Blech

That's how I feel right now. I woke up feeling nauseous & it hasn't gone away. Blech...Yet, I still dragged my ass to the grocery store! Growing up SUCKS. I wish someone would have told me a long time ago that I will need a shit ton of money to live the way I want to - i.e. pay someone to do my shopping for me. I am totally miss cranky pants right now because I can be. What I mean by growing up sucking is I am responsible for my life. Blah, blah blah....

Sigh...It's like this shit is hard. I can only imagine people who have serious complications on top of that. So my therapist, as I stated in my last post, wants me to go gluten free. Well, she said 'No sugar & no wheat.' Simple enough right?!?! WrONG. Something is going on with me because I am still really sad & I think it has to do with the fact that I have to cook & shop for myself. You know, normal everyday things that most people do all the time without batting an eyelash. Sad truth is, I am not very fond of things called the grocery store. I sat in my car in tears because of the unkown that is this place with bountiful of foods that help you stay alive. Truly, it's a place of sheer terror for me because I have no fucking clue what I am doing there. I guess in laymen's terms, it's like my trying to do calculus when I was an English Lit major. ....

Ok, NO my life doesn't suck. Changing eating habits does. I know, I know...I am supposed to be positive about this shit, but it's hard. One day at a time...one day at a time. Tonight I am going to try some eggplant chicken dish. It's GF/DF/SF. Oh please cooking Gods, let this be a great dish.

Well, I hope everything is well in your world. I am going to go cry in a corner until I have to start this cooking thing again.

Asian

Gluten Free

Ok...after talking to my therapist this weekend, she strongly urged that I go gluten free/sugar free. I am going to add dairy free to this as well. I've been on a fucked up roller coaster ride for the past 6 years & I am ready to get off. I am ready to put my feet back on the ground & walk around to see what else is going on at the carnival.

So instead of torturing myself about what to eat, I am just going to eliminate sugar & wheat & dairy from my diet. Should be interesting, but I need to cling to something & follow through. Before everyone faints & people turn over in their graves, I've actually started cooking. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...Don't tell ANYONE. Blech...Ok, not blech. Cooking isn't that bad & I actually follow recipes very well. Who knew?!?! There are some things I want/need:

A mixing bowl
Stainless Steel Cookware
An Apron

OMG-I am BACK in the 50's!!! But I can empathize with the ladies that came before us. I am BORED out of my mind staying at home. I don't mind not working, but I have way too much idle time. So naturally I have to gravitate to something that benefits me, my health & my husband. PLUS, we don't have a ton of disposable income, so I have to do things that are virtually cost free. So please, if you actually are reading this, wish me luck on my ventures!!!

Will keep you posted...

XXOO

Asian

Raw Foods

Ok...so here we go again. I keep trying to learn to cook (I have actually been somewhat successful), but I keep getting this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I need to stay away from animal products. More than anything for these reasons: 1) I am lactose intolerant 2) Everytime I eat any animal meat, I literally taste the game & not the flavor. BLECH! It's like it just literally got plucked or butchered. More so than anything, I think it's a health thing too.

Here is where I get stuck. I am stepping into this with absolute uncertaintity if I am doing this correctly. Like, is this really the way I should be doing it? Are these detox symptoms or am I just not eating enough. Oh the flood (I am talking Noah's Ark flood) of questions that come through the pipe. I am not being lazy, just overly cautious. I do know this, whenever I eat fresh fruit, I feel alive. I don't feel tired. The hard part for me is veggies. Why the fuck are vegetables so hard to contend with!?!?

Sigh...This sadness thing is coming in waves now. I'll be okay & then BAM - I feel like I am in mourning. I Am going to get my head shrunk this weekend, so I'll post about how that goes.

On a good note, the weather here in TX has turned phenomenal!!! No a/c needed, just open windows :) Anyway, I guess I just have to put one foot in front of the other when it comes to food. Ok, well thanks for listening.

Asian

Hmph

Ok...I think I may have figured out a bit of my sadness...I think it's my grandfather's birthday. I really miss him. My Jewish grandparents were a huge part of my life growing up. It's just so weird to not get that birthday card or phone call. I don't know. I think there is still a lot of anger I need to work through as well. A lot has to do with my husband I think. Don't get me wrong, he is sweet as pie & treats me like a princess, but that doesn't mean he doesn't make mistakes. It's hard to not remember those mistakes sometimes. No cheating involved, just a lot of WHY?!?!?!?!

