Break on through to the other side...

So I have to say that the holidays were bittersweet. Totally sweet for me in that my hubby & I had an amazing turning point in our relationship. Mainly because he finally saw things he needed to see for himself & it released me from a lot of negativity. So enough about that...

I haven't posted in a while because I just neglect my blog kind of like when you don't shave your legs for a while & you decided to spruce yourself up just because it's that time to.

Let's see...I recently had a happy head person visit & at first I Was a bit kind of like 'Hmpf.' Not in a pissed off & bitter way, but mainly because there wasn't anything too deep rooted to reveal :) Essentially it is time for me to move on. I need to move forward in my life. Pretty simple. I am excited about the new ventures I am going to be embarking upon...So speaking of which, I think it's time to hang up my personal trainer hat. I love being a trainer, but now it's all about my intelect & stimulating it. As Annette put it, it's my chance for a do-over! Music to my ears!!!

Now with my hanging up my hat as a trainer, I now can take the pressure off myself to not look perfect. I can take my time to get back into that bikini. I can do it on my terms. I am still going to forge ahead with getting my health together. Today was such an eye opener for me :( I was walking briskly thru Target with my husband & I got winded!!! WTF? Really? Uh, so out of shape. So I start my cleanse again tomorrow & will do everything in my will power to push through it. As my friend Shatun says, it's all in your head in what you can do! So TRUE!!! So Head, let's get it together & break on thru to the other side!

Much love to you all & hopefully as much happiness as you can find!

Not today

So I was going to go back on my cleanse today & when I woke up this morning I decided not until tomorrow. Why you may ask? Well, my house is so unorganized - i.e. messy & I know I'll fret about it until it's clean & in order. That way when I am dry heaving & curled into the fetal position, I won't have to worry about my house & it being in a messy disarray.

Also, I am turning the 'game room' into my zen room. I say 'game room' because it's really just the floor space between bedrooms upstairs. I have to get out of the bedroom & move! So I am setting up shop up there with my laptop, a cute desk to hold all of this, my zen music, painting the walls red, etc. We also moved the treadmill into the living room. I figure I can watch at least 2 hours of t.v. & walk at the same time!

Ok, well more to come tomorrow.

Love!

My Husband

We have had some ups & downs & through it all he has been amazing. We went on a date last night & had the best time!!! He is a true gentleman too...For me, he is the perfect blend of being kind hearted, super intelligent, creative, loving & a badass. It's taken me a while to come back to the appreciation I have for our relationship & love, but I am glad I stuck around. We made it through the crazy family drama & he's in a healing process now. I am proud of him for being his own person & figuring things out on his own~well, maybe I nudged him a bit :) Anyway, just a short post to give a shout out to my hubby.

Peace & Love

Being Sucked BACK into the Vortex

So I was happy & resolved about not finishing my cleanse & who the hell calls me? MY mother! Ok not really my mother, but the dr. equivalent of her. I know I've said this before, but Dr. Grose is the Asian Dr. version of my mother. Totally the little lady in the Incredibles who says 'NO capes!' You don't say no to the lady who says No Capes!

Anyway, she told me to restart my cleanse on Monday & half the cleansing shake. Sigh...why did she have to call? Should be interesting because Alex will be out of town & I am going to be climbing the walls with withdrawals. I guess I know what to expect this time...

Peace & Love Peops!

Epiphany

So today was really hard for me. I mean physically I thought I was dying. I dry heaved for about 30 minutes & had horrible penetrating pain in my shoulder. It was my left shoulder (the one I didn't have surgery on). Then I had an epiphany...

A few years ago I just gave up. I had a horrible heart ache & I let it consume me. In that time frame I attracted some awful things because I felt awful. I really had wanted to talk to my therapist about how to let go of hurtful things. I mean there are days when I wake up & the cruelness I endured at a particular job that was supposed to empower women pulses through my veins. At the end of the day, I can't change what happened & so now I am letting those thoughts go play in traffic. They do me no good & I will never truly get revenge :) lol! Ok sometimes I do visualize revenge, but I am getting past that.

While going through the hell of this cleanse, I realized that my life does not have to be so hard & painful. I mean shoulder pain - it felt like someone was poking me with a needle all the way to the bone & pulling it out & putting it back in. So I am tired of doing the same thing over & over again. What my issues lie with are how my physical being is right now. It's not happy. It's overweight & ick! So I start there..

It all comes down to eating well & moving my ass. I so desperately want to get back into training. I KNOW I am a great personal trainer & that is where my passion lies. I can't wait to workout again!

