I'm NOT Every Woman

And then...she disappeared

2012-01-20T09:26:00.002-06:00

I really wonder what would happen if I cut off all social media. Would people really care? Are other people too busy to realize that little old me has vanished? I doubt it...There are some days where I know I have great friends, but sometimes it feels like I am the one who always has to make the plans. 99% of the time it's ok, but ever so often it'd be nice for someone to ask me to do something. Now granted, I am 100% a homebody :) So I guess that 1% where I am wistful is more like me throwing a pity party.

Anyway, I think I may disappear for a while. Life was like that before facebook & twitter. Right? Peace & Love to all!

Weird Weather

2012-01-16T13:23:00.002-06:00

So I live in Texas & the weather sucks here. I don't care how cold natured you are, the motherf!%^*#%$ heat here sucks. Not to mention the humidity. It's January 16th & it will be almost 80 today with 100% humidity. You do the math, nice sleek hair day or frizzed out captain caveman hair?

Anyway, I had a green drink today for breakfast (about 72 oz) & immediately fell asleep :) This is what happens with me. Well, to be honest, I hadn't had a green smoothie in 3 days because we are lazy & haven't been to the store. Then like dumb animals, we went to Costco at like 6:30 pm yesterday, but lo & behold they close at 6 pm on Sundays. So a trip tonight to grab some Spinach & any bulk items we can put our green wanting paws on. Their bulk spinach is Awesomely priced!! It's cheaper than any grocery store. So back to the napping thing, it takes about 3 days before my energy levels are normal. But hopefully, we will stick to it long term :) Not to solely lose weight, but more so to be healthy & live a long life together. We are doing an 8 week experiment of plant based meals. Not sure the format yet & I am almost positive we'll stumble a lot the first week or so.

So wish us luck! I'll try to keep y'all posted, but I feel like going a little underground until my experiment is well under way.

Hugs!

Forks Over Knives

2012-01-13T08:11:00.003-06:00

I finally got a copy of Forks Over Knives & it was really great watching it! No shock value, just scientific research & information. I totally dig it!

So the news I was talking about a couple of days ago is that I got a new car. Hopefully this will be one I hold onto for a while!!! This is my 3rd new car in three years, but I was like Goldilocks with other two. One was too small & well, my Mustang was just a piece. So I got a medium sized SUV & I think this is the one!!!

Other than that, boring, boring, boring!!! I really want to make $$$$. Need to figure that one out because I want to work from home. If any of y'all have any ideas, please throw them my way!!!!

Peace!!!!

Short Post

2012-01-10T08:57:00.002-06:00

I wanted to post early this morning because both my husband & I felt like we needed to go to sleep at 5 pm yesterday. BUT, this morning when we woke up we purged a ton of stuff. Sorry, TMI, but I am charting my progress on here. Anyway, so my theory is that just the green drink alone is doing its job. Because after we purged we both felt more energy & lighter.

Today I had to move on to frozen tropical fruits to put in my smoothie. Not bad, a bit milder & smoother. I like the contrast. Ok, that's it. Just wanted to get that down on paper.

No nap needed

2012-01-08T20:49:00.002-06:00

I feel compelled to write because I can't get over how normal I feel. I haven't felt normal energy in YEARS. I mean for a loooooooooooooong time....I haven't taken a nap in two days which is huge for me. Well, I was pms'ng & then had my monthly Uh girly thing. BUT, I am in the midst of normal energy & wanting to actually put forth some physical exertion - i.e. exercise. We'll see how this pans out :)

It's day 5 of green smoothies & I have no plans on stopping this bidness. I still haven't changed my diet, but I am making a big batch of cabbage soup (not to diet, I just like eating it!). Tomorrow I am going to embark upon tons of soup, green smoothies & probably some soup. I have some exciting news to tell, but can't say anything until later this week. & NO - I am not pregnant!!! Stay tuned to find out ;)

Such good energy for 2012 & this really is my year!!! No more looking back, no more declarations, just living life one day at a time.

Love you all!!!!

Green Smoothies Rock

2012-01-07T16:18:00.003-06:00

So I've had 3 consecutive days of green smoothies & I have to say I finally notice something. I feel normal. Normal energy, normal as in able to do things without wondering when I can take my next nap. I haven't really changed my diet either. Who knew bombarding my body with a ton of greens would make such a difference? Either way, I dig. Seriously, it's the easiest & most beneficial thing I think I've done in a long time. Easy cleanup too..

I haven't had a green smoothie yet today, but I know I'll be having one for dinner. I've built up to 64 oz of green smoothie a day & it's kind of funny, because despite what raw foodists say - I GET A BUZZ. I am all jittery & shit & like all over the place. It's the equivalent of drinking tons of coffee or redbull, but all natural.

So everything I put in my last post was a lie. I completely forgot about my kale again & haven't made my orange/banana concoction...but I've had great energy all day & what I mean by great energy, I mean normal. Yippee!!!

I really wish I had a camcorder to record my progress. May have to suck it up & get one...we'll see ;) I hope all is well with everyone...

Peace & Happiness!!!

Kale Chip Day

2012-01-06T08:42:00.002-06:00

So once I said Kale Chips would be a staple in this house once a week. That was a crock of shit as I haven't made too many since. However, I forgot I bought some kale & those babies are going into the oven today! Such an easy way to get in some more greens. Speaking of greens, I am sipping on my morning green drink. Nom, Nom, Nom...

I think I am going to try my hand at some kind of orange concoction type of drink today. I have a ton of oranges that are about to go bad. I am thinking oranges & bananas...

Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well!!!

Peace!

First Post of 2012

2012-01-05T07:53:00.002-06:00

So my new thing is not to make any declarations. All I do when I do that is feel like I fail in one way or another. 2012 is so my year it's going to be insane!!!

Today is the second day I've had green smoothies for breakfast. Quite truthfully, when I get this smoothie thing down, I'll probably drink them all day until my body gets into better alignment. THEY ARE SO DELICIOUS!!!! All natural products....& Might I say that I am a VITAMIX QUEEN?

For those of you who have followed me for a while, you all know I've been wanting to try raw foods for like two years. I failed & then failed time & again. So this time around, I am easing myself into things & really just trying to get in more fruits & vegetables. I am NOT giving anything up in my diet, just making better choices along with bombarding my body with green smoothies & fruit. It's interesting because my brother has completely gravitated towards this kind of lifestyle & I am stoked because now I have a support group.

So let me tell you what I put in my smoothie:

1 whole cucumber
2 big handfuls of baby spinach
parsley
1 slice of lemon with skin
2 handfuls of grapes
2 handfuls frozen strawberries
2 bananas
1 apple
a little bit of water
(My husband uses celery, but I think it makes it too tart)

Anyway, that's it! I wish Vitamixes were affordable for everyone as they are so easy & useful!!! I've had the damn thing for a couple of years & am just now getting around to using it. But I have to say, it's easy, easy, easy. What I am drinking is equivalent to a HUGE salad. When I get a camera (I really want a camcorder), I will record & post pics of the smoothies. Nom, Nom, Nom!

My energy has been ok (I'm in the throes of PMS), but I woke up today with definitely more energy. For lunch, I'll probably have a chick-fil-a grilled chicken sandwich & large unsweetened Iced Tea. So there...no big sacrifices or leaving things out. I don't know, I'll probably drink more green drink!!!

Ok-well, welcome to 2012! I hope everyone's year has started off on a great foot.

XXOO

Asian

I'm back

2011-12-31T18:55:00.002-06:00

Ok, so I deleted this blog & brought it back...I was reading some past posts & decided that I am so over myself!!!! BLECH...I mean I Know that is what blogging is about, but come on. The same shit everyday? Time to change...

One thing I've learned is to stop making declarations. So, here's the deal...I just felt like writing a little something & decided to post here. But I may delete some past posts. I don't feel they are very productive...Some blogs actually have progression & show it. Mine is just a big whine I think. Anyway, 2012 is my year. I am hoping to get a small camcorder to record my progress & then post them at once ;) I hope to inspire myself & then others...

So to be continued...

Happy New Year!!!!

Love

Asian

I'm deleting this blog

2011-12-12T08:46:00.001-06:00

Sick

2011-12-08T08:21:00.001-06:00

Yuck, been sick since Thanksgiving. Part of me thinks it's because I ate everything & put bread back into my system. Body was pissed off! I finally broke down & took Advil Cold & Sinus meds, and am finally feeling a bit better. My nasal passages sealed up like a ziploc bag & now are somewhat open. That's about it.

I'm over myself

2011-12-05T15:58:00.002-06:00

I think I am done talking about food & my journey on it, in it & through it. I am over it! Whatever will be, will be. Now if I turn out looking like a super model, I promise to share!!

I had a really good talk with my brother & it's nice to have support on my journey. I don't care what anyone else says, everybody needs support! My newest thing is to give out the best possible energy to all those whom I stumble across. Now with my being a homebody, I guess that might be a bit hard, but you get the general idea! I am vibing so that you have health & happiness! My perspective on life is turning around in a good way & well life is just easier. Even at my unhealthy overweight self, I am receiving great energy from all over. I know for a fact it's because I am putting it out there. I am ready to give.

I guess that's it because right now I am going to give my eyes a rest & take a nap! I love you all & hope you have had a stellar day!

