Pissed off & Bitter

Damn...I had this great emotional release a couple of weeks ago & now I am just one pissed off & bitter woman. I can't even begin to explain all the bad shit that is happening to me. I mean, what the fuck did I do that the Universe is pissed at me? I don't brag, I'm modest & I try to treat others as I'd like to be treated but it doesn't seem to matter.

You know, I've been in therapy for a while & I have to say I wish I'd done this years ago. But the only thing that has ever bothered me is that I've been told the fairytale ended. But how is it a fairytale when it's real? When it's something that is truly intangible? I never grew up wanting or waiting for prince charming. As a matter of fact in my late 20's I wrote men off for good. I was sure I'd die alone. I still may die alone at the rate shit is happening. I am not upset with my happy head person at all - This is definitely not a slight on her at all!!! I need to be clear about this because she is amazing! I just can't figure out what the fuck is going on!?!?!?

I feel like I am being tested, but why? I don't think I can take much more of this. I may do what my friend Ali did & sell everything & go on my spiritual quest. I always thought I'd end up living overseas, specifically England, because I've always been in love with that country. I don't know why, but ever since I was a child I've wanted to go there. Really I have been climbing the walls to journey somewhere where there is a lot of peace & serenity & silence. I hate the city I live in because the people suck here. No one ever takes accountability for their actions & no one gives a fuck anymore. There's no pride in having a job or performing said job. It's sad...

Anyway, I haven't eaten yet & it's already lunch time. Maybe I'll just go drown my sorrows in some Baskin Robbins.

Intuition

So do you ever feel like your inner voice is screaming at you, but you are plugging your ears with your fingers? Sigh...Sometimes it just sucks when you follow your gut instincts & stumble upon truths...I think I may be presumptious, but my gut is telling me it's not so. Only time will tell...

Blogaholic

So I used to despise my blog & now I jut randomly write. Not sure why, but I've posted a million more times this month than any other. Quite possible has to do with my husband being out of the country.

Now on to bigger & better things! Even though my hairstylist scalded my scalp, I have to say that my hair looks fantastic! I mean, true J. Lo spec. I wish I knew how to maneuver my blog better so I could post a pic.

I have been having horrible headaches, but I think it may be sinus crud. Wait, this isn't a bigger & better thing. I think I mainly just wanted to say how fabulous my hair looks after all this drama. Ok, well I hope everyone has enjoyed this fabulous weather!!!

XXOO

Oh it's another Spaghettios Night

That's all I'm gonna say.

Something I haven't done since College

So I was soooooooooooooooooooo hungry by the time I got home, I opened up a can of Spaghettios & ate them straight out of the can. Who the hell does that? ME! Me who obviously does not like to nor knows how to cook. I blame my husband for not being here to cook for me. I also have cup-o-noodles in the pantry along with Hostes cupcakes(don't ask).

When I was in college I lived off of Spaghettios. You may think this was just a starving student thing, but truth be told my mother never cooked & I was raised on shit like that. Sometimes I'd have a spaghettios sandwich. You know mix it up a bit. So sad!! But I don't think anyone understands my true resistance to cooking & being in the kitchen. I can clean like there's not tomorrow, but I can't cook to save my life.

Ugh, now my Jewish grandmother was even worse. But my Chinese grandmother could cook! Too bad we didn't see enough of her. She was really cool. I can't figure out how the bad cooking skipped from my father's side to my mother's side & then down to me. It's just like how we love to watch Wheel of Fortune. My paternal grandfather, my mother & then me. Who knows?!?!?

Ok, that's about it. Update on my wounded scalp, it's getting better. Sigh...I think I am going to have some cup-o-noodles & call it a day.

Peace out!!

Square Peg Round Hole

Do you ever feel like you are trying so hard to fit yourself into something that just doesn't quite fit? I don't mean clothes either. All my life I have felt like that & I don't like to force things. I think forcing things goes against nature & that ain't right.

I was discussing this with my happy head person & she told me that I am different. I've always known I was different. I mean, my mother is Chinese & my father is white. There's a start. BUT, the one thing I wish someone would have told me when I was a child, is that it's ok to be different. I think my childhood would have been easier. Not in the family sense, but in a peer sense. I don't think my parents understood how much trauma I went through as a child because I tried so hard to fit in with all the cookie cutter white church going people (not knocking anyone who goes to church!). I was the one who didn't have perfect skin, I was the one who didn't go to church, I was the one who had a wickedly fast sense of humor. None of that is wrong, but I didn't know that.

On the other hand, I was raised to not see color or religion. I love that. I feel like I am really open minded & I actually don't mind people who are religious, just as long as you don't push it on me. I'm cool with that.

Now I am just trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. But I guarantee it won't include trying to fit my trapezoid self into a circle. Or something to that effect.

My head bleepin' hurts

So my scalp is peeling off in chunks. For a couple of days, the blisters would bust in my sleep & I'd wake up with matted hair. Yuck...Now it's just breaking off in chunks. That is all I have to report. Other than I am exhausted...

Peace out..