Sadness

I haven't written in months...Well, Yeah, Ok - I haven't really HAD anything to write about. Does anyone really care what I write anyway?! lol - I am truly just writing what I feel because typing is easier than writing these days.

So for some unknown reason, a huge wave of sorrow hit me today. It was about mid afternoon & for the life of me I can't figure out why. I don't have depression...I am thinking maybe it's a form of anger? It was such a huge hit, that I almost didn't go hang out with my family whom I absolutely love & adore. Could it be the death of old me? But why the fuck would I worry about her?!?!?!

I've been listening to music for the past two hours & I realize that my life has to revolve around music in some form. It truly makes the world go around. Ok, my point for bringing this up is it totally affects my mood!!!! Does that happen to you?! I have to admit, the music lover in me is incredibly bi-polar. Love all kinds (except country music - that is like scraping nails down a chalkboard for me). Ooooooooooooh...I think I am getting it. I need to stay unplugged. I just got back from vacation from Hawaii & didn't really have any ties to social media. That has to be it.

I've been reading books like they are going out of style. I forgot how much I love to read. Hmmm....I think this damn post is bi-polar. I am all over the place. But mostly I want to write about the sadness. I haven't felt this in eons. I don't have anything to be sad about unless it's something that is going to happen. Which could possibly be it. BUT with 80's music in the background how could I be sad?!?! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....Oh well...to be continued.

Peace!

Asian

Growing Up

Does anyone in my age brackett feel like growing up is hard to do? I am 36 & still feel like I am 26. Well still feel like I am 26 in mind & spirit, not so much body. I had a great discussion with my friend Tex in the City this past Friday & we talked about what is going on in our lives. I always start with, "Well my life is really boring right now." Which in some parts are true. Don't get me wrong, I am having a blast with my husband and being a sort of semi-housewife, but for the most part I am very low key. You'll never hear about the time I got so drunk that....or you'll never hear about this fabulous gala I attended. I'm ok with that though. I am actually quitting my gym membership this week because I am trying to be true to my true self. I am a homebody at heart & would rather work out at home than go to the gym.

Anyway, I am asking about growing up. I once asked my dad what it felt like to be a grownup & he stated you never really do until your parents pass away. Well, for me that is NOT an option. I am secretly willing my parents to stay alive forever...That being said, and back to my conversation with Texlie, we talked about what is keeping us stuck. Or at least that was my end of the conversation :) I let her know that this struggle with weight is really hard for me. Most people have been overweight all their lives & then get in shape, but I am the opposite. I have been in great shape all of my life & then got fat :(. So to make a long story short, Texlie explained to me to something of the effect of surrendering to your higher self & not so much your higher power. And never give up! DING! OMG - that makes so much more sense. A long time ago, my therapist tried to get me to talk to my old self (i.e. where I am now) from my new self (where I want to be) & say to her what she thinks I should do. I didn't get that until Texlie said that. That statement alone has single handedly lifted a huge burden I had been carrying around on my shoulders for years. From that moment, I just ask myself - 'Truly, what would you as your higher self do?' My higher self would not be laying in bed sleeping half the day away!!! Or whatever. So essentially I feel it's about my growing up. I think at heart I will always & forever be free spirited & a kid, but that doesn't mean I won't be making decisions that better myself and lift my spiritual side up.

Health is an issue for me now & I have to say it's an uphill battle. I am made from a very different cloth & my body is sensitive to a lot of foods. I Had been staying away from meat for a month or so & I ate some last Sunday & I felt sluggish & yucky. I also had cheese too...Can I say something that is way too much TMI? Well I am going to anyway, I had the WORST body odor!!! It was embarassing. My body just couldn't process what I was putting into. So I started fresh this Monday & can I say that it's Motherfucking hard to get back in the saddle. There is no point in cheating myself because it only makes it that much harder to accomplish what my higher self keeps telling me to do. So, from here on out, mark my words, I will always adhere to what my higher self has to say :) I may not AGREE with her, but in the long run I know it'll be worth it.

I hope everyone is doing well. I am in transition yet again, but this time I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Peace & LOVE!

Asian

Why I love my husband

A post from an instant message:

feel good baby, you should.. you're a wonderful person, a loving wife, a beautiful girl, and a bundle of possibilities