Asian

Drama

2011-12-04T18:36:00.001-06:00

Ok, I was a bit dramatic in my last post, but I do tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve. One thing I've learned is that I can't let my emotions control my life. Sigh...I really think I am going to start a new anonymous blog. I'll let ya know!

Heart Broken

2011-12-03T15:25:00.003-06:00

Ok...I don't have a title for this post yet, but after watching this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=es6U00LMmC4 - I have decided to not anything with a face or that takes a shit. I know, very blunt straight up, but after watching this video, I feel like my heart has been ripped out of me & that my breath has completely been taken away. Seriously, I've been crying & sleeping all day, that is how powerful this man's speech is.

Also, I have to say this with utmost respect, my husband has been a First Class Asshole about the whole thing. He doesn't get it & I don't think he ever will. Asshole. Yeah I said that. I'll say it again - ASSHOLE. I started bawling & he stormed off MAD AT ME. WTF? Go Fuck yourself.

Anyway, I don't have time to waste energy on that mess. I am making a concious decision again like I said to not eat anything that has a face or takes a shit. Plain & simple! How I accomplish this is going to be simple, I am eating fruits & veggies & the haters can Shut The F*ck Up!

Ok-glad I got that out of my system. Don't worry, I am not going to get all Crazy PETA on you...well, I may pose nude once my body transforms. Hey - why not!??!?!

Love to you all & all the little animals out there.

Asian

I've been cheating on Atkins

2011-11-29T09:57:00.002-06:00

So Turkey day came & went & of course I went off my diet. Oh CHILD! Gained a bit of weight, but eh...I will tell you what has happened to my body since I got off Atkins:

1. My allergies have hit me full force - so congested!
2. The Bloat came back full swing. WHOA!
3. Slept way too much

Ok-now with that being said, here's what I've done since. I am cheating on Atkins with The Cabbage Soup Diet. Since then this is what has happened:

1. Allergies still suck
2. Bloating has gone away
3. Losing weight

And here are my thoughts....As you all know, I've been searching for the "Answer" to my weight loss. In the beginning I knew my body was out of whack - i.e. hormones, etc. Now I am more of just following through to see how my body responds. I've really thought going vegan or raw was the answer, but I will admit it's really hard! So with that being said, I think I may have found somewhat of an answer. After countless hours on the interwebs, I have found the Paleo Diet. It's a perfect mix of no grains, dairy or sugar! YIPPEE! Because going gluten free is hard to find recipes, but Paleo peops have their food down to a science. It includes grass fed meats & tons of veggies + complex carbs. I know, I've been all over creation with this, but I am excited. Just excited because I can cook (YES-I am still digging it) & be healthy & not completely give up things. It's hard to explain, but just a feeling of ultimate health sounds like bliss to me.

Ah bliss...who doesn't want it?!?! So my friends, my journey continues, but it continues with a genuine wink & smile.

Love!

Asian

Day Sixteen - Week 3

2011-11-21T21:01:00.002-06:00

Uhm...yeah...so still on Atkins...

I just have one announcement:

GLUTEN IS THE DEVIL

I have been stalking veganbodybuilding.com & found a profile I liked. So I have been reading her blog & seeing what she eats, etc. Steel Cut Oats are part of her routine & I remembered that Costco has frozen steel cut oats that are really good. WRONG. They still taste great, but I ate one serving as a snack with peanut butter & passed out for 3 hours & woke up like a bloated whale. WTF? How is that possible within hours?!?!? Needless to say, I am not touching bread or anything with gluten in it ever again. Geeze! Really?!?!? I even got a mile in on my treadmill this evening because I feel like crap.

I am going to cruise on Atkins for a bit & then after Turkey Day do something radical. Stay tuned, will try to post over the next couple of days, but more than likely will start blogging again after the holidays. Till then - Cheers!!!

Day Fourteen

2011-11-19T18:45:00.002-06:00

Whoa...Had the most amazing night of my life on Thursday. Front row tickets to Sting & he smiled at me. Through a sea of faces in a crowd, his gaze fell on me & genuinely smiled at ME!!! So did the guitar player & now I officially feel like I am all that. Ok, not really, but I can't get that evening to leave my head & I almost don't want it to. I've been obsessed with Sting since I was in Jr. High & to be that close to him in proximity & have him smile at me has truly made a lifelong dream come true.

Ok, back to reality...Tomorrow I'll be starting week 3 of my new lifestyle journey. I am going to finish off any meats we have in the next couple of days & switch gears to vegan. I know, I've been all over the place, but the sad truth is that I've only lost 4 lbs in two weeks. I am a little disappointed & well, feel like my heart's been ripped out, but I am going to keep going. Today I had a pity party & didn't work out, but I am going to lift weights again & cardio tomorrow. Yeah, for now I am a sad panda. I just want to try & really find my groove. I have been stalking vegan blogs & veganbodybuilding.com.

Other worldly results aside from losing weight - my skin is still reacting very well to nothing processed in my body. Also, I don't feel all bloated - & my energy is finally evening out. Oh, the one thing I do want to say about the Atkins Induction Phase is that I am grateful it helped get me off sugar & breads. You see, I've been a bread monkey all of my life & it's one of the hardest things I've had to do. So I am grateful for that jump start. I now wish to fill my body with good for me things. I don't expect to be perfect in it, but I have to try. Failure to do so is not an option. Ok, I guess that's my rant for the day.

Day Twelve

2011-11-17T10:40:00.002-06:00

Today I have great energy! I don't know, I am just rolling with it. I can't put anything together to figure out this energy roller coaster. The good news is that I got in a decent workout today. Me STRONG! lol!

So workout was as follows with two sets of each:

Lat Pulldown
Chest Press (free weights)
Leg Curl
Leg Extension
Bicep Curl
Tricep kick back
Front & Rear delts

I also included a 5 minute abs video & 25 minutes on the treadmill to reach a mile. I am crossing my fingers tomorrow I'll have some good energy so I can do my fun day cardio day! Kickboxing, Boot Camp, Wii Dancing, etc.

Food wise I am doing ok. I really need to get a handle on my snacks. I may just get some Atkins Bars. Like one would be good to have right now post workout. That's it for now.

Tonight is Sting, so I probably won't update until tomorrow!!!

Ciao!

Asian

Day Eleven - Update

2011-11-16T18:27:00.002-06:00

I'm not going to lie. My ass got handed to me today. I don't know what the hell happened within the past 24 hours, but my energy went from 100% to lik 25%. I so did not work out & worked through a horrendous headache instead. I took a nap & am still battling eye strain. WTF?

So tonight we had a yummy dinner though. I thought I bought Rib Eye Steak, but I accidently bought Pork Rib Eye Steak & it was soooooooooooooooooo good! We broiled it & also steamed a head of cauliflower & dumped a ton of butter on it. Very tasty & filling. Ugh...I REALLY hope & pray tomorrow that I feel better. I mean I have to go see Sting!!! Will get to Sting no matter what...

Ok - that's it.

AJ

Day Eleven

2011-11-16T10:59:00.002-06:00

It's so hard not to weigh myself! I totally weighed myself this morning & I am down another pound. BUT, that is subject to change - As long as the scale is going down & the lbs are leaving for good, I am ok with that.

Today my energy is not like it was yesterday. Not sure why. The only thing I can think of is that I ate a hotdog on Sunday with the bun. I can't do that again. I got headaches, etc. all over again. Weird huh? My lymph node is still bothering me. I am hoping that my workouts will help with this as well as adding greens into my lunch & dinner. I am on a broccoli trip right now. I can have 2 cups cooked broccoli. Also, I have some fresh spinach I can cook into my eggs. I know, I am supposed to give up dairy! But, so far just eggs.

I think I am going to dip into a liver cleanse on Friday. Tomorrow night is Sting!!! Wit woo!!! But after that it's down to business again.

Anyway, I haven't worked out yet, but I plan on doing about a 20 minute boot camp & maybe 10 min of kick boxing.

Peace out!

Asian

Day Ten

2011-11-15T12:42:00.002-06:00

Ok...so this morning was just like every other morning. I woke up, and eased into my day. I usually get going around 7-7:30, but it just depends on the day. Anyway, last night my husband deep fried a whole chicken in our deep fryer (the one we use at thanksgiving that has to be outside). Can you say YUM?!?! I've been eating off that since last night. It was breakfast & lunch too.

So I did something I haven't done in a couple of weeks. Actually I did two things. The first one was to drink some coffee. I put whipping cream in there with some stevia. Can I get a second YUM?!?!?

The second thing I did was work out. Since I am not on a timeline, I just waited until I was done digesting breakfast & then hit the weights. I literally did the most basic of basic workouts any human being can do. I did two sets of the following:

Chest Press (free weights)
DB Row
Leg Extenstion
Hamstring Curl
Tricep push down
Bicep Curl
Front & lateral shoulder raises

I am lucky that I have all this equipment just sitting around since I used to be a personal trainer. I think I'll try my hand at a boot camp style workout tomorrow & kickboxing (we have a standing punching bag). For now, I plan on doing total body workouts 3 times a week. That may change as I get stronger, but for now I am trying to build a foundation.

