it's going to happen? That remains to be seen :) I hope you all stick around though for the ride because I promise it's going to be life changing!!!!

Well, that is all that is in my head right now. I do wish you all a very happy new year & that at least one dream comes true this year!!!

Peace & Love!!

Asian