Breathe-just breathe

Ok, so I had a bit of a rant about my evil in-laws in my last post. As a matter of fact it must have been a doozy because my friend Tex called me!! Thank God for friends!

I refuse to let their toxicity invade my life, so I think time will tell about how I actually get a grip on this. In reality, once the holidays are over I think I'll be able to focus better.

Anyway, I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday. It was one of those days where my energy was completely zapped & I slept for about 5 hours during the day. I cried because I hate this fatigue. I know I am slowly getting to the root of it, but when I am this exhausted it kills me & I get all bummed out.

Today is much better!!! I am hoping to get in a good walk & get moving. I really think it's all about moving around & exercising. But part of my meltdown is that I am really lacking in the self confidence department. I need to get a job but am too embarrassed to go get one. It's a phase I am going through & am hoping that it passes quickly. I also contribute these feelings to pms. I am on progesterone right now, but i have had good & bad days on it. Pfffffffffffft.

Hopefully, the sunshine will come back soon.

Peace out!

Dr. Grose

So I finally had my 3 hours long appointment with the Naturopathic dr. She is AWESOME. She totally reminds me of my mother if she were a dr. Have you seen The Incredibles? THAT's her! NO CAPES! Dr. Grose even has the same hair cut :) The cutest part about her is she had on the tiniest pair of Uggs I've ever seen. Ok, enough about how adorable she is & more about how awesome she is.

I was there for 3 hours because I got there early & then she didn't see me until an hour after my appointment. You know the table thingy you sit on when you walk in where they check your blood pressure, etc.? You don't sit there. You sit in a chair beside it & she pulls up her dr. stool & sits on the opposite side of you. At this point she puts your folder on the table & uses it as a desk. I keep thinking my Chinese grandmother is talking to me. Anyway, she goes over what is going on with me & then she grills you just like she's your mom. I explained that my GP wanted me on anti-depressant meds & she wanted to know why. PMS. It rules my life unfortunately. For example, today is the 16th & I should start on or around the 27th-31st. I am already wiped out. I went to boot camp this morning & my workout sucked ass because of the exhaustion. SO I get home & cannot keep my eyes open. I crashed until about 12:45 today.

Long story short, she said that the depression I am experiencing two weeks into my cycle is magnifying the already fatigue, depression, etc. because of elevated estrogen levels. Because I have elevated estrogen levels, then I am becoming insulin resitant & therefore having a hard time losing weight. Her basic conclusion is this in her own words (think sharp Asian voice): 'I don't think that exercise & getting you on a diet is going to work. What I hear from you is a person who has given up on life. You are YOUNG! You shouldn't be feeling this way at all. We have got to get your PMS under control - i.e. your hormones - & that will be the first step to making you feel better. If you trust me & let me prescripe some progesterone. I want you to take it this cycle & let's see how you feel.' *Note: The whole conversation we had about my fatigue & depression is long winded so I didn't include it, but that is where she got her conclusion about my giving up on life.

So she also wants me to go on a 10 day liver cleanse. Since I spent a million dollars on this particular cleanse, I plan on following through. However, my birthday is Sunday & I want to celebrate. Well & then there is xmas & new year's. I was thinking about starting the cleanse the day after my birthday, but I realized I am in the throes of my pms weeks. Probably not a good idea to start this until after my period starts. So I will post on how the progesterone does. Oh! It was awesome! What was awesome? The pharmacy I went to is a compounding pharmacy. I've never been to one of those before. Very interesting :)

Ok, that's it for now. Happy Days & Hugs to Everyone!!!

It's all about Friends

So I know a blog is usually supposed to be about what's happening in your world, but I thought I'd take a moment & talk about my friend Becky. She & I have reconnected & it's been awesome! Even though we live states apart, we get to talk about nutrition & the craziness that surrounds the whole food & drug industry. We are strong as a unit per say in our beliefs about that, but that's not the only reason I am writing about Becky. By the way, here is her blog before I forget becky's blog.

Anyway, I really admire her. She stays at home with three boys & home schools them. One of her babies has food allergies & she is very good about making sure nothing harmful enters his little body. I truly appreciate & respect that & I find that people in general usually can't. I just read a post from her blog about going dairy free. It was posted last year, but it's a good one http://boysrulemylife.blogspot.com/2008/02/dairy-free-family.html! My point is this, why do people try to hate when someone makes a good decision about his or her health? It seems to me like it's such a backwards hillbilly way to look at things. I am sorry if you are a backwards hillbilly & this offends you, but you're an idiot & please go play in traffic. Why on God's green earth wouldn't you want to live a healthy & fulfilled life? ESPECIALLY if you are responsible for a child that enters this world & you want them to be healthy & happy.

