Longest Post Ever in the history of Posts

I haven't named this post yet because I don't know what to call it. SO, I thought I'd just start writing & see what tickles my fancy...

Let's see. I went & saw the nutritionist. I posted a bit on Facebook how she was quite the nutty professor. In her defense I did say I wanted to get healthy because I may want to have a baby. So with that being said, after chit chatting & bla bla bla, she finally gets to the being a nutritionist part. She was asking me questions about my lifestyle, etc. & then asked me about stress. I let her know the only real source of stress is & always has been my in-laws. OH GIRL. Wrong thing apparently to say to nutritionist who thinks she is a therapist. Really?? She goes into this tirade about how when women breast feed they get orgasms & they are attached to their children that way & that is why women won't have sex with their husbands when their babies are nursing. OMFG. REALLY?!?!?! I don't remember signing up for you to psycho analyze me & my husband. All I wanted was some direction. Guidance - a jump start. NONE of that happened. She was all over the place. Threw up a bunch of information that she kept telling me helped her & then sent me on my way. No follow up or meal plan or anything. I will not be going back to crazy. I like to actually back away from crazy...

The plus is I have started a workout routine. Last week was my first week of boot camp . I am finally getting my groove on in that regards. You know, I am going to pour my heart out right now...I weighed myself & I weigh 171. Now I am only 5'3" & that's a lot of weight on my frame. I have been this way since my surgery & haven't really fluctuated from that. I am MISERABLE in this body. Not specifically for the shallow aspects, but I just feel uncomfortable. Nothing cute fits me, I am tired all the time & I am embarrassed. There, I said it. I am ashamed of this massive weight gain. But, I am working on making things right with myself.

Shame is a funny thing. It keeps ya from doing the things you love & being your best self. Since I am striving to be my best self, I am happy that I am seeing a therapist. I get to see her this week & I know all things will be well. I kind of feel like I am moving in inches & not leaps & bounds, but then I have to realize that I am changing the way I live & it's hard. My doctor gave me a prescript for anti-depressants, but I haven't filled it yet. I have an apprehension of chemically altering my brain & my thoughts. But I am wondering if it will help me initially & then I can ween myself off of it. I spend half a month depressed because of PMS & pms is getting worse & worse as I get older. So we'll see what happy head person has to say :)

So this is where I am. I am working on getting healthier for real this time & I know there are some days I won't be 100%, but I am ok with that. Yesterday was a really bad day. I had horrible headaches & allergies. I did get a workout in though! Ok, this was a long rambling post, but just the shizz going on in my life. I hope everyone is well!!! My birthday is in 11 days!!! 26 is going to be a fantastic year!!!

Hugs & Peace!!!