Growing Up

Does anyone in my age brackett feel like growing up is hard to do? I am 36 & still feel like I am 26. Well still feel like I am 26 in mind & spirit, not so much body. I had a great discussion with my friend Tex in the City this past Friday & we talked about what is going on in our lives. I always start with, "Well my life is really boring right now." Which in some parts are true. Don't get me wrong, I am having a blast with my husband and being a sort of semi-housewife, but for the most part I am very low key. You'll never hear about the time I got so drunk that....or you'll never hear about this fabulous gala I attended. I'm ok with that though. I am actually quitting my gym membership this week because I am trying to be true to my true self. I am a homebody at heart & would rather work out at home than go to the gym.

Anyway, I am asking about growing up. I once asked my dad what it felt like to be a grownup & he stated you never really do until your parents pass away. Well, for me that is NOT an option. I am secretly willing my parents to stay alive forever...That being said, and back to my conversation with Texlie, we talked about what is keeping us stuck. Or at least that was my end of the conversation :) I let her know that this struggle with weight is really hard for me. Most people have been overweight all their lives & then get in shape, but I am the opposite. I have been in great shape all of my life & then got fat :(. So to make a long story short, Texlie explained to me to something of the effect of surrendering to your higher self & not so much your higher power. And never give up! DING! OMG - that makes so much more sense. A long time ago, my therapist tried to get me to talk to my old self (i.e. where I am now) from my new self (where I want to be) & say to her what she thinks I should do. I didn't get that until Texlie said that. That statement alone has single handedly lifted a huge burden I had been carrying around on my shoulders for years. From that moment, I just ask myself - 'Truly, what would you as your higher self do?' My higher self would not be laying in bed sleeping half the day away!!! Or whatever. So essentially I feel it's about my growing up. I think at heart I will always & forever be free spirited & a kid, but that doesn't mean I won't be making decisions that better myself and lift my spiritual side up.

Health is an issue for me now & I have to say it's an uphill battle. I am made from a very different cloth & my body is sensitive to a lot of foods. I Had been staying away from meat for a month or so & I ate some last Sunday & I felt sluggish & yucky. I also had cheese too...Can I say something that is way too much TMI? Well I am going to anyway, I had the WORST body odor!!! It was embarassing. My body just couldn't process what I was putting into. So I started fresh this Monday & can I say that it's Motherfucking hard to get back in the saddle. There is no point in cheating myself because it only makes it that much harder to accomplish what my higher self keeps telling me to do. So, from here on out, mark my words, I will always adhere to what my higher self has to say :) I may not AGREE with her, but in the long run I know it'll be worth it.

I hope everyone is doing well. I am in transition yet again, but this time I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Peace & LOVE!

Asian

Why I love my husband

A post from an instant message:

feel good baby, you should.. you're a wonderful person, a loving wife, a beautiful girl, and a bundle of possibilities

Happy New Year!!!!

Howdy Peops! I hope everyone has rung in the new year safely & happily. You know, a lot of people have said that 2010 sucked for them, but personally I don't feel that way. Through the powers that be (therapy), I got out of my funk & finally had a personal break through. I have figured out (with therapy) that the underlying sadness that I am feeling is the letting go of parts of Old Me. That I have been in resistance to who I really am & it's uncomfortable gearing up for the New Me. That's ok though, I haven't met anyone who said that something worth doing doesn't take a bit of blood, sweat & tears.

Just in general, right now my husband & I are paying down debt at a rapid pace. Thank GOD we have been very fortunate in the last year financially. He has an amazing job & I, well, I have a job that helps me pay for therapy ;). It's not something I want to do forever, but the Universe made sure I stayed in this job & for a reason. I am beginning to realize that maybe this job is my ticket to real freedom. Freedom? Yes, freedom. Freedom to pay for the class I want to take this summer. Freedom to save $$$ to travel the world. Freedom to take the next class I want & fulfill a real dream!!! Yeah, the nerd in me still wants to go on archealogical digs. That may be in the form of a cool trip. I am hoping I actualy eventually get the letters PHD behind my name in the field of anthropology. Or, hell, if it comes down to an exotic trip far away, so be it (less paperwork)!!!

I have to say my 2011 thus far has not been so great. Not sure why, but my sinuses have attacked & I feel like my head is being crushed like a vice. It travels from the front of my head all the way down the back of my neck. Boo hoo. But I am ok just laying around sleeping it off.

I have to say that I have had some good food for my soul lately and I really need to love thyself. I know, it's all psychobabble, but when I am on top of my game so is everything else in my world. I need to get my power back & this is the time. How it's going to happen? That remains to be seen :) I hope you all stick around though for the ride because I promise it's going to be life changing!!!!