The reason I drank coffee this morning was in hopes of getting my bm's moving. That seems to be the only drawback from this diet. Luckily, my friend Cheryl, is a low carb expert! She is my go to Atkins guru & she is giving me pointers & tips on things. The other great perk (pun intended) is that the coffee gave me tons of energy! I've never felt the effects like this before. Well, that's it for today. Stay Strong!

Asian

Day Nine - Update

2011-11-14T17:58:00.002-06:00

Ok, so I've been prodded from all over to stay on Atkins for at least the full two weeks. I think I am just crazy nervous because we are going to see Sting this Thursday & I really wanted to be extra pretty for this date. Even though I am not going to be anywhere near my goals, I kind of just want Thursday night to come & go so I don't have anything else to focus on. Ya know? Get through this & then keep on going.

So I guess Atkins for a while. Thanks for stepping onto the crazy ride that is my lifestyle change :) One thing I refuse to do this time is give up. I can say that cutting out sugar & breads, etc. has made a difference in bloat & my skin. Like Dory says in Finding Nemo - Just keep swimming!!!

Love to everyone.

Asian

Day Nine

2011-11-14T13:01:00.001-06:00

Did I mention I was going on the zig zag diet? Well color me silly, I actually have to go to the grocery store to accomplish this ;). I was in town this morning & was going to go to Whole Foods, but it was a zoo. So I headed to the 99 Ranch Mkt for my hubs. I got him some sushi & rice & picked up some hot sauce for me.

So I think I may stick to Atkins a couple more days. It's easy at this point. But I know more than anything I need greens in my body. I know I am lacking something. So off to the store I go.

Hugs!

Asian

The Zig Zag Diet

2011-11-13T07:18:00.002-06:00

Since I am kind of blog illiterate, I am just posting what I have on a word document. Very restrictive & monotonous, but it works! So here goes:

JNL’s Lean & Mean Rotation Food Plan
Also known as Zig Zag Food Plan
Low Carb/High Carb Rotation for One Month (21 Days)

Goal: To reach Ketosis: Most people experience a condition called ketosis when they suddenly go from a high-carbohydrate diet to a low-carbohydrate diet. This occurs when ketone molecules are circulating in the blood in a high amount than on the previous high-carbohydrate diet. Ketosis is a normal physiologic state caused by very normal and healthy body functions contrary to the myths, distortions and lies published by the vegetarians and other high-carbohydrate diet supporters. Ketosis allows the body to function efficiently and live off fat when necessary. We want to unlock our fat stores to properly burn them off! My Lean & Mean Food Plan will allow you to burn off your fat while keeping your muscle!

Food Plan A-1 Carb

Meal One
1 Protein
1 Complex Carb
1 Fibrous/Vegetable Carb

Meal Two
Shake

Meal Three
1 Protein
1 Fibrous/Vegetable Carb

Meal Four
Shake

Meal Five
1 Protein
1 Fibrous/Vegetable Carb

Meal Six
Shake

Food Plan B-No Carb

Meal One
1 Protein
1 Fibrous/Vegetable Carb

Meal Two
Shake

Meal Three
1 Protein
1 Fibrous/Vegetable Carb

Meal Four
Shake

Meal Five
1 Protein
1 Fibrous/Vegetable Carb

Meal Six
Shake

Food Plan C-2 Carb

Meal One
1 Protein
1 Complex Carb
1 Fibrous/Vegetable Carb

Meal Two
Shake

Meal Three
1 Protein
1 Complex Carb
1 Fibrous/Vegetable Carb

Meal Four
Shake

Meal Five
1 Protein
1 Fibrous/Vegetable Carb

Meal Six
Shake

Guidelines:

Sweet Potato trumps all other “complex carbs”
You can never get fat off of sweet potato! You may get full or “spill over” but never fat!
If you have to choose between eating brown rice and sweet potato go for sweet potato!

No: Corn, Carrots, or Peas!
Yes: Broccoli, Brussel Sprouts, tomatoes, spinach

Sweet Potato is equal to brown rice.

A food scale is ideal to use.
Portions:
Sweet Potato 8oz.

Rotation Split

DAY 1 PLAN A
DAY 2 PLAN A
DAY 3 PLAN A
DAY 4 PLAN B
DAY 5 PLAN B
DAY 6 PLAN C
DAY 7 PLAN C
DAY 8 PLAN B
DAY 9 PLAN B
DAY 10 PLAN B
DAY 11 PLAN B
DAY 12 PLAN A
DAY 13 PLAN A
DAY 14 PLAN C
DAY 15 PLAN B
DAY 16 PLAN B
DAY 17 PLAN B
DAY 18 PLAN B
DAY 19 PLAN B
DAY 20 PLAN C
DAY 21 PLAN C

Day Eight - Week Two

2011-11-13T07:06:00.003-06:00

So I woke up like a kid on Christmas because I couldn't wait to see how much I weigh. Here it is:

175.2

Uh, it's great that I have lost, but I was hoping for like an 8 lb loss! My scale is like The Biggest Loser scale, so when I first got on it, it said 174.6. Yippee! Then, it went up to 175.2. Ha! Fooled me :) I am grateful for the loss. I just need to ramp it up a bit.

I will stay on Atkins today & move into zig zag tomorrow. Peace!

Asian

Day Seven

2011-11-12T17:42:00.003-06:00

Still not weighing in, but I will weigh in tomorrow. I am going to move out of induction (Per Atkins you are supposed to stay here for two weeks, but I am moving on!). This week I will give up dairy & add in more veggies + complex carbs. I am going to embark upon a zig zag diet. I love/hate this diet. It's something figure competitors use to lean out so it's insanely healthy, but there is ZERO tolerance for variation. I've used this diet before to lose weight for my wedding & special occasions. My birthday is next month & I really want to make a dent in my physique & see how far I can push myself. Long story short, this diet works! I will see if I can post it on here. I have to dig it out of my diet archives.

So the withdrawal/detox symptoms are gone. No headaches - yay! I still got the stank, but once I get rid of the dairy & eat up more veggies I know it'll go away. My skin is clearing up & is smoother, but I have a looooooooooong way to go with my skin. I attribute that to my increase in water intake. The other TMI thing, is uhm, I haven't had really regular bm's. Yeah, I know gross, but I am wondering if it's the lack of veggies. That is my guess!

I don't really crave the breads & pastas, but I do get a mental thing about sugar. It just tastes so damn good :) Really my ultimate goal is to get into great shape again & then eat what I want in moderation. But we'll visit that when it happens.

My diet is still lacking veggies, but in the zig zag diet I'll be eating them twice a day. I plan on working out too. Nothing hard core, just basic weight lifting & cardio. I feel so weak!!! I want to be strong again. I'll post my workouts too.

HEY-GUESS WHAT?!?! I am actually doing it this time!!!! I am not looking back either. I am ready to go back to shopping for size six clothing & getting free drinks based on my looks ;) Believe it or not, that used to happen & believe it or not, it will again!!!!

Hugs & more Hugs!!!

Asian

Day Five

2011-11-10T09:57:00.000-06:00

Skipping weigh in until Sunday. Mother nature decided to visit.

Day Four

2011-11-09T10:03:00.003-06:00

Ok...here's the low down. Yesterday I got the 'induction flu. I was awfully weak & headaches & felt light headed. Yikes. Just add PMS on top of this & BAM - Crazy, irritable Beotch!!!!

Anyway, this morning I felt really good. I went on a walk with a friend this morning & by the time we were done I really had to pee. So the next sentence is TMI-so skip ahead if you don't want to know. My pee was the color of beer. Euw~! I know! But, my pee is never the color of beer, so I am thinking maybe it's the toxins I am releasing? My lower abdomen kind of aches too...Aside from that, my shoulders really ache today. Like I've been holding 10 pound weights in the air for hours. I am going to push through this though. If it kills me!

I was lucky enough to find out that my friend I was walking with does low carb & she said everything I am going through is normal - including the stinkiness! Thank you GOD! I was like, I can't handle this awful stench my body is outputting. I guess I need to drink tons more water.

Well, I am exhausted & going to rest my weary bones. I really need to get to the grocery store, but am having a hard time being able to move around right now. I hope I get through this phase quickly as I want to exercise!

Before I forget:
Today's Weight: 176 even

The moment I get out of the 170's I swear I am going to throw a party!!!!!!

Day Three

2011-11-08T07:43:00.003-06:00

Ok-good news! I am down 2 lbs! Yippee!!!

Starting Weight: 178.6
11/8/11: 176.4

So I had a monstrous headache yesterday. Like incapacitated. I haven't given up caffeine, so I am sure it's the sugar withdrawals. YikeS! But I have good energy in the mornings, so I am going to utilize that time to get things done. The only other drawback is that I smell like a cavewoman. Yuck-the body odor is horrible :( BUT, I am only doing this phase for two weeks, so 11 more days to go & then I can readjust my diet so I am not so stanky. Blech...

I am finally hopefull. I haven't cried so far this morning, so that's a good thing! Uhm...let's see. Oh, about the cavewoman smell, I think I am going to have to sweat it out. My lymph node is still swollen. I may do a liver cleanse after the induction phase. Anyway, hugs!!!

Asian

Day Two

2011-11-07T07:55:00.004-06:00

So as you all know, I've been battling this silly little weight thing & have tried time & again to find my stride. It's been an incredibly huge emotional roller coaster & it's really hard to explain the why. One of the things I've discovered about myself is that my body is very sensitive. There are a lot of things that I shouldn't eat that mostly everyone else can. I understand the gluten/wheat thing. From what I've read, it's not that great for you. Dairy, well I love dairy, but my body pretty much says No. As for the meat, poultry side of things, I can eat that if it doesn't taste anything like it! lol - I know...bizarre, but true. Like fish, blech...cannot tast like fish!

There are soooooooooooooooooooo many different 'things' out there as to what to follow. More than anything, I try to listen to my body & seek the guidance of my therapist. Like I have decided to loosely follow Atkins induction Phase to get me jump started. Now, I am excited about this because I know it's something I can follow. I started it yesterday & only cried once (I'll explain this later). I'm not sure what my body is trying to tell me, but my right side lymph node in my armpit is really swollen & tender to the touch. Usually this happens when I eat badly, so I am not sure if it's a detox thing or my body is rebelling against the high protein/fat it's intaking. The second thing going on, is that I woke up with a lot more energy. However, I gained weight :( Sigh...I must push through & see what I can do!

So yesterday I was hungry & wanted to make a taco shell-les salad. I pulled out my Organic lettuce & it was really nasty. Brown spots everywhere...Blech! So I turned to plan B & decided to make some hamburger patties. They totally tasted awful & all I could think of was complete & utter fail. How the hell can you mess up a HAMBURGER patty? Well apparently I have found a way ;) So I told my husband about this & then just started bawling. I mean - snot slinging & tears rolling down my cheeks. The whole breathing abnormally. It was such a disappointment to me. I think it had to do with wanting this low carb thing to work so badly. So, my husband sweetly calmed me down & made me laugh & all was well.

Fast forward to this morning, I decided to cook breakfast for my husband. I was making bacon & the damn oil jumped out of the pan & burned me. So needless to say, the tears started rolling down my cheeks. My husband couldn't help but laugh (not in a mean way). I am so melodramatic! I was like 'This shit's too hard!!! ' Sigh...but I finished cooking for both of us (well Alex finished the bacon ;) for no other than safety reasons). I drank a cup of tea & watched The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I am much calmer now & will not give up hope. I may cry every day I am on this induction journey, but at least I am following through.

I hope all is well with everyone & thanks for being supportive on this journey!!!

Asian

Second Post of the Day

2011-11-01T18:14:00.002-05:00

Damn, damn, damn! SO the chicken in a pot came out good, but I could taste the damn chicken as a chicken. Blech....So I ate it with sweet potato & onion to drown out the taste of the chicken. It looks like I may just have to become vegan. Sigh...The food journey/evolution continues...

Husband enjoyed it so I can separate our leftovers :)

Lots of Hugs!!!

Kale Chips

2011-11-01T15:24:00.002-05:00

So I tried my hand at kale chips yesterday. I took a recipe from one of Becky's Blogs http://mustfollowrecipes.blogspot.com/search/label/dairy%20free. I keep trying to link stuff on here, but my computer is not cooperating! Anyway, I wasn't quite sure what to expect because I've never eaten kale - I've only heard how it's really good for you. The first batch I baked for 15 minutes. At first I was like 'Uh, I think this is right?!?!' I thought they were too crisp so I cooked the second batch for 10 minutes. That was a HUGE difference in texture/taste. Turns out I liked my first batch better. The kale shrinks so much that they become paper thin & literally melt in your mouth. I dig it & will make this on a weekly basis. I figure I at least get some greens in somehow right?

Tonight I am making this recipe - Chicken & Potatoes in the oven. I pulled it from this Blog: http://gfcfblog.blogspot.com/. I am using sweet potato for me & regular potatoes for my husband. I am hoping I don't taste the chicken. For those of you who don't know - every time I eat a piece of an animal (red meat, chicken, turkey, etc.) it literally tastes like it was just killed & skinned, plucked whatever. I am one of the lucky few who has discovered that I am just a sensitive person when it comes to my body. Like for example, if I eat an apple, I taste the soil, the stem & whatever goes into growing an apple. I am coming to terms with all this & am hoping that in time by eating well & healthy that my taste buds will change for the better.

I kind of want to start a new blog about my GF/DF/SF journey. What do y'all think?!?!? I'll post later about my chicken dish.

Peace!

Asian

Much Better :D

2011-10-31T09:44:00.005-05:00

Ok, I just re-read my last post & WAAAAAAAAAH (what a baby I was....) But such is life & all things that go with it. I really appreciated Becky commenting :) I kind of logged off for a few days & realized that things do get better.

Now for anyone who knows me, please don't pass out when I say this. I am really starting to like cooking. Like I've said before...Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! For now, I am grilling & baking a lot of chicken. I don't like red meat so much, but I know how to pan cook chicken where it tastes really good. A little onion & eggplant & voila, a good nutritious meal.

So it does turn out that I am on a low carb diet. No wheat, dairy or sugar. Lots of veggies & lean meats. I still haven't ruled out fruit - I love fruit! But, it's almost November & I am not sure what fruit is in season. Making it to Whole Foods is journey as there are none close to where I live. Anyway, thanks again Becky http://boysrulemylife.blogspot.com/ for the encouraging words! You rock!!!

Love

Asian

Blech

2011-10-25T12:03:00.002-05:00

That's how I feel right now. I woke up feeling nauseous & it hasn't gone away. Blech...Yet, I still dragged my ass to the grocery store! Growing up SUCKS. I wish someone would have told me a long time ago that I will need a shit ton of money to live the way I want to - i.e. pay someone to do my shopping for me. I am totally miss cranky pants right now because I can be. What I mean by growing up sucking is I am responsible for my life. Blah, blah blah....

Sigh...It's like this shit is hard. I can only imagine people who have serious complications on top of that. So my therapist, as I stated in my last post, wants me to go gluten free. Well, she said 'No sugar & no wheat.' Simple enough right?!?! WrONG. Something is going on with me because I am still really sad & I think it has to do with the fact that I have to cook & shop for myself. You know, normal everyday things that most people do all the time without batting an eyelash. Sad truth is, I am not very fond of things called the grocery store. I sat in my car in tears because of the unkown that is this place with bountiful of foods that help you stay alive. Truly, it's a place of sheer terror for me because I have no fucking clue what I am doing there. I guess in laymen's terms, it's like my trying to do calculus when I was an English Lit major. ....

Ok, NO my life doesn't suck. Changing eating habits does. I know, I know...I am supposed to be positive about this shit, but it's hard. One day at a time...one day at a time. Tonight I am going to try some eggplant chicken dish. It's GF/DF/SF. Oh please cooking Gods, let this be a great dish.

Well, I hope everything is well in your world. I am going to go cry in a corner until I have to start this cooking thing again.

Asian

Gluten Free

2011-10-24T09:47:00.002-05:00

Ok...after talking to my therapist this weekend, she strongly urged that I go gluten free/sugar free. I am going to add dairy free to this as well. I've been on a fucked up roller coaster ride for the past 6 years & I am ready to get off. I am ready to put my feet back on the ground & walk around to see what else is going on at the carnival.

So instead of torturing myself about what to eat, I am just going to eliminate sugar & wheat & dairy from my diet. Should be interesting, but I need to cling to something & follow through. Before everyone faints & people turn over in their graves, I've actually started cooking. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...Don't tell ANYONE. Blech...Ok, not blech. Cooking isn't that bad & I actually follow recipes very well. Who knew?!?! There are some things I want/need:

A mixing bowl
Stainless Steel Cookware
An Apron

OMG-I am BACK in the 50's!!! But I can empathize with the ladies that came before us. I am BORED out of my mind staying at home. I don't mind not working, but I have way too much idle time. So naturally I have to gravitate to something that benefits me, my health & my husband. PLUS, we don't have a ton of disposable income, so I have to do things that are virtually cost free. So please, if you actually are reading this, wish me luck on my ventures!!!

Will keep you posted...

XXOO

Asian

Raw Foods

2011-10-19T15:42:00.003-05:00

Ok...so here we go again. I keep trying to learn to cook (I have actually been somewhat successful), but I keep getting this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I need to stay away from animal products. More than anything for these reasons: 1) I am lactose intolerant 2) Everytime I eat any animal meat, I literally taste the game & not the flavor. BLECH! It's like it just literally got plucked or butchered. More so than anything, I think it's a health thing too.

Here is where I get stuck. I am stepping into this with absolute uncertaintity if I am doing this correctly. Like, is this really the way I should be doing it? Are these detox symptoms or am I just not eating enough. Oh the flood (I am talking Noah's Ark flood) of questions that come through the pipe. I am not being lazy, just overly cautious. I do know this, whenever I eat fresh fruit, I feel alive. I don't feel tired. The hard part for me is veggies. Why the fuck are vegetables so hard to contend with!?!?

Sigh...This sadness thing is coming in waves now. I'll be okay & then BAM - I feel like I am in mourning. I Am going to get my head shrunk this weekend, so I'll post about how that goes.

On a good note, the weather here in TX has turned phenomenal!!! No a/c needed, just open windows :) Anyway, I guess I just have to put one foot in front of the other when it comes to food. Ok, well thanks for listening.

Asian

Hmph

2011-10-17T17:05:00.002-05:00

Ok...I think I may have figured out a bit of my sadness...I think it's my grandfather's birthday. I really miss him. My Jewish grandparents were a huge part of my life growing up. It's just so weird to not get that birthday card or phone call. I don't know. I think there is still a lot of anger I need to work through as well. A lot has to do with my husband I think. Don't get me wrong, he is sweet as pie & treats me like a princess, but that doesn't mean he doesn't make mistakes. It's hard to not remember those mistakes sometimes. No cheating involved, just a lot of WHY?!?!?!?!

Sadness

2011-10-16T21:18:00.002-05:00

I haven't written in months...Well, Yeah, Ok - I haven't really HAD anything to write about. Does anyone really care what I write anyway?! lol - I am truly just writing what I feel because typing is easier than writing these days.

So for some unknown reason, a huge wave of sorrow hit me today. It was about mid afternoon & for the life of me I can't figure out why. I don't have depression...I am thinking maybe it's a form of anger? It was such a huge hit, that I almost didn't go hang out with my family whom I absolutely love & adore. Could it be the death of old me? But why the fuck would I worry about her?!?!?!

I've been listening to music for the past two hours & I realize that my life has to revolve around music in some form. It truly makes the world go around. Ok, my point for bringing this up is it totally affects my mood!!!! Does that happen to you?! I have to admit, the music lover in me is incredibly bi-polar. Love all kinds (except country music - that is like scraping nails down a chalkboard for me). Ooooooooooooh...I think I am getting it. I need to stay unplugged. I just got back from vacation from Hawaii & didn't really have any ties to social media. That has to be it.

I've been reading books like they are going out of style. I forgot how much I love to read. Hmmm....I think this damn post is bi-polar. I am all over the place. But mostly I want to write about the sadness. I haven't felt this in eons. I don't have anything to be sad about unless it's something that is going to happen. Which could possibly be it. BUT with 80's music in the background how could I be sad?!?! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....Oh well...to be continued.

Peace!

Asian

Growing Up

2011-06-27T17:39:00.004-05:00

Does anyone in my age brackett feel like growing up is hard to do? I am 36 & still feel like I am 26. Well still feel like I am 26 in mind & spirit, not so much body. I had a great discussion with my friend Tex in the City this past Friday & we talked about what is going on in our lives. I always start with, "Well my life is really boring right now." Which in some parts are true. Don't get me wrong, I am having a blast with my husband and being a sort of semi-housewife, but for the most part I am very low key. You'll never hear about the time I got so drunk that....or you'll never hear about this fabulous gala I attended. I'm ok with that though. I am actually quitting my gym membership this week because I am trying to be true to my true self. I am a homebody at heart & would rather work out at home than go to the gym.

Anyway, I am asking about growing up. I once asked my dad what it felt like to be a grownup & he stated you never really do until your parents pass away. Well, for me that is NOT an option. I am secretly willing my parents to stay alive forever...That being said, and back to my conversation with Texlie, we talked about what is keeping us stuck. Or at least that was my end of the conversation :) I let her know that this struggle with weight is really hard for me. Most people have been overweight all their lives & then get in shape, but I am the opposite. I have been in great shape all of my life & then got fat :(. So to make a long story short, Texlie explained to me to something of the effect of surrendering to your higher self & not so much your higher power. And never give up! DING! OMG - that makes so much more sense. A long time ago, my therapist tried to get me to talk to my old self (i.e. where I am now) from my new self (where I want to be) & say to her what she thinks I should do. I didn't get that until Texlie said that. That statement alone has single handedly lifted a huge burden I had been carrying around on my shoulders for years. From that moment, I just ask myself - 'Truly, what would you as your higher self do?' My higher self would not be laying in bed sleeping half the day away!!! Or whatever. So essentially I feel it's about my growing up. I think at heart I will always & forever be free spirited & a kid, but that doesn't mean I won't be making decisions that better myself and lift my spiritual side up.

Health is an issue for me now & I have to say it's an uphill battle. I am made from a very different cloth & my body is sensitive to a lot of foods. I Had been staying away from meat for a month or so & I ate some last Sunday & I felt sluggish & yucky. I also had cheese too...Can I say something that is way too much TMI? Well I am going to anyway, I had the WORST body odor!!! It was embarassing. My body just couldn't process what I was putting into. So I started fresh this Monday & can I say that it's Motherfucking hard to get back in the saddle. There is no point in cheating myself because it only makes it that much harder to accomplish what my higher self keeps telling me to do. So, from here on out, mark my words, I will always adhere to what my higher self has to say :) I may not AGREE with her, but in the long run I know it'll be worth it.

I hope everyone is doing well. I am in transition yet again, but this time I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Peace & LOVE!

Asian

Why I love my husband

2011-01-10T09:34:00.001-06:00

A post from an instant message:

feel good baby, you should.. you're a wonderful person, a loving wife, a beautiful girl, and a bundle of possibilities

Happy New Year!!!!

2011-01-02T13:01:00.002-06:00

Howdy Peops! I hope everyone has rung in the new year safely & happily. You know, a lot of people have said that 2010 sucked for them, but personally I don't feel that way. Through the powers that be (therapy), I got out of my funk & finally had a personal break through. I have figured out (with therapy) that the underlying sadness that I am feeling is the letting go of parts of Old Me. That I have been in resistance to who I really am & it's uncomfortable gearing up for the New Me. That's ok though, I haven't met anyone who said that something worth doing doesn't take a bit of blood, sweat & tears.

Just in general, right now my husband & I are paying down debt at a rapid pace. Thank GOD we have been very fortunate in the last year financially. He has an amazing job & I, well, I have a job that helps me pay for therapy ;). It's not something I want to do forever, but the Universe made sure I stayed in this job & for a reason. I am beginning to realize that maybe this job is my ticket to real freedom. Freedom? Yes, freedom. Freedom to pay for the class I want to take this summer. Freedom to save $$$ to travel the world. Freedom to take the next class I want & fulfill a real dream!!! Yeah, the nerd in me still wants to go on archealogical digs. That may be in the form of a cool trip. I am hoping I actualy eventually get the letters PHD behind my name in the field of anthropology. Or, hell, if it comes down to an exotic trip far away, so be it (less paperwork)!!!

I have to say my 2011 thus far has not been so great. Not sure why, but my sinuses have attacked & I feel like my head is being crushed like a vice. It travels from the front of my head all the way down the back of my neck. Boo hoo. But I am ok just laying around sleeping it off.

I have to say that I have had some good food for my soul lately and I really need to love thyself. I know, it's all psychobabble, but when I am on top of my game so is everything else in my world. I need to get my power back & this is the time. How it's going to happen? That remains to be seen :) I hope you all stick around though for the ride because I promise it's going to be life changing!!!!

Well, that is all that is in my head right now. I do wish you all a very happy new year & that at least one dream comes true this year!!!

Peace & Love!!

Asian

Damn!

2010-12-13T19:59:00.002-06:00

My eyebrow lady broke up with me. So much for perfectly coiffed eyebrows. I wish that people living in the US would actually live by US customs...More on that later...

Transitional

2010-12-04T11:43:00.002-06:00

So I had this breakthrough of sorts & now am transitioning from floundering to finding my legs beneath me again. BUT, there is this underlying sadness that has surfaced & I am not sure why. It seems like sometimes when a negative enters in my life, it infiltrates to my core & I have a hard time releasing it, shedding it, getting rid of it. Unfortunately I believe this negative is tied to my husband which therein produces the conundrum of what the fuck do I do??

I mean is it wrong to wish all of my in-laws would fly over a cliff in a car together & that'd be the end of that? I can't let those dysfunctional toxic hosebeasts get to me, but sometimes I get like boiling mad about. It's efffed up because I truly don't care what they think. I don't care if my husband spends time with them, I mean I don't have to. BUT, I hate it when he spends $$ on them. They don't deserve it. His mother plays the oh woes me victim, but if you so hard up for cash, then why did you just buy a whole new room of living room furniture?!?!? So it's ok for my husband to spend $40 on a dinner with his mom, but we never do? What is wrong with this Picture? It's not a jealousy thing. It's a 'DAMN-These trifling Ho's DO NOT deserve one red cent spent on their loser bitch asses' thing.

Anyway, that's old news right? So my last post, I posted about my body not defining me. Which for me is huge. Now that I have that perspective, I truly feel like I have been renewed, but with what purpose? I don't feel lost, I feel uncomfortable. I think transition is uncomfortable. At least for me, because I know this transition is huge. I guess I just need to ask myself, what do I truly want? I want knowledge. I don't like the real world & I have decided that if I can stay out of it for as long as I can then I will. I want to be back in school, I want to expand my horizons that have been so small for so long. My immediate goal is to not cry while I am posting - lol! But also I want to try to be in the moment. The thing is, the moments are kind of dull & boring. Stupid brain, just won't turn off.

Well, writing it out has helped me get past today's sadness. I may be back later tonight. Either way, I hope you all are finding your way around your life journey. Peace & Blessings!

Asian

2010-12-01T18:33:00.002-06:00

It's the moments I forget I am fat that I am the happiest.

If I don't define myself by my body, then what do I define myself by?

I am slightly miserable this post.

Do you ever feel like you are living in the wrong era?

2010-11-26T19:47:00.002-06:00

Seriously, do you ever feel like you are living in a time when it's just not so sweet? I feel like that sometimes. I wish I wasn't here on earth at this time - maybe more like the Victorian era or something. I want to go back in time & live a more peaceful life. These days I feel like everyone is losing touch with what keeps basic human decency...well decent. I feel like our own country really is so politically corrected to death & it creeps me out how some people or even groups of people are so dogmatic about being just like them. I personally have been condemned to hell several times by Christians. Then I am like, that's not very Christian like. Would Jesus really want you to judge like that & wish ill will on other people? I think all religions are beautiful & I think that every one has a right to express the way they worship & how they choose not to worship. Fine by me :) Do what works for you, just don't push it on others.

Today we buried a dear old cousin of mine. His name was Ray. Raymond Kauffman & he was my Jewish Grandfather's first cousin. I have nothing but warm & fond memories of cousin Ray & I know I will miss him dearly. Since I was a little girl, my grand parents would throw Chanukkah parties & have Passover at their house. & Every year cousin Ray & my other cousins would gather at my grandparent's house & celebrate together. I feel like it's the end of an era. All that were of my grandfather's era are now deceased except one. We all stem from the Hannah Rachel Markewich family & I just feel a deep sadness that it's all going away. It's weird because I have never been religious, but today at cousin Ray's funeral, he was remembered & remembered so fondly. This is going to sound selfish, but I want to be remembered fondly. It made me want to start going to Temple again. I am moved to tears as I sit here & type because all it made me think is how I am just wasting time & things that truly are to be kept alive are slowly dying out as we advance in this world. I am at a job just to make extra cash, but I am not truly living how I want to. Literally a month ago to this day, we were all in Miami celebrating my little cousin's wedding & Ray was there alive & kicking it. He overcame having polio & is a very well respected member of the medical community. It truly is a matter of 'in an instant life can change'.

I tend to romanticize things, but I don't care. That's me & that's how I am. It's what I do & sometimes, just sometimes, life is actually like that. I have a new perspective on life & I hope that I am strong enough & passionate enough to follow it. I sit here & wish everyone well & hope you all had an amazing holiday with family & friends!

Reverse Racism

2010-11-17T18:24:00.002-06:00

For those of you who know me, you know I am not racist. My best friend is Mexican & one of my favorite people in the world (Tex) is Honduran & beautiful!!!!! My friend Melissa is married to an African American & they have the cutest little boy!!! Hell, even I am half Chinese. With that being said, I have had my first real taste of reverse racism & the thing that chaps my ass is this guy is getting away with it.

It was an incident at the gym & I talked to a manager & he hemmed & hawed because 'he wasn't there.' I told him that, I don't make things up & this guy was being completely blatant. So he asks the guy if anything happened & of course he said no. The thing is, I didn't do anything. I always treat people how I would like to be treated & I never see color. People are people. So the gym will no longer be getting my money & this guy is going to get away with treating people in a biggoted manner. Good for you guys! So our country is so politically correct that you can't correct someone that deserves it!??!? Ugh...I have suffered prejudice before because of religion, but never race. So I guess I am full circle. On top of that, he was just a BULLY. I can't wait until he does something he really can't take back & then 'Uh oh...the widdle gym is going to be in trouble.'

Anyway, this post is not all rainbows & ponies. Sorry y'all, just horribly offended & think that I am going to file a formal complaint. I hope you all are seeing the love & light right now because I sure as hell am not.

Asian

Dream, Dream, Dream..Dreeeeeaaaaam

2010-11-06T19:34:00.003-05:00

So if you had a reset button on life & could push it at any time, would you? Are you satisfied with what you have offered this lifetime or vice versa? My therapist said this is a time to push the reset button. I agree, but I am trying to push it with a plan.

Have you followed a lifelong dream & made it a reality? I am curious because I didn't really have a lifelong dream that evolved into a career. Mine are the basics like traveling the world, seeing exotic things & places, living somewhere other than Texas (all of which I have yet to do). I did follow a passion for fitness for a while, but I found that things in life are a lot harder than what my own reality was. So I faltered & fell out of step. I gained a whopping 50 pounds & on this tiny body frame it hurts & is uncomfortable. One conclusion I came to is that I have to do. Just like Nike says to - Just do it! The cool thing is, I have finally turned a corner where I am ok with how i look (well sort of) & knowing that I am working towards a better version of me.

My point is, that I think once my health & well being get somewhat centered, then my true passion will fall into place & I will be doing something I truly love. Right now, I am day dreaming of going back to school & studying anthropology. I am fascinated with archeaology & how we evolved & what happened where & what era. I want to go on a dig & find a new dinosaur or uncover a lost world. I think it will happen, but in stages.

I hope that life has given you what you have wished for & I hope you have given it back. I plan on it! Don't ever stop dreaming & believe in yourself. For whatever is your higher power, I believe he or she shines through you & your being. Just remember, that the only way for it to happen is to do.

Peace out!!!

Asian

Not yesterday, Not tomorrow, but Presently

2010-11-03T17:27:00.004-05:00

I wonder what the title of this post is going to be. Not sure, I guess we'll see by the end of this post. So I have come a long way from hating my in-laws to being indifferent. I had a great talk with my mom & she said, 'You know, she's not your mother - I am. So just remember when she's acting like she does, that she is NOT your family. Who cares what she does?' So from talk with mom & months of therapy, she's right. Who gives a fuck what those dysfunctional retards do? No sweat off my back. What a freeing moment in my life.

Let's see...I am still working part time & I am making peace with working. My husband & I have come to the conclusion that if I feel well, then work won't really suck. Speaking of, I have hired a trainer & nutritionist. I am excited more about the nutrition than anything. I like my nutritionist, she is all about lifestyle. LIFESTYLE, not lifestyle changes. If you eat out 10 times a week, she caters to that. Of course I am nutrition illiterate & so the session I had last week will have to be repeated tomorrow. Not to mention I had been traveling a lot last month & got full on sick & took a while to recover. So paying attention to anything really went out the window. Now it's all about health. Health, health & health. Interestingly enough, I took this basal metabolic rate test & my shizz is LOW. Like my nutritionist has put me on a 1300 calories a day diet. Whoa. But I am ok with that because even though I am coming into my own, I am still incredibly embarrassed being a fat ass. From what my research has told me, Nutrition alone will help drop the lbs.

My hubby & I are doing well. No complaints & yes, he still spoils the hell out of me. I'm ok with that. Why not?!?!? I have unplugged from Face Book & am taking little steps to remove myself from outside influences. It really is about me & trying to be present. I have been branding myself though - purses & now I have added Gucci sunglasses to my repertoire. I know, I know, I have issues.

Anyway, I hope everyone is well & trying to be present in the moment. I am hoping to blog some more!!! Peace out!!

Asian

A month?!

2010-10-14T22:11:00.002-05:00

Wow, it's been a whole month since I have blogged. Not a whole lot going on. Went on vacay, just got back a few days ago. Vegas was a blast, but I got sick when we went to the mountains. Total bummer!

But I do have to say I had a really good talk with my therapist yesterday & she told me that I needed to basically get back in touch with my creativity. What a lovely thought :) I haven't done any creative writing in a long time. I look forward to this assignment. She told me I need to get a book called The Artist's Way. I will pick up a copy this weekend probably.

Oh, I did go to a medical spa. I got a prescribed appetite suppressant. I don't really like it so I think I might try something radical. What's new with that right!? I think I might try eating just veggies & fruit with some protein. I am not craving meat at all right now & I was told that I am pretty acidic as it is & meat doesn't help that. We'll see.

I did do something a little indulgent while in Vegas. I got myself a sweet Louis Vuitton Purse & LV wallet. Nom Nom!!! It's my motivator. So when I was at the med spa, the dr. asked me why I got a Louis Vuitton? She said it's because it's good quality right? Well, I want you to put LV foods in your body 80% of the time. I liked that a lot. She's right. I know what to do, I just have to do. My therapist also said that 90% of why I haven't lost weight is in my head. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? For real!?!? Nah, I'm cool with that because she is right. I am ready & willing & able to take control & kick some ass.

Anyway, I hope everyone is well & hugs!!!

Asian

Day 1

2010-09-16T08:39:00.003-05:00

Took a CRT class & I could barely make it through, however, I am going to persevere. Fuck you FAT!!! It was funny though because you have to use a step & every time we did things where we popped our heels on the step I could feel everything from the waist down jiggle. So my goal is to have no more jiggle! I joined a gym last night & this time is for real bitches. About to eat some oatmeal & yogurt with some hot tea. I am so pissed off right now that this event that happened yesterday is fueling my drive. More on that later maybe.

Peace out!