Becky, even though I know you are strong & smart & a great mom & wife - I've got your back sister!!!

Since I am paying homage to Becky, I'd like anyone reading this to send out a little prayer for her Witt. He is being allergy tested today & let's put out the good vibes that he is allergy free!!!

Hugs to you Ms. Becky!!!

Happy Head Person Visit

So I met with my happy head person on Thursday. It was a great & really productive session. There were a couple of things I needed to ask her about & then a couple of things I really needed help with.

My first question to her was about my anger issues. I told her that I have a very short temper & that I am quick to snap these days. After much long discussion, she told me this: Jen, I have been psycho analyzing for years now & the one conclusion I have come up with is that there are two people in this world - Nice & Mean. You have fallen on some not so nice things in the past 4-5 years & you have given up on mankind. The reason is that you are one of the nice ones. By being hurt so much you have tried on the tough girl act & it doesn't work for you. You HAVE absorbed all the anger around you until you exploded-it's not your anger. So I was very happy to hear that the raging psychotic bitch I have been isn't me. lol! But HHP, I can't work for other people - They SUCK! No, you can work for people, you just have to work for NICE people. Ok...So that leads to the other part of our discussion.

JOB. Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE not having any responsibility, but...HHP told me that I am bored & not stimulated. She said I am too smart to not have another degree in something or be pursuing anything right now. How did this one come about? Read on: Jen, do you love animals? Uh, yeah-I like them. How much do you like them? I don't know, my pets are like my kids... Do you see yourself working with them? Maybe in a vet's office? No, I really don't like picking up poo or cleaning cages - just love to play or cuddle. Why? Do you think I need a job?!?!?! Actually, yes I do. You need to find a way to share the light you have inside you. To share love & light is to heal. Right now you have such a small world & need to share that light! I know you are on your spiritual journey, but if that is ALL you have to focus on then it's not healthy. Right now it's: 1. Journey 2. Husband 3. Workout 4. In-laws. You need a Much Much bigger horizon. That is so weird...I was just thinking about how I needed to get a job. Not necessarily for money, but something to do & feel a bit more independent. AWESOME!!!!

HHP, my general practitioner gave me a prescript for Wellbrutin because half the month I am depressed due to PMS. He politely pointed out that is half my life. What are your thoughts on that? I am hesitant due to the brain altering chemicals that will enter my body... No, first you need to get some evening primrose oil. Take the capsules. The wellbutrin may make you feel better, but you will gain weight & it just masks the problem & alleviates symptoms. You won't get to the root of what's going on. I think you should see a kinesiologist named X & he is awesome. He will send you home with a bag full of supplements. Or maybe a naturopath dr. or an accupuncturist who treats with herbs. I am a bit hesitant on seeing the kinesiligist because I hate taking pills. When I was little I had to take pills from the time I was 4 until I was 12 because I had temporal lobe seizures. WHY didn't you tell me you had been on long term anti-seizure medicine? That makes this a bit of a different ball game. I dunno, I never think about it? Didn't think it was that big of a deal? Ok, don't go see kinesioligist, go see a naturopath. You need answers! Bring your physical test results to her & let her know you had been on anti-seizure meds. Ok, I have heard of Dr. Nellie Grose. YES! Go see her, years ago we would refer the kids to see her (she used to run a school).

So, after all this she wrote out a list for me to do:

1). Get health in order - you need to be balanced out
2). Look up long term side effects of Tegretol (anti-seizure med)
3). Get part-time job
4). Start travel fund

Here is the big kicker of everything. Remember in my last post or two I mentioned I have a huge vitamin d deficiency? The only long term side effect of Tegretol I could find is that it messes with the body's ability to properly absorb Vitamin D - therefore making bones brittle & of course hindering the ability to properly absorb calcium. That was such a WHOA moment for me. Because I would have never thought about the days I had to meds & look at a long term side effect. Never! SO that explains a lot :) I am taking Vita D supps as we speak.