So with all that being said, I am taking myself off my cleanse. I am not going to go back to dairy or sugar. Maybe caffeine...But I want to enjoy life! I may have a piece of cake here & now, but it's my life & I can do that. I love you all who rooted for me through this!!! I can't wait to post about my real journey now...

Peace out!

Day 4 Captain's Log: No Halitosis Here

So the one major thing I am noticing is that my breath doesn't stink. Hopefully you are reading this in the right context! I woke up this morning without dragon breath. Kind of nice. What isn't so nice is my allergies are full force. My eyes won't stop itching & my nostrils are taking turns closing up. Damn you dairy!!! But I love chips & queso & hope there is an alternative out there for me. I am really hungry today. I want eggs & bacon & oatmeal. I can't have any of it. Only veggies, fruit & beans today. Blech...My skin is still rough but I am hoping that is because it's purging. Oh & I've decided that the shake I am drinking isn't that bad at all. I am guessing it's the equivalent of a pediasure or something. Anyway, updates to follow. Also, I haven't exercised at all during this.

Update #1 9:13 am: I am actually posting this because I think this is very funny. So my scale is broken & I have no way to weigh myself. Well, there is one other way which is my Wii Fit Board. However, I have to pop in the Wii Fitness Game & it makes you take an assesment. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-the first thing it does is say 'Wow! It's been 465 days since I've seen you last!' uhhhhhhhh whoops. Then it measure you via the Wii Fit Board. So when I first weighed in 465 days ago, I thought I was struggling with weight. Nothing like a game to tell you 'You've gained 17.9 pounds since you last weighed yourself.' Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn! Really? I already knew I was overweight & now you put the cherry on top of this fail sauce? So, nothing to really report about the cleanse, just some serious reality. lol! Wtf? Where the hell did I go in life?!?!? Wherever that was, it was not working.

Update #2 12:06 pm: ok, not sure what the hell happened, but i am consumed with nausea & my left arm is tire. from my shoulder all the way down my bicep, i feel likei have been holding a 10 pound weight straight out for about 2 hours. it doesnt feel like i am lifting weights like sore, but just exhausted. this is the first time during this i have wanted to quit. i haven't been able to take shake yet. too nauseous. i did manage to swallow my horse pills but that is as far as ive gotten. this is all i am posting today. my arm can't take the typing.

Day 3 Captain's Log: I haven't cheated at all

So I thought by now I'd have secretly scarfed down a burger & a soda, but to my surprise I've been very good.

Today I woke up hungry, but also with a dull headache. I have to truly psyche myself up about drinking my shake. It doesn't mix well with anything & is very grainy. I have to drink this for the next 8 days including today.

Day 3 Guidelines:
-In addition to eliminating foods listed for Days 1 & 2, eliminate all:
-Gluten grains-wheat, barley, rye, spelt, kamut, oat & corn
-UltraClear Plus - 1 scoop twice today
-Note: You may continue to eat quinoa, rice, millet & buckwheat

So there ya have it. I am reduced now to veggies, fruit, rice, beans & nuts. I don't remember if I mentioned this, but this is a no calorie restricted cleanse. So I can eat to my heart's content of all the stuff allowed.

Things I have noticed: my energy levels actually rise after I've taken the supplements they gave me. During the day I feel like hammered shit & then at night I have energy. I am hoping this evens out. Also, my skin is getting kind of rough. Albeit it's pretty dry right now, but I feel like the skin on my face is a bit bumpy. I am curious to see if the redness in my cheeks goes away.

That's it so far. Will update soon!!!

Update #1 10:44 am: Ok, I woke up kind of early today. I made some rice & fed the animals & went right back to bed after I posted. As I lay in bed I noticed a mild headache behind my eyes & just being so sleepy. I drifted in & out of sleep...I finally got up & ate a bowl of rice. About to eat my shake for real this time & chase it with some veggie soup. My headache resembles that of a sinus headache. I also think I need to drink more water which is part of my supplementation. I just didn't get around to that yesterday. Ok, I am off!!!

Update #2 4:44 pm: Energy levels are better, still sniffling a bit. I have noticed that I am considerably hungrier than yesterday. Now I really want some good food!! Starting with pizza-lol. But I will stand strong! Tomorrow is going to be hard. I drank my water supplement but I am pretty sure I need more water in my system. I hate drinking in general...So getting h2o in my system is hard. I have a lot of crap in my eyes too. Not sure what that's about. Maybe same thing as the dair withdrawals...