Asian

Something very terrible happened on my way to work

2010-09-13T09:26:00.002-05:00

I ran over my kitten :( My heart feels as heavy as a cement block. She had snuck into my garage as I was leaving for work & I had no clue she was there. It happened fast-as a matter of fact so fast that it took me a few minutes to realize what had happened. I feel awful for several reasons. One, I took this little creature's life (I know, it was an accident). Two, I took this little kitty from my husband who if you all don't know by now has the kindest heart & deepest soul. Three, I just feel awful that it happened. My head hurts & my heart aches. The vision of the poor thing as it was dying was so completely utterly shocking & awful :(

Folks, the only thing I can say is that that little kitty literally lived every little moment of her life to the fullest up until the end. I am sure she was being naughty & hiding because she knew she wasn't supposed to be in the garage in the first place. Her message to me was to live life to the fullest. She of all my animals is the only one who was always 'on'. I think may be time to turn my switch back to on, but for now I am going to allow myself to be sad & grieve.

With a heavy heart,

Asian

PS-I didn't make it into work...

Dear Body,

2010-09-12T15:49:00.003-05:00

Please stop acting like an 85 year old. WTF? WEIGHT GAIN SUCKS. It just does. Not in the oh I can't wear cute clothes anymore, but the OMG I am so damn uncomfortable. My low back hurts, when I get out of bed & stand up, my ankles hurt. Sigh...Ladies, don't ever let yourself go! It's not worth it. No matter what is going on, take care of yourself!!!!

I have to openly admit that I am embarassed as hell about my appearance. There, I outted myself. I am supposed to be working on self love, but I am so bent out of shape about being out of shape I am not taking the time to do that. I am also realizing that I really still don't like working in a cubicle. Truly, that shit is for the birds. Caged birds. Can you tell I am cranky?!?!? I told my therapist that I am missing the grateful gene & she told me start realizing that I am taking steps to my success & also to enjoy the journey. Double sigh...

Plus it's so mother f%@%!*# hot here. WE NEVER GET A BREAK FROM THE HOT HUMID HEAT. Every day I step outside, it's like walking into an oven. I go on vacation in 3 weeks & cannot wait. We will be in cool Colorado (with a little stop in Vegas). I can't wait!!! I am going to pretend I am a billionaire & just live it up. Well, live it up in Vegas & then relax in Colorado.

Well my friends, I truly hope you all are doing well!!!

XXOO

Asian

AWOL

2010-09-04T21:31:00.002-05:00

Sorry it's been like a million years since I've posted. I have been AWOL. Well quite honestly there hasn't been anything siginificant to post about. My life is kind of, well...boring. Except maybe that I haven't had caffeine & sugar for almost a week. I have come upon the conclusion that if I cam conquer this, then I can conquer anything!!!

I am currently watching Big Love & have decided that monogamy is definitely for me! YIKES. But, it is also indicative of the fact that I just got HBO & Skinemax & am addicted to catching up on all the movies I haven't been able to see. I forgot how awesomesauce HBO is. SO MANY MOVIES. I love movie watching. It's truly one of my greatest pleasures.

See?!?!? Nothing too interesting. I did go part time at my job after I tried to quit twice so that's good. Building a nest egg I call it. Oh & we get to go on vacation starting Oct. 1. I haven't been on a vacation in eons!! First stop, Vegas. Second stop the mountains...Ahhhhh...

I Hope everyone is doing well & peace & love peops!

Asian

getting older sux

2010-08-03T18:31:00.002-05:00

so i have decided i want to fight mother nature. i don't want to give her a black eye or anything, but i do want to defy her. my body aches. my back hurts, i have eye strain. my work is killing me softly i think. i've tried to adjust to working in a cubicle, but my body won't let me. the job itself is ok, it's the working environment that has my number. now, i am bummed about this for a couple of reasons. the first reason is i just wanted a job i could go to, make some cash & leave. instead, when i go to job, i get horrible back aches & even more horrible eye strain. secondly, i think i am going to have to quit & i really hate that. however, the one thing i am sure of in this lifetime is that i don't have to prove anything to anyone, so to hell with a job that makes me feel like i am a feeble 95 year old.

with that being said, i think once i am out of there i plan on falling off the radar for a while. i really need to jump at the chance to work on me. and i don't mean to get into bikini model shape to start traiing again, but the i just want to be healthy time. it's the least i can do for myself!

hopefully, when i post again, i will have released myself from prison & am on my way to a fresh beginning. for those who are wondering, i am in a great place emotionally & mentally! just need the physical to catch up.

love to you all!!!

asian

not sweet

2010-07-18T18:46:00.002-05:00

So the blogging gods are upset with me or something. I wrote this really long meaningful post & then my keyboard did something & deleted half of it. Bahhumbug!

So I will post later....kisses everyone!

Going Awaccupuncture Party

2010-07-01T21:59:00.002-05:00

So my dad told me the other day that the definition of happiness is something to look forward to. I thought that was really cool. It's been a really long time I feel that I've had something to look forward to. I mean something I honestly really looked forward to. The one thing I have been struggling with for quite some time is losing weight & really just getting healthy. I tend to overwhelm myself with too much information & am ready to throw in the towel before I even begin.

Something happened yesterday that I think might have changed my life. You know, a few sessions ago, my therapist said I need to embrace my Asian heritage-specifically Chinese. Well, maybe because I am Chinese :). So I tried accupuncture for the first time yesterday & the results have been faneffingtastic. Remember me complaining about headaches? It turns out that I have had really bad sinus infection & that is why my eyes have felt like they were going to pop out of my head. I go into the session not having ANY idea what to expect. I was a bit nervous due to the fact I knew I would have these needles sticking out of my body & that I would look like the guy from Hellraiser. Anyway, my accupuncturist was really cool & very funny & helped me be relaxed. He doesn't just throw you down on the table & start puncturing you with needles. He does an assesment & this is what intrigued me the most....It's kind of hard to explain, but bear with me. I am sitting in a chair & he puts a round pillow on my lap with my wrists resting on the pillow. He picks up my right wrist & squeezes it. Just from doing that, he says 'Your immune system is weakened right now and your metabolism is really off.' He then takes my pulse & says it's a bit high. So then he squeezes my left wrist & says 'Do your knees hurt? I see some arthritis.' I respond, actually yes. I have had achey knees for the past week or so. He says a few other things & then starts looking at my left ear. 'I sense that your stomach is really worn out. It's really cold. Don't eat anything out of the fridge anymore.' 'Also, are you stressed out?' The last time I had my adrenal glands checked, I had high cortisol levels. Ok....So then he looks at my right ear & asks me 'Does your low back hurt? I sense some sciatica.' By now I am like OMG-this IS Ancient Chinese Secret. Because my back started hurting last Sunday. Then he rattled off a few more things.

Next he had me lay down on the table & let me know what he was going to do & then he started with my legs. So he pins both my legs & proceeds to put the needles in my right hand. So far so good. THEN he put a needle in my right ear. Holy shitballs-it was so painful! I was like 'Uh, this one hurts. Like a LOT!' He said, that is the point for stress. Bingo, I started to catch on that whatever needs to be fixed is going to hurt a lot at first. So he puts one in my other ear (no big deal) & then he started to needle my left hand. The first two were like buttah, but then the third one kicked my ass! So I asked what pressure point that was & he said that's the pressure behind your eyes. AHA! That was the whole reason I wanted to try accupuncture-to relieve the pressure behing my eyes. Anyway, he told me he would come back to check on me in 10 minutes. He left & I laid there & all these weird sensastions started happening. My legs felt like they weighed 1000 pounds each & I couldn't really feel my feet. My head started throbbing exactly where it had been for two months. When he popped in at 10 minutes, he asked how I felt. By then for some reason my left leg was hurting a bit (one of the pressure points) & my left hand still felt a bit weird. He left again & came back again in 10 minutes. At this point I felt like I had icey-hot on my arms & legs. When he took out the needles my hands started itching like crazy!!! He was like 'this is good!!! it means your circulation is really working.' He asked me if I had relaxed at all while on the table & I let him know I hadn't. He told me not to worry about it, I'll start to relax & if not I'll have good night's sleep.

On the drive home I started to get really, really sleepy. When I got home, all I wanted to do was lie down. I was a bit woozy...BUT, I had the best night's sleep I've had in a Looooooooooooooooooooong time. Not to mention that I have had a great energy day. Slight headache today, but drinking water helped that. I got home, cleaned my kitchen, etc. My point is, that I feel better without having to take any antibiotics. YAY!!! I think I am on to something & I really do Think It's an Ancient Chinese Secret. I wish I would have done this years ago. OH! Most of all, he told me my hormones are out of whack, but he can help me get right & start to lose weight :) I truly feel hopeful for the first time in a long time. I am envisioning my true health & well being & it's fanfuckingtastic! (Sorry, I had to let that one out!)

I am having a going away party for the bad foods in my life. One of the things I was also made aware of is lay off the sugar & carbs. So this weekend is a farewell to crap & a hello to nutrition. Now how I am going to accomplish this is a different post! I had to add accupuncture to my title so that is how it came about. I am one tired beotch & need to catch some winks.

Love to you all!!!

Asian

Up

2010-06-09T12:39:00.002-05:00

Have you ever seen the movie Up? It's one of the most beautifully written movies & it's completely animated. I cry every time I watch it. This movie is truly about love & how deep & far it can go. It covers many facets of love & most of all it covers what it's like to be in love. What a person is willing to do with love & how cherished memories can take you a long way through life...After watching this movie again, I am wondering if I am actually living life or just walking through it? It feels like walking through it & I think that's about half the reason I cry when I watch it. When you watch Up you can see the old couple just lived. They didn't need much & they just loved & laughed & lived.

