Oh it's another Spaghettios Night

That's all I'm gonna say.

Something I haven't done since College

So I was soooooooooooooooooooo hungry by the time I got home, I opened up a can of Spaghettios & ate them straight out of the can. Who the hell does that? ME! Me who obviously does not like to nor knows how to cook. I blame my husband for not being here to cook for me. I also have cup-o-noodles in the pantry along with Hostes cupcakes(don't ask).

When I was in college I lived off of Spaghettios. You may think this was just a starving student thing, but truth be told my mother never cooked & I was raised on shit like that. Sometimes I'd have a spaghettios sandwich. You know mix it up a bit. So sad!! But I don't think anyone understands my true resistance to cooking & being in the kitchen. I can clean like there's not tomorrow, but I can't cook to save my life.

Ugh, now my Jewish grandmother was even worse. But my Chinese grandmother could cook! Too bad we didn't see enough of her. She was really cool. I can't figure out how the bad cooking skipped from my father's side to my mother's side & then down to me. It's just like how we love to watch Wheel of Fortune. My paternal grandfather, my mother & then me. Who knows?!?!?

Ok, that's about it. Update on my wounded scalp, it's getting better. Sigh...I think I am going to have some cup-o-noodles & call it a day.

Peace out!!

Square Peg Round Hole

Do you ever feel like you are trying so hard to fit yourself into something that just doesn't quite fit? I don't mean clothes either. All my life I have felt like that & I don't like to force things. I think forcing things goes against nature & that ain't right.

I was discussing this with my happy head person & she told me that I am different. I've always known I was different. I mean, my mother is Chinese & my father is white. There's a start. BUT, the one thing I wish someone would have told me when I was a child, is that it's ok to be different. I think my childhood would have been easier. Not in the family sense, but in a peer sense. I don't think my parents understood how much trauma I went through as a child because I tried so hard to fit in with all the cookie cutter white church going people (not knocking anyone who goes to church!). I was the one who didn't have perfect skin, I was the one who didn't go to church, I was the one who had a wickedly fast sense of humor. None of that is wrong, but I didn't know that.

On the other hand, I was raised to not see color or religion. I love that. I feel like I am really open minded & I actually don't mind people who are religious, just as long as you don't push it on me. I'm cool with that.

Now I am just trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. But I guarantee it won't include trying to fit my trapezoid self into a circle. Or something to that effect.

My head bleepin' hurts

So my scalp is peeling off in chunks. For a couple of days, the blisters would bust in my sleep & I'd wake up with matted hair. Yuck...Now it's just breaking off in chunks. That is all I have to report. Other than I am exhausted...

Peace out..

I miss my husband & this is why I fell more in love with him

Here is an instant message exchange that we had the other day...He makes my heart really sing...

Jennifer says:
nice
u still there?
Alex says:
jes
Jennifer says:
i am skerred
Alex says:
??
Jennifer says:
bout job
and a little sad
Alex says:
why sad?
Jennifer says:
not sure
i think shopping always makes me feel a little blue
Alex says:
But it's normal to be a bit skeered about a new job interview, but just know that you are awesome, and regardless of the outcome you will still be awesome. Also you don't 'need' a job, so that shold take some of the pressure off.
As for feeling blue, I can definitely empathize, I ran to the plane in Houston and thought I was going to die. And I only ran like 100yards. We just have both gotten wake up calls. Either we can pick ourselves up and overcome, or let our current state define us.
Jennifer says:
true
Alex says:
I'd rather go with option A, as we are better than this, and we can change.
Jennifer says:
yeah...i agree. it's just hard in my state to feel confident because i see myself as fat girl
it's just the gist of today
not overall
Alex says:
I have a big nose, unique features, people consider me 'funny looking' most days. But I don't care. You just need to be comfortable in your skin, for now, and work to change it so you are happy in it tomorrow. You may not feel like you like how you appear, but appearances are such a small part of who we are. We could be burned, handicapped, missing an eye.
Jennifer says:

Alex says:
things could be 'so much worse' when you put it into perspective, that having a few pounds extra really boils down to something insignificant. Not that it's not troublesome, or that you shouldn't feel a certain way, but try and balance it against what you see around you, or what could be so much worse for either of us.
Jennifer says:
you are making me cry
Alex says:
But even if those things had happened, even if you were horribly disfigured by some accident, you'd still be the most beautiful girl in the room to me, and that should always be enough. I've never told you, but you're the first person that ever made me feel attractive. Sure I have always been confident, but it's been in a 'fuck you if you don't like me for me' kind of way.
Jennifer says:
really?
Alex says:
I've had countless people ask me when I will get my nose fixed and I just laugh... they don't get it, but you do. You make me a better man, and I hope, that I make you a better woman. You are my everything... you are the most captivating and amazing person I have ever met. And I am just as proud to have you on my arm now as I was when we first met.
Jennifer says:
thank you baby...i really needed that tonight. i know how you feel, but I really really need this
Alex says:
Hooters is still fail and aids for me, and I never look at another girl... that should count for something? Hell I'm going to the land of whore asians and my only thought when I go to bed is the lingering memory of my hands on your skin, you beatiful eyes looking back at me, and your smell that brings me so much comfort...
You have changed my world, and I am a better man for it... you constantly haunt my dreams and are the last thing I think of when I close my eyes, and the first thing I think of when I wake...
Jennifer says:
i wish i could eloquate as well as you -lol! but all this means the world to me
Alex says:
We're both a bit fluffy, and I felt sooo self concious before I left for my trip when I realized I was trotting around in my skivies when packing... I want to change, for me, but also for you... I want to grow old with you, and living like this isn't going to do it. We're probably both borderline diabetic and we can't become like Brandon and Katie, we need to kick some ass.
I will be your ROCK when I come home, and if you kick ass in the meantime, so much the better... but know that I am with you honey, but regardless of what you feel or think you look, you are far and away the best fish in the sea.
Jennifer says:
lol

thank you baby...i feel your love wrapped all around me like an old comfortable blanket
you are my world & thank you for being my rock.
Alex says:
I did mean what I said though, thank you for loving me...for me... with all my dents and scratches from the years I have lived. You even loved me after getting all scarred up from back surgery... Words never do my heart justice when I try and tell you how I feel and what you mean to me...
Always and forever baby... I need to get working on something right now however, but know you are always in teh forefront of my thoughts and my heart.
Jennifer says:
thank you baby...so much....i love you & I am going to save this im
Alex says:

Jennifer says:
i feel very loved right now & just warm on the inside
Alex says:
me too honey, me too... two sides of the same coin, always...
no leave me alone I'm trying to get to the choppah!! /Ahnold
Jennifer says: