A post from an instant message:
feel good baby, you should.. you're a wonderful person, a loving wife, a beautiful girl, and a bundle of possibilities
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Happy New Year!!!!
Howdy Peops! I hope everyone has rung in the new year safely & happily. You know, a lot of people have said that 2010 sucked for them, but personally I don't feel that way. Through the powers that be (therapy), I got out of my funk & finally had a personal break through. I have figured out (with therapy) that the underlying sadness that I am feeling is the letting go of parts of Old Me. That I have been in resistance to who I really am & it's uncomfortable gearing up for the New Me. That's ok though, I haven't met anyone who said that something worth doing doesn't take a bit of blood, sweat & tears.
Just in general, right now my husband & I are paying down debt at a rapid pace. Thank GOD we have been very fortunate in the last year financially. He has an amazing job & I, well, I have a job that helps me pay for therapy ;). It's not something I want to do forever, but the Universe made sure I stayed in this job & for a reason. I am beginning to realize that maybe this job is my ticket to real freedom. Freedom? Yes, freedom. Freedom to pay for the class I want to take this summer. Freedom to save $$$ to travel the world. Freedom to take the next class I want & fulfill a real dream!!! Yeah, the nerd in me still wants to go on archealogical digs. That may be in the form of a cool trip. I am hoping I actualy eventually get the letters PHD behind my name in the field of anthropology. Or, hell, if it comes down to an exotic trip far away, so be it (less paperwork)!!!
I have to say my 2011 thus far has not been so great. Not sure why, but my sinuses have attacked & I feel like my head is being crushed like a vice. It travels from the front of my head all the way down the back of my neck. Boo hoo. But I am ok just laying around sleeping it off.
I have to say that I have had some good food for my soul lately and I really need to love thyself. I know, it's all psychobabble, but when I am on top of my game so is everything else in my world. I need to get my power back & this is the time. How it's going to happen? That remains to be seen :) I hope you all stick around though for the ride because I promise it's going to be life changing!!!!
Well, that is all that is in my head right now. I do wish you all a very happy new year & that at least one dream comes true this year!!!
Peace & Love!!
Asian
Just in general, right now my husband & I are paying down debt at a rapid pace. Thank GOD we have been very fortunate in the last year financially. He has an amazing job & I, well, I have a job that helps me pay for therapy ;). It's not something I want to do forever, but the Universe made sure I stayed in this job & for a reason. I am beginning to realize that maybe this job is my ticket to real freedom. Freedom? Yes, freedom. Freedom to pay for the class I want to take this summer. Freedom to save $$$ to travel the world. Freedom to take the next class I want & fulfill a real dream!!! Yeah, the nerd in me still wants to go on archealogical digs. That may be in the form of a cool trip. I am hoping I actualy eventually get the letters PHD behind my name in the field of anthropology. Or, hell, if it comes down to an exotic trip far away, so be it (less paperwork)!!!
I have to say my 2011 thus far has not been so great. Not sure why, but my sinuses have attacked & I feel like my head is being crushed like a vice. It travels from the front of my head all the way down the back of my neck. Boo hoo. But I am ok just laying around sleeping it off.
I have to say that I have had some good food for my soul lately and I really need to love thyself. I know, it's all psychobabble, but when I am on top of my game so is everything else in my world. I need to get my power back & this is the time. How it's going to happen? That remains to be seen :) I hope you all stick around though for the ride because I promise it's going to be life changing!!!!
Well, that is all that is in my head right now. I do wish you all a very happy new year & that at least one dream comes true this year!!!
Peace & Love!!
Asian
Monday, December 13, 2010
Damn!
My eyebrow lady broke up with me. So much for perfectly coiffed eyebrows. I wish that people living in the US would actually live by US customs...More on that later...
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Transitional
So I had this breakthrough of sorts & now am transitioning from floundering to finding my legs beneath me again. BUT, there is this underlying sadness that has surfaced & I am not sure why. It seems like sometimes when a negative enters in my life, it infiltrates to my core & I have a hard time releasing it, shedding it, getting rid of it. Unfortunately I believe this negative is tied to my husband which therein produces the conundrum of what the fuck do I do??
I mean is it wrong to wish all of my in-laws would fly over a cliff in a car together & that'd be the end of that? I can't let those dysfunctional toxic hosebeasts get to me, but sometimes I get like boiling mad about. It's efffed up because I truly don't care what they think. I don't care if my husband spends time with them, I mean I don't have to. BUT, I hate it when he spends $$ on them. They don't deserve it. His mother plays the oh woes me victim, but if you so hard up for cash, then why did you just buy a whole new room of living room furniture?!?!? So it's ok for my husband to spend $40 on a dinner with his mom, but we never do? What is wrong with this Picture? It's not a jealousy thing. It's a 'DAMN-These trifling Ho's DO NOT deserve one red cent spent on their loser bitch asses' thing.
Anyway, that's old news right? So my last post, I posted about my body not defining me. Which for me is huge. Now that I have that perspective, I truly feel like I have been renewed, but with what purpose? I don't feel lost, I feel uncomfortable. I think transition is uncomfortable. At least for me, because I know this transition is huge. I guess I just need to ask myself, what do I truly want? I want knowledge. I don't like the real world & I have decided that if I can stay out of it for as long as I can then I will. I want to be back in school, I want to expand my horizons that have been so small for so long. My immediate goal is to not cry while I am posting - lol! But also I want to try to be in the moment. The thing is, the moments are kind of dull & boring. Stupid brain, just won't turn off.
Well, writing it out has helped me get past today's sadness. I may be back later tonight. Either way, I hope you all are finding your way around your life journey. Peace & Blessings!
Asian
I mean is it wrong to wish all of my in-laws would fly over a cliff in a car together & that'd be the end of that? I can't let those dysfunctional toxic hosebeasts get to me, but sometimes I get like boiling mad about. It's efffed up because I truly don't care what they think. I don't care if my husband spends time with them, I mean I don't have to. BUT, I hate it when he spends $$ on them. They don't deserve it. His mother plays the oh woes me victim, but if you so hard up for cash, then why did you just buy a whole new room of living room furniture?!?!? So it's ok for my husband to spend $40 on a dinner with his mom, but we never do? What is wrong with this Picture? It's not a jealousy thing. It's a 'DAMN-These trifling Ho's DO NOT deserve one red cent spent on their loser bitch asses' thing.
Anyway, that's old news right? So my last post, I posted about my body not defining me. Which for me is huge. Now that I have that perspective, I truly feel like I have been renewed, but with what purpose? I don't feel lost, I feel uncomfortable. I think transition is uncomfortable. At least for me, because I know this transition is huge. I guess I just need to ask myself, what do I truly want? I want knowledge. I don't like the real world & I have decided that if I can stay out of it for as long as I can then I will. I want to be back in school, I want to expand my horizons that have been so small for so long. My immediate goal is to not cry while I am posting - lol! But also I want to try to be in the moment. The thing is, the moments are kind of dull & boring. Stupid brain, just won't turn off.
Well, writing it out has helped me get past today's sadness. I may be back later tonight. Either way, I hope you all are finding your way around your life journey. Peace & Blessings!
Asian
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Do you ever feel like you are living in the wrong era?
Seriously, do you ever feel like you are living in a time when it's just not so sweet? I feel like that sometimes. I wish I wasn't here on earth at this time - maybe more like the Victorian era or something. I want to go back in time & live a more peaceful life. These days I feel like everyone is losing touch with what keeps basic human decency...well decent. I feel like our own country really is so politically corrected to death & it creeps me out how some people or even groups of people are so dogmatic about being just like them. I personally have been condemned to hell several times by Christians. Then I am like, that's not very Christian like. Would Jesus really want you to judge like that & wish ill will on other people? I think all religions are beautiful & I think that every one has a right to express the way they worship & how they choose not to worship. Fine by me :) Do what works for you, just don't push it on others.
Today we buried a dear old cousin of mine. His name was Ray. Raymond Kauffman & he was my Jewish Grandfather's first cousin. I have nothing but warm & fond memories of cousin Ray & I know I will miss him dearly. Since I was a little girl, my grand parents would throw Chanukkah parties & have Passover at their house. & Every year cousin Ray & my other cousins would gather at my grandparent's house & celebrate together. I feel like it's the end of an era. All that were of my grandfather's era are now deceased except one. We all stem from the Hannah Rachel Markewich family & I just feel a deep sadness that it's all going away. It's weird because I have never been religious, but today at cousin Ray's funeral, he was remembered & remembered so fondly. This is going to sound selfish, but I want to be remembered fondly. It made me want to start going to Temple again. I am moved to tears as I sit here & type because all it made me think is how I am just wasting time & things that truly are to be kept alive are slowly dying out as we advance in this world. I am at a job just to make extra cash, but I am not truly living how I want to. Literally a month ago to this day, we were all in Miami celebrating my little cousin's wedding & Ray was there alive & kicking it. He overcame having polio & is a very well respected member of the medical community. It truly is a matter of 'in an instant life can change'.