Ellie had the biggest imagination & sometimes I feel just like her! I am always day dreaming and when I daydream, I daydream BIG! I wonder if that's why I get disappointed sometimes? I mean I think I am generally happy, but I think I need more adventure in my life. I am slowly making that happen, but I am very instant gratification. Kind of like when I eat celery & think that I will be 20 pounds skinnier the next day. The exact reason I don't want kids, I have NO Patience!!! I think that's also why I daydream about being an archaeologist. But as my therapist says, you actually have to do. lol! Damn...this started off as an inspired post & now I have lost my train of thought. Oh well, I hope everyone is living their life to the fullest & following your daydreams & loving every moment of it!

Asian

Indian Dream

2010-06-02T20:08:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I don't know the technical term, but you know how in the movies when you see an Indian tribe and the young warrior is approached by the shaman (ok, now I really don't know if I am crossreferencing between ethnicities, but bear with me) and the shaman does a dance & chants & smoke is flairing up from the fire & then all of a sudden he stops & says 'It's time.' Then the young warrior puts on his war paint, gathers his things & then heads off on a journey? (Kind of like walkabout). I had one of those dreams last night. It was a very short dream, but yet so powerful. Before I tell you what my dream was, I have to tell you that I had a really good session with my therapist. Annette truly is helping me change my life! But what we did was figure out a bunch of things (too m any to list) & we did a LOT of EFT. So I started to feel woozy (this is when I know it is starting to work) kind of like I was drunk & felt like slurring my words. My body was releasing at a cellular level. Happy Head person said take a nap & when you wake up go to the grocery store & buy a rotissiere chicken & sugar free jello.

I didn't really fall asleep, but I did drag my ass to the grocery store. It wasn't bad at all. I usually hate that place & dread it, but it wasn't that bad at all. I even picked up some extra food for me to eat when I am at home. Anyway, so I went to bed later that evening & here is my dream: 'I opened up my dryer & my shower shoes for the gym were sparkly & shiny. My husband's work shoes were in there too & when I pulled them out they were worn, dull & gray.' In my dream, I looked at my shoes & said to myself, 'It's time.' Before you commit me to the looney bin, let me explain. For about the past 3 weeks I have been bogged down with horrible headaches. I mean knock you out they were there day & night I was miserable & would rather have eaten mud pies. So of course I never made it to the gym because I thought for sure I was dying. This weekend my headaches finally went away, but my will to get up & at it kind of had just gotten up & left (of course until I had spoken to happy head person). I had been hemming & hawing about working out during lunch & then having to shower, but when I saw my shower shoes all sparkly & new & ready to be used I knew it was time to get off my ass & do something.

I woke up this morning & felt 10 pounds lighter. I packed up all my stuff for my gym locker & went to work. Work was HELL! But I made it through ok & it was because my energy had shifted. I also got weighed in for a Pound for Pound challenge at work. Oh, I forgot to mention that my gym is literally across a breezeway from my office. So I will totally have time to workout. Uhm, yeah so I dropped all my stuff off & then went back to work & did not work out. BUT, I did get my stuff to my locker & that's a start. Tomorrow, it's me & the gym!

So I think I'll go to bed early tonight. Just feeling that...

PEACE OUT!

Asian

When in doubt, Blog...

2010-05-30T22:51:00.002-05:00

So I can't sleep right now. It's about 10 til 11 pm & I should be asleep. I actually have to work in the morning while everyone else is sleeping in & getting ready for bar-b-ques & laying by the pool. I am ok with working, just that all of a sudden I have become overwhelmed with this feeling of sadness. I am not sure why. Things are in good order. I mean, I let my hair air dry today & I look like Justin Beiber, but other than that I think things are good.

I have my t.v. on a sleep timer because when my husband is away I can't sleep. I am not sure if I ever blogged about this, but I have sleep paralysis. It FREAKS me out & I never know when I am going to get it. The last time I remember (not sure of the time frame) is I thought I was screaming, but only a whimper was coming out. My husband started stroking my hair because he happened to be awake while I was whimpering. Thank God for that! It started in college & rears its freaky head ever so often, but I don't know what triggers it. & yes, I do have the hallucinations. Maybe I should take a sleeping pill...

Right now my blind fat cat Patches is sleeping with me keeping me company along with my Glock 40 snubnose :)

My headaches have subsided, but I am leary of what is going to happen once I get to work.

You know, something dawned on me today. This whole anxiety with food & the extra weight & the self loathing is all due to me. What I mean by that is that if I actually get going & get started, the quicker I'll be closer to what I want. So why (as my friend Tex would say) in the Ricky Bell Hell am I wating around?!!? Baby steps as far as I am concerned. I know that wasn't some ahhhhhhhhhhhhh moment, but it's true. No one else can make me feel bad except myself.

Well, I guess that's it. Short post, but it's helping me get sleepy. Nighty nite y'all.

xxoo

Asian

Holy Headache Batman

2010-05-28T19:14:00.003-05:00

Ok so like my soul is willing & ready to do right by my body, but my body just won't catch up. I have been suffering horribly from headaches. I mean the kind where it feels like there are two eye sized plungers plunging my eyes out of my head. So much pain. I have failed miserably at work because I can't concentrate & well the people in Canada are just assholes *wil blog more on that in another post. Stupid America's hat hating on me.

I am bummed because my husband is out of town & I have all this free time wasted to the crippling effects of stupid headaches. 3 weeks in counting...

But I am doing a cleanse tomorrow (it's only 12 hours - WOOHOO!!!) Happy head person said I need to get rid of yeast in my body & drink my water. I have been so bad about everything. I am not down on myself, just being honest. Something kind of wicked cool my trainer did...She must have been really concerned about my headaches & manipulated my scapula & shoulder & popped the head of my humerus bone back into the socket. When I woke up this morning it was like I was just 4 weeks out of surgery & back in physical therapy. All day today my shoulder was tired...Very strange sensation.

Anyway, I am sorry things aren't so exciting right now. I hope everyone is having fun & enjoying life!!!

Hugs!!

Asian

It's a blog affair

2010-05-19T17:01:00.002-05:00

So does anyone remember that song by Madonna called Keep it Together? I don't know why that song keeps popping up in my head, but it's all about life being a family affair & keeping it together - meaning, no matter what happens in life you got to keep the family together!!! Which poses an interesting insight to me.

What is family to you? For some people, it's the people who biologically created you & raised you along with any siblings you may have. Or it may be the people you surround yourself with every day & not necessarily a blood relative. Point in case -I absolutely love & adore my family, but I absolutely love my true friends & they might as well be my family because I'd do anything for them.

I really think that if my husband had a choice, he wouldn't claim his family at all (trust me, we've talked about this). But I really don't know what I'd do without my friend Tex. The reason I bring her up is that she makes me appreciate the fact that I have her in my life. Not in the she calls me up & tells me to appreciate her kind of way, but in the & I quote 'Hey, are you ever going to blog again? I know you have stuff going on in your life!' I love & appreciate her & the question because it makes me feel like I am important to more than one person other than my calico cats. Plus I just treasure our friendship.

Also, my friend Melissa will email me or call me & let me know she read my blog. Insert HUGE HAPPY FACE. She cares enough to stay in contact & I can say for sure that Melissa is one cool cat that I would love to have in my life for a very long time. I blog to release & I am finally enjoying it. Granted I have been working full time & don't really get to get on here as much. It's like I am having a blog affair! You know? Or does it seem like I am just rambling?

Ok, ok what I mean is it's like Madonna says, it's a family affair. But in this case it's a blog affair! I love it!!!! I am keeping it together because I know outside my blood relatives I have amy blog/true friends family.

So other things...Husband is leaving for Africa (yes I said Africa) next week. He'll be traveling to the Congo (but then jumping on an oil rig), the Canary Islands (wtf? yes, i am jealous about this one) & then Cairo (as in Egypt). Holy Crazy Travels Batman! That's ok, with my mad play money that I am making, I plan on catching up to him.

Work is awesome. I love it! I've had stupid sinus infections for the past 1.5 weeks, but finally broke down & got some good drugs to alleviate that. Still working out with a trainer but failing miserably with my food! That's ok, my happy head person is steering in the right direction. I think that's about it my Loves! I hope all is well with everyone!!!

XXOO

Asian

For Shizzle

2010-05-04T22:08:00.002-05:00

I just like saying that! Thank you Snoop Dog!!! So my life finally has structure..well sort of. I get up every morning at 5:30 am, get ready for work, go to work, workout ever so often & then come home. Rinse & repeat.

The difference is this, I enjoy it :) Yay! I really enjoy being part of something & making my OWN money. It's empowering. The only thing I am workin on is getting my outside to match my inside. This time around I am actually doing what I say. Tee hee...Ok, the food is still a struggle, but I have been meeting with my trainer twice a week & just joined a gym. OMG. The gym I joined, these old bitties are BITCHES. Like they own the damn gym. I am like, really? Bitch, I just have push on your collar bone & it will crack. Then I laugh because it's SO absurd.

Anyway, I have a goal finally for my weight release. June 12th. A bunch of my old high school friends are getting together & having a Mumu party. Ha