Damn!

My eyebrow lady broke up with me. So much for perfectly coiffed eyebrows. I wish that people living in the US would actually live by US customs...More on that later...

Transitional

So I had this breakthrough of sorts & now am transitioning from floundering to finding my legs beneath me again. BUT, there is this underlying sadness that has surfaced & I am not sure why. It seems like sometimes when a negative enters in my life, it infiltrates to my core & I have a hard time releasing it, shedding it, getting rid of it. Unfortunately I believe this negative is tied to my husband which therein produces the conundrum of what the fuck do I do??

I mean is it wrong to wish all of my in-laws would fly over a cliff in a car together & that'd be the end of that? I can't let those dysfunctional toxic hosebeasts get to me, but sometimes I get like boiling mad about. It's efffed up because I truly don't care what they think. I don't care if my husband spends time with them, I mean I don't have to. BUT, I hate it when he spends $$ on them. They don't deserve it. His mother plays the oh woes me victim, but if you so hard up for cash, then why did you just buy a whole new room of living room furniture?!?!? So it's ok for my husband to spend $40 on a dinner with his mom, but we never do? What is wrong with this Picture? It's not a jealousy thing. It's a 'DAMN-These trifling Ho's DO NOT deserve one red cent spent on their loser bitch asses' thing.

Anyway, that's old news right? So my last post, I posted about my body not defining me. Which for me is huge. Now that I have that perspective, I truly feel like I have been renewed, but with what purpose? I don't feel lost, I feel uncomfortable. I think transition is uncomfortable. At least for me, because I know this transition is huge. I guess I just need to ask myself, what do I truly want? I want knowledge. I don't like the real world & I have decided that if I can stay out of it for as long as I can then I will. I want to be back in school, I want to expand my horizons that have been so small for so long. My immediate goal is to not cry while I am posting - lol! But also I want to try to be in the moment. The thing is, the moments are kind of dull & boring. Stupid brain, just won't turn off.

Well, writing it out has helped me get past today's sadness. I may be back later tonight. Either way, I hope you all are finding your way around your life journey. Peace & Blessings!

Asian

It's the moments I forget I am fat that I am the happiest.

If I don't define myself by my body, then what do I define myself by?

I am slightly miserable this post.

Do you ever feel like you are living in the wrong era?

Seriously, do you ever feel like you are living in a time when it's just not so sweet? I feel like that sometimes. I wish I wasn't here on earth at this time - maybe more like the Victorian era or something. I want to go back in time & live a more peaceful life. These days I feel like everyone is losing touch with what keeps basic human decency...well decent. I feel like our own country really is so politically corrected to death & it creeps me out how some people or even groups of people are so dogmatic about being just like them. I personally have been condemned to hell several times by Christians. Then I am like, that's not very Christian like. Would Jesus really want you to judge like that & wish ill will on other people? I think all religions are beautiful & I think that every one has a right to express the way they worship & how they choose not to worship. Fine by me :) Do what works for you, just don't push it on others.

Today we buried a dear old cousin of mine. His name was Ray. Raymond Kauffman & he was my Jewish Grandfather's first cousin. I have nothing but warm & fond memories of cousin Ray & I know I will miss him dearly. Since I was a little girl, my grand parents would throw Chanukkah parties & have Passover at their house. & Every year cousin Ray & my other cousins would gather at my grandparent's house & celebrate together. I feel like it's the end of an era. All that were of my grandfather's era are now deceased except one. We all stem from the Hannah Rachel Markewich family & I just feel a deep sadness that it's all going away. It's weird because I have never been religious, but today at cousin Ray's funeral, he was remembered & remembered so fondly. This is going to sound selfish, but I want to be remembered fondly. It made me want to start going to Temple again. I am moved to tears as I sit here & type because all it made me think is how I am just wasting time & things that truly are to be kept alive are slowly dying out as we advance in this world. I am at a job just to make extra cash, but I am not truly living how I want to. Literally a month ago to this day, we were all in Miami celebrating my little cousin's wedding & Ray was there alive & kicking it. He overcame having polio & is a very well respected member of the medical community. It truly is a matter of 'in an instant life can change'.

I tend to romanticize things, but I don't care. That's me & that's how I am. It's what I do & sometimes, just sometimes, life is actually like that. I have a new perspective on life & I hope that I am strong enough & passionate enough to follow it. I sit here & wish everyone well & hope you all had an amazing holiday with family & friends!

Reverse Racism

For those of you who know me, you know I am not racist. My best friend is Mexican & one of my favorite people in the world (Tex) is Honduran & beautiful!!!!! My friend Melissa is married to an African American & they have the cutest little boy!!! Hell, even I am half Chinese. With that being said, I have had my first real taste of reverse racism & the thing that chaps my ass is this guy is getting away with it.

It was an incident at the gym & I talked to a manager & he hemmed & hawed because 'he wasn't there.' I told him that, I don't make things up & this guy was being completely blatant. So he asks the guy if anything happened & of course he said no. The thing is, I didn't do anything. I always treat people how I would like to be treated & I never see color. People are people. So the gym will no longer be getting my money & this guy is going to get away with treating people in a biggoted manner. Good for you guys! So our country is so politically correct that you can't correct someone that deserves it!??!? Ugh...I have suffered prejudice before because of religion, but never race. So I guess I am full circle. On top of that, he was just a BULLY. I can't wait until he does something he really can't take back & then 'Uh oh...the widdle gym is going to be in trouble.'

Anyway, this post is not all rainbows & ponies. Sorry y'all, just horribly offended & think that I am going to file a formal complaint. I hope you all are seeing the love & light right now because I sure as hell am not.

Asian

Dream, Dream, Dream..Dreeeeeaaaaam

So if you had a reset button on life & could push it at any time, would you? Are you satisfied with what you have offered this lifetime or vice versa? My therapist said this is a time to push the reset button. I agree, but I am trying to push it with a plan.

Have you followed a lifelong dream & made it a reality? I am curious because I didn't really have a lifelong dream that evolved into a career. Mine are the basics like traveling the world, seeing exotic things & places, living somewhere other than Texas (all of which I have yet to do). I did follow a passion for fitness for a while, but I found that things in life are a lot harder than what my own reality was. So I faltered & fell out of step. I gained a whopping 50 pounds & on this tiny body frame it hurts & is uncomfortable. One conclusion I came to is that I have to do. Just like Nike says to - Just do it! The cool thing is, I have finally turned a corner where I am ok with how i look (well sort of) & knowing that I am working towards a better version of me.

My point is, that I think once my health & well being get somewhat centered, then my true passion will fall into place & I will be doing something I truly love. Right now, I am day dreaming of going back to school & studying anthropology. I am fascinated with archeaology & how we evolved & what happened where & what era. I want to go on a dig & find a new dinosaur or uncover a lost world. I think it will happen, but in stages.

I hope that life has given you what you have wished for & I hope you have given it back. I plan on it! Don't ever stop dreaming & believe in yourself. For whatever is your higher power, I believe he or she shines through you & your being. Just remember, that the only way for it to happen is to do.

Peace out!!!

Asian

Not yesterday, Not tomorrow, but Presently

I wonder what the title of this post is going to be. Not sure, I guess we'll see by the end of this post. So I have come a long way from hating my in-laws to being indifferent. I had a great talk with my mom & she said, 'You know, she's not your mother - I am. So just remember when she's acting like she does, that she is NOT your family. Who cares what she does?' So from talk with mom & months of therapy, she's right. Who gives a fuck what those dysfunctional retards do? No sweat off my back. What a freeing moment in my life.

Let's see...I am still working part time & I am making peace with working. My husband & I have come to the conclusion that if I feel well, then work won't really suck. Speaking of, I have hired a trainer & nutritionist. I am excited more about the nutrition than anything. I like my nutritionist, she is all about lifestyle. LIFESTYLE, not lifestyle changes. If you eat out 10 times a week, she caters to that. Of course I am nutrition illiterate & so the session I had last week will have to be repeated tomorrow. Not to mention I had been traveling a lot last month & got full on sick & took a while to recover. So paying attention to anything really went out the window. Now it's all about health. Health, health & health. Interestingly enough, I took this basal metabolic rate test & my shizz is LOW. Like my nutritionist has put me on a 1300 calories a day diet. Whoa. But I am ok with that because even though I am coming into my own, I am still incredibly embarrassed being a fat ass. From what my research has told me, Nutrition alone will help drop the lbs.

My hubby & I are doing well. No complaints & yes, he still spoils the hell out of me. I'm ok with that. Why not?!?!? I have unplugged from Face Book & am taking little steps to remove myself from outside influences. It really is about me & trying to be present. I have been branding myself though - purses & now I have added Gucci sunglasses to my repertoire. I know, I know, I have issues.

Anyway, I hope everyone is well & trying to be present in the moment. I am hoping to blog some more!!! Peace out!!

Asian