I tend to romanticize things, but I don't care. That's me & that's how I am. It's what I do & sometimes, just sometimes, life is actually like that. I have a new perspective on life & I hope that I am strong enough & passionate enough to follow it. I sit here & wish everyone well & hope you all had an amazing holiday with family & friends!
Today we buried a dear old cousin of mine. His name was Ray. Raymond Kauffman & he was my Jewish Grandfather's first cousin. I have nothing but warm & fond memories of cousin Ray & I know I will miss him dearly. Since I was a little girl, my grand parents would throw Chanukkah parties & have Passover at their house. & Every year cousin Ray & my other cousins would gather at my grandparent's house & celebrate together. I feel like it's the end of an era. All that were of my grandfather's era are now deceased except one. We all stem from the Hannah Rachel Markewich family & I just feel a deep sadness that it's all going away. It's weird because I have never been religious, but today at cousin Ray's funeral, he was remembered & remembered so fondly. This is going to sound selfish, but I want to be remembered fondly. It made me want to start going to Temple again. I am moved to tears as I sit here & type because all it made me think is how I am just wasting time & things that truly are to be kept alive are slowly dying out as we advance in this world. I am at a job just to make extra cash, but I am not truly living how I want to. Literally a month ago to this day, we were all in Miami celebrating my little cousin's wedding & Ray was there alive & kicking it. He overcame having polio & is a very well respected member of the medical community. It truly is a matter of 'in an instant life can change'.
I tend to romanticize things, but I don't care. That's me & that's how I am. It's what I do & sometimes, just sometimes, life is actually like that. I have a new perspective on life & I hope that I am strong enough & passionate enough to follow it. I sit here & wish everyone well & hope you all had an amazing holiday with family & friends!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Reverse Racism
For those of you who know me, you know I am not racist. My best friend is Mexican & one of my favorite people in the world (Tex) is Honduran & beautiful!!!!! My friend Melissa is married to an African American & they have the cutest little boy!!! Hell, even I am half Chinese. With that being said, I have had my first real taste of reverse racism & the thing that chaps my ass is this guy is getting away with it.
It was an incident at the gym & I talked to a manager & he hemmed & hawed because 'he wasn't there.' I told him that, I don't make things up & this guy was being completely blatant. So he asks the guy if anything happened & of course he said no. The thing is, I didn't do anything. I always treat people how I would like to be treated & I never see color. People are people. So the gym will no longer be getting my money & this guy is going to get away with treating people in a biggoted manner. Good for you guys! So our country is so politically correct that you can't correct someone that deserves it!??!? Ugh...I have suffered prejudice before because of religion, but never race. So I guess I am full circle. On top of that, he was just a BULLY. I can't wait until he does something he really can't take back & then 'Uh oh...the widdle gym is going to be in trouble.'
Anyway, this post is not all rainbows & ponies. Sorry y'all, just horribly offended & think that I am going to file a formal complaint. I hope you all are seeing the love & light right now because I sure as hell am not.
Asian
It was an incident at the gym & I talked to a manager & he hemmed & hawed because 'he wasn't there.' I told him that, I don't make things up & this guy was being completely blatant. So he asks the guy if anything happened & of course he said no. The thing is, I didn't do anything. I always treat people how I would like to be treated & I never see color. People are people. So the gym will no longer be getting my money & this guy is going to get away with treating people in a biggoted manner. Good for you guys! So our country is so politically correct that you can't correct someone that deserves it!??!? Ugh...I have suffered prejudice before because of religion, but never race. So I guess I am full circle. On top of that, he was just a BULLY. I can't wait until he does something he really can't take back & then 'Uh oh...the widdle gym is going to be in trouble.'
Anyway, this post is not all rainbows & ponies. Sorry y'all, just horribly offended & think that I am going to file a formal complaint. I hope you all are seeing the love & light right now because I sure as hell am not.
Asian
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