Well, that is all that is in my head right now. I do wish you all a very happy new year & that at least one dream comes true this year!!!

Peace & Love!!

Asian

Damn!

My eyebrow lady broke up with me. So much for perfectly coiffed eyebrows. I wish that people living in the US would actually live by US customs...More on that later...

Transitional

So I had this breakthrough of sorts & now am transitioning from floundering to finding my legs beneath me again. BUT, there is this underlying sadness that has surfaced & I am not sure why. It seems like sometimes when a negative enters in my life, it infiltrates to my core & I have a hard time releasing it, shedding it, getting rid of it. Unfortunately I believe this negative is tied to my husband which therein produces the conundrum of what the fuck do I do??

I mean is it wrong to wish all of my in-laws would fly over a cliff in a car together & that'd be the end of that? I can't let those dysfunctional toxic hosebeasts get to me, but sometimes I get like boiling mad about. It's efffed up because I truly don't care what they think. I don't care if my husband spends time with them, I mean I don't have to. BUT, I hate it when he spends $$ on them. They don't deserve it. His mother plays the oh woes me victim, but if you so hard up for cash, then why did you just buy a whole new room of living room furniture?!?!? So it's ok for my husband to spend $40 on a dinner with his mom, but we never do? What is wrong with this Picture? It's not a jealousy thing. It's a 'DAMN-These trifling Ho's DO NOT deserve one red cent spent on their loser bitch asses' thing.

Anyway, that's old news right? So my last post, I posted about my body not defining me. Which for me is huge. Now that I have that perspective, I truly feel like I have been renewed, but with what purpose? I don't feel lost, I feel uncomfortable. I think transition is uncomfortable. At least for me, because I know this transition is huge. I guess I just need to ask myself, what do I truly want? I want knowledge. I don't like the real world & I have decided that if I can stay out of it for as long as I can then I will. I want to be back in school, I want to expand my horizons that have been so small for so long. My immediate goal is to not cry while I am posting - lol! But also I want to try to be in the moment. The thing is, the moments are kind of dull & boring. Stupid brain, just won't turn off.

Well, writing it out has helped me get past today's sadness. I may be back later tonight. Either way, I hope you all are finding your way around your life journey. Peace & Blessings!

Asian

It's the moments I forget I am fat that I am the happiest.

If I don't define myself by my body, then what do I define myself by?

I am slightly miserable this post.

Do you ever feel like you are living in the wrong era?

Seriously, do you ever feel like you are living in a time when it's just not so sweet? I feel like that sometimes. I wish I wasn't here on earth at this time - maybe more like the Victorian era or something. I want to go back in time & live a more peaceful life. These days I feel like everyone is losing touch with what keeps basic human decency...well decent. I feel like our own country really is so politically corrected to death & it creeps me out how some people or even groups of people are so dogmatic about being just like them. I personally have been condemned to hell several times by Christians. Then I am like, that's not very Christian like. Would Jesus really want you to judge like that & wish ill will on other people? I think all religions are beautiful & I think that every one has a right to express the way they worship & how they choose not to worship. Fine by me :) Do what works for you, just don't push it on others.

Today we buried a dear old cousin of mine. His name was Ray. Raymond Kauffman & he was my Jewish Grandfather's first cousin. I have nothing but warm & fond memories of cousin Ray & I know I will miss him dearly. Since I was a little girl, my grand parents would throw Chanukkah parties & have Passover at their house. & Every year cousin Ray & my other cousins would gather at my grandparent's house & celebrate together. I feel like it's the end of an era. All that were of my grandfather's era are now deceased except one. We all stem from the Hannah Rachel Markewich family & I just feel a deep sadness that it's all going away. It's weird because I have never been religious, but today at cousin Ray's funeral, he was remembered & remembered so fondly. This is going to sound selfish, but I want to be remembered fondly. It made me want to start going to Temple again. I am moved to tears as I sit here & type because all it made me think is how I am just wasting time & things that truly are to be kept alive are slowly dying out as we advance in this world. I am at a job just to make extra cash, but I am not truly living how I want to. Literally a month ago to this day, we were all in Miami celebrating my little cousin's wedding & Ray was there alive & kicking it. He overcame having polio & is a very well respected member of the medical community. It truly is a matter of 'in an instant life can change'.

I tend to romanticize things, but I don't care. That's me & that's how I am. It's what I do & sometimes, just sometimes, life is actually like that. I have a new perspective on life & I hope that I am strong enough & passionate enough to follow it. I sit here & wish everyone well & hope you all had an amazing holiday with family & friends!