I have an appointment on Monday at 2 pm with Dr. Grose. I can't wait & hopefully will truly get the answers I need to help me get to optimal & balanced health. YAY Happy Head Person VISIT!!!

Now that you have read my rendition of War & Peace...lol! I hope everyone has a marvelous day & I will definitely keep you posted.

Peace!!!

Longest Post Ever in the history of Posts

I haven't named this post yet because I don't know what to call it. SO, I thought I'd just start writing & see what tickles my fancy...

Let's see. I went & saw the nutritionist. I posted a bit on Facebook how she was quite the nutty professor. In her defense I did say I wanted to get healthy because I may want to have a baby. So with that being said, after chit chatting & bla bla bla, she finally gets to the being a nutritionist part. She was asking me questions about my lifestyle, etc. & then asked me about stress. I let her know the only real source of stress is & always has been my in-laws. OH GIRL. Wrong thing apparently to say to nutritionist who thinks she is a therapist. Really?? She goes into this tirade about how when women breast feed they get orgasms & they are attached to their children that way & that is why women won't have sex with their husbands when their babies are nursing. OMFG. REALLY?!?!?! I don't remember signing up for you to psycho analyze me & my husband. All I wanted was some direction. Guidance - a jump start. NONE of that happened. She was all over the place. Threw up a bunch of information that she kept telling me helped her & then sent me on my way. No follow up or meal plan or anything. I will not be going back to crazy. I like to actually back away from crazy...

The plus is I have started a workout routine. Last week was my first week of boot camp . I am finally getting my groove on in that regards. You know, I am going to pour my heart out right now...I weighed myself & I weigh 171. Now I am only 5'3" & that's a lot of weight on my frame. I have been this way since my surgery & haven't really fluctuated from that. I am MISERABLE in this body. Not specifically for the shallow aspects, but I just feel uncomfortable. Nothing cute fits me, I am tired all the time & I am embarrassed. There, I said it. I am ashamed of this massive weight gain. But, I am working on making things right with myself.

Shame is a funny thing. It keeps ya from doing the things you love & being your best self. Since I am striving to be my best self, I am happy that I am seeing a therapist. I get to see her this week & I know all things will be well. I kind of feel like I am moving in inches & not leaps & bounds, but then I have to realize that I am changing the way I live & it's hard. My doctor gave me a prescript for anti-depressants, but I haven't filled it yet. I have an apprehension of chemically altering my brain & my thoughts. But I am wondering if it will help me initially & then I can ween myself off of it. I spend half a month depressed because of PMS & pms is getting worse & worse as I get older. So we'll see what happy head person has to say :)

So this is where I am. I am working on getting healthier for real this time & I know there are some days I won't be 100%, but I am ok with that. Yesterday was a really bad day. I had horrible headaches & allergies. I did get a workout in though! Ok, this was a long rambling post, but just the shizz going on in my life. I hope everyone is well!!! My birthday is in 11 days!!! 26 is going to be a fantastic year!!!

Hugs & Peace!!!

It snowed!!!

I was like a kid in a candy store today. Since I am a housewife right now, I got to see the snow fall & stick to the ground. It truly was magical for me as I have lived in Texas all my life. Yes, I've seen snow on a couple of occasions, but to be in real live falling snow rocks!!!

So, I think I have found the issue with my fatigue. I went & got a physical & my vitamin D levels are incredibly low. Normal levels start at 32 & mine is 21. So it makes sense that I am fatigued, my bones ache & I don't recover as quickly as I used to. I never knew Vita D was so important. Also, I guess I can sit my arse out in the sun more often :) I am visiting a nutritionist on Monday & am excited about this. Just a little jump start on that front. This week I've been pretty good about my diet & I am pretty sure it's because we are on a budget. Eating at home makes one helluva difference!

Other than that, things are pretty much same old same old! I hope all is well with everyone.

Peace!

Another letter bites the dust

Ok, I promise I am nt making this up, but the letter 'O' is now on the fritz. I've been through E, A, I & now O. Either someone at HP is playing a joke on me or at some point in time I am going to be able to spell something cool & know I have a friend from the after life. Oh & the number 9 was sticking right before O. Who knows, I could gogle HP keyboards & there is probably some forum on there talking abut the sticky keyboard letters. But for nw I am just having fun! Notice all the words missing an o?

Other than that, not much to report. I did join boot camp this month. Finally, the teacher becomes the student.

Peace!