I haven't written in months...Well, Yeah, Ok - I haven't really HAD anything to write about. Does anyone really care what I write anyway?! lol - I am truly just writing what I feel because typing is easier than writing these days.
So for some unknown reason, a huge wave of sorrow hit me today. It was about mid afternoon & for the life of me I can't figure out why. I don't have depression...I am thinking maybe it's a form of anger? It was such a huge hit, that I almost didn't go hang out with my family whom I absolutely love & adore. Could it be the death of old me? But why the fuck would I worry about her?!?!?!
I've been listening to music for the past two hours & I realize that my life has to revolve around music in some form. It truly makes the world go around. Ok, my point for bringing this up is it totally affects my mood!!!! Does that happen to you?! I have to admit, the music lover in me is incredibly bi-polar. Love all kinds (except country music - that is like scraping nails down a chalkboard for me). Ooooooooooooh...I think I am getting it. I need to stay unplugged. I just got back from vacation from Hawaii & didn't really have any ties to social media. That has to be it.
I've been reading books like they are going out of style. I forgot how much I love to read. Hmmm....I think this damn post is bi-polar. I am all over the place. But mostly I want to write about the sadness. I haven't felt this in eons. I don't have anything to be sad about unless it's something that is going to happen. Which could possibly be it. BUT with 80's music in the background how could I be sad?!?! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....Oh well...to be continued.
Peace!
Asian
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Growing Up
Does anyone in my age brackett feel like growing up is hard to do? I am 36 & still feel like I am 26. Well still feel like I am 26 in mind & spirit, not so much body. I had a great discussion with my friend Tex in the City this past Friday & we talked about what is going on in our lives. I always start with, "Well my life is really boring right now." Which in some parts are true. Don't get me wrong, I am having a blast with my husband and being a sort of semi-housewife, but for the most part I am very low key. You'll never hear about the time I got so drunk that....or you'll never hear about this fabulous gala I attended. I'm ok with that though. I am actually quitting my gym membership this week because I am trying to be true to my true self. I am a homebody at heart & would rather work out at home than go to the gym.
Anyway, I am asking about growing up. I once asked my dad what it felt like to be a grownup & he stated you never really do until your parents pass away. Well, for me that is NOT an option. I am secretly willing my parents to stay alive forever...That being said, and back to my conversation with Texlie, we talked about what is keeping us stuck. Or at least that was my end of the conversation :) I let her know that this struggle with weight is really hard for me. Most people have been overweight all their lives & then get in shape, but I am the opposite. I have been in great shape all of my life & then got fat :(. So to make a long story short, Texlie explained to me to something of the effect of surrendering to your higher self & not so much your higher power. And never give up! DING! OMG - that makes so much more sense. A long time ago, my therapist tried to get me to talk to my old self (i.e. where I am now) from my new self (where I want to be) & say to her what she thinks I should do. I didn't get that until Texlie said that. That statement alone has single handedly lifted a huge burden I had been carrying around on my shoulders for years. From that moment, I just ask myself - 'Truly, what would you as your higher self do?' My higher self would not be laying in bed sleeping half the day away!!! Or whatever. So essentially I feel it's about my growing up. I think at heart I will always & forever be free spirited & a kid, but that doesn't mean I won't be making decisions that better myself and lift my spiritual side up.
Health is an issue for me now & I have to say it's an uphill battle. I am made from a very different cloth & my body is sensitive to a lot of foods. I Had been staying away from meat for a month or so & I ate some last Sunday & I felt sluggish & yucky. I also had cheese too...Can I say something that is way too much TMI? Well I am going to anyway, I had the WORST body odor!!! It was embarassing. My body just couldn't process what I was putting into. So I started fresh this Monday & can I say that it's Motherfucking hard to get back in the saddle. There is no point in cheating myself because it only makes it that much harder to accomplish what my higher self keeps telling me to do. So, from here on out, mark my words, I will always adhere to what my higher self has to say :) I may not AGREE with her, but in the long run I know it'll be worth it.
I hope everyone is doing well. I am in transition yet again, but this time I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Peace & LOVE!
Asian
Anyway, I am asking about growing up. I once asked my dad what it felt like to be a grownup & he stated you never really do until your parents pass away. Well, for me that is NOT an option. I am secretly willing my parents to stay alive forever...That being said, and back to my conversation with Texlie, we talked about what is keeping us stuck. Or at least that was my end of the conversation :) I let her know that this struggle with weight is really hard for me. Most people have been overweight all their lives & then get in shape, but I am the opposite. I have been in great shape all of my life & then got fat :(. So to make a long story short, Texlie explained to me to something of the effect of surrendering to your higher self & not so much your higher power. And never give up! DING! OMG - that makes so much more sense. A long time ago, my therapist tried to get me to talk to my old self (i.e. where I am now) from my new self (where I want to be) & say to her what she thinks I should do. I didn't get that until Texlie said that. That statement alone has single handedly lifted a huge burden I had been carrying around on my shoulders for years. From that moment, I just ask myself - 'Truly, what would you as your higher self do?' My higher self would not be laying in bed sleeping half the day away!!! Or whatever. So essentially I feel it's about my growing up. I think at heart I will always & forever be free spirited & a kid, but that doesn't mean I won't be making decisions that better myself and lift my spiritual side up.
Health is an issue for me now & I have to say it's an uphill battle. I am made from a very different cloth & my body is sensitive to a lot of foods. I Had been staying away from meat for a month or so & I ate some last Sunday & I felt sluggish & yucky. I also had cheese too...Can I say something that is way too much TMI? Well I am going to anyway, I had the WORST body odor!!! It was embarassing. My body just couldn't process what I was putting into. So I started fresh this Monday & can I say that it's Motherfucking hard to get back in the saddle. There is no point in cheating myself because it only makes it that much harder to accomplish what my higher self keeps telling me to do. So, from here on out, mark my words, I will always adhere to what my higher self has to say :) I may not AGREE with her, but in the long run I know it'll be worth it.
I hope everyone is doing well. I am in transition yet again, but this time I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Peace & LOVE!
Asian
Monday, January 10, 2011
Why I love my husband
A post from an instant message:
feel good baby, you should.. you're a wonderful person, a loving wife, a beautiful girl, and a bundle of possibilities
feel good baby, you should.. you're a wonderful person, a loving wife, a beautiful girl, and a bundle of possibilities
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Happy New Year!!!!
Howdy Peops! I hope everyone has rung in the new year safely & happily. You know, a lot of people have said that 2010 sucked for them, but personally I don't feel that way. Through the powers that be (therapy), I got out of my funk & finally had a personal break through. I have figured out (with therapy) that the underlying sadness that I am feeling is the letting go of parts of Old Me. That I have been in resistance to who I really am & it's uncomfortable gearing up for the New Me. That's ok though, I haven't met anyone who said that something worth doing doesn't take a bit of blood, sweat & tears.
Just in general, right now my husband & I are paying down debt at a rapid pace. Thank GOD we have been very fortunate in the last year financially. He has an amazing job & I, well, I have a job that helps me pay for therapy ;). It's not something I want to do forever, but the Universe made sure I stayed in this job & for a reason. I am beginning to realize that maybe this job is my ticket to real freedom. Freedom? Yes, freedom. Freedom to pay for the class I want to take this summer. Freedom to save $$$ to travel the world. Freedom to take the next class I want & fulfill a real dream!!! Yeah, the nerd in me still wants to go on archealogical digs. That may be in the form of a cool trip. I am hoping I actualy eventually get the letters PHD behind my name in the field of anthropology. Or, hell, if it comes down to an exotic trip far away, so be it (less paperwork)!!!
I have to say my 2011 thus far has not been so great. Not sure why, but my sinuses have attacked & I feel like my head is being crushed like a vice. It travels from the front of my head all the way down the back of my neck. Boo hoo. But I am ok just laying around sleeping it off.
I have to say that I have had some good food for my soul lately and I really need to love thyself. I know, it's all psychobabble, but when I am on top of my game so is everything else in my world. I need to get my power back & this is the time. How it's going to happen? That remains to be seen :) I hope you all stick around though for the ride because I promise it's going to be life changing!!!!
Well, that is all that is in my head right now. I do wish you all a very happy new year & that at least one dream comes true this year!!!
Peace & Love!!
Asian
Just in general, right now my husband & I are paying down debt at a rapid pace. Thank GOD we have been very fortunate in the last year financially. He has an amazing job & I, well, I have a job that helps me pay for therapy ;). It's not something I want to do forever, but the Universe made sure I stayed in this job & for a reason. I am beginning to realize that maybe this job is my ticket to real freedom. Freedom? Yes, freedom. Freedom to pay for the class I want to take this summer. Freedom to save $$$ to travel the world. Freedom to take the next class I want & fulfill a real dream!!! Yeah, the nerd in me still wants to go on archealogical digs. That may be in the form of a cool trip. I am hoping I actualy eventually get the letters PHD behind my name in the field of anthropology. Or, hell, if it comes down to an exotic trip far away, so be it (less paperwork)!!!
I have to say my 2011 thus far has not been so great. Not sure why, but my sinuses have attacked & I feel like my head is being crushed like a vice. It travels from the front of my head all the way down the back of my neck. Boo hoo. But I am ok just laying around sleeping it off.
I have to say that I have had some good food for my soul lately and I really need to love thyself. I know, it's all psychobabble, but when I am on top of my game so is everything else in my world. I need to get my power back & this is the time. How it's going to happen? That remains to be seen :) I hope you all stick around though for the ride because I promise it's going to be life changing!!!!
Well, that is all that is in my head right now. I do wish you all a very happy new year & that at least one dream comes true this year!!!
Peace & Love!!
Asian
Monday, December 13, 2010
Damn!
My eyebrow lady broke up with me. So much for perfectly coiffed eyebrows. I wish that people living in the US would actually live by US customs...More on that later...
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Transitional
So I had this breakthrough of sorts & now am transitioning from floundering to finding my legs beneath me again. BUT, there is this underlying sadness that has surfaced & I am not sure why. It seems like sometimes when a negative enters in my life, it infiltrates to my core & I have a hard time releasing it, shedding it, getting rid of it. Unfortunately I believe this negative is tied to my husband which therein produces the conundrum of what the fuck do I do??
I mean is it wrong to wish all of my in-laws would fly over a cliff in a car together & that'd be the end of that? I can't let those dysfunctional toxic hosebeasts get to me, but sometimes I get like boiling mad about. It's efffed up because I truly don't care what they think. I don't care if my husband spends time with them, I mean I don't have to. BUT, I hate it when he spends $$ on them. They don't deserve it. His mother plays the oh woes me victim, but if you so hard up for cash, then why did you just buy a whole new room of living room furniture?!?!? So it's ok for my husband to spend $40 on a dinner with his mom, but we never do? What is wrong with this Picture? It's not a jealousy thing. It's a 'DAMN-These trifling Ho's DO NOT deserve one red cent spent on their loser bitch asses' thing.
Anyway, that's old news right? So my last post, I posted about my body not defining me. Which for me is huge. Now that I have that perspective, I truly feel like I have been renewed, but with what purpose? I don't feel lost, I feel uncomfortable. I think transition is uncomfortable. At least for me, because I know this transition is huge. I guess I just need to ask myself, what do I truly want? I want knowledge. I don't like the real world & I have decided that if I can stay out of it for as long as I can then I will. I want to be back in school, I want to expand my horizons that have been so small for so long. My immediate goal is to not cry while I am posting - lol! But also I want to try to be in the moment. The thing is, the moments are kind of dull & boring. Stupid brain, just won't turn off.
Well, writing it out has helped me get past today's sadness. I may be back later tonight. Either way, I hope you all are finding your way around your life journey. Peace & Blessings!
Asian
I mean is it wrong to wish all of my in-laws would fly over a cliff in a car together & that'd be the end of that? I can't let those dysfunctional toxic hosebeasts get to me, but sometimes I get like boiling mad about. It's efffed up because I truly don't care what they think. I don't care if my husband spends time with them, I mean I don't have to. BUT, I hate it when he spends $$ on them. They don't deserve it. His mother plays the oh woes me victim, but if you so hard up for cash, then why did you just buy a whole new room of living room furniture?!?!? So it's ok for my husband to spend $40 on a dinner with his mom, but we never do? What is wrong with this Picture? It's not a jealousy thing. It's a 'DAMN-These trifling Ho's DO NOT deserve one red cent spent on their loser bitch asses' thing.
Anyway, that's old news right? So my last post, I posted about my body not defining me. Which for me is huge. Now that I have that perspective, I truly feel like I have been renewed, but with what purpose? I don't feel lost, I feel uncomfortable. I think transition is uncomfortable. At least for me, because I know this transition is huge. I guess I just need to ask myself, what do I truly want? I want knowledge. I don't like the real world & I have decided that if I can stay out of it for as long as I can then I will. I want to be back in school, I want to expand my horizons that have been so small for so long. My immediate goal is to not cry while I am posting - lol! But also I want to try to be in the moment. The thing is, the moments are kind of dull & boring. Stupid brain, just won't turn off.
Well, writing it out has helped me get past today's sadness. I may be back later tonight. Either way, I hope you all are finding your way around your life journey. Peace & Blessings!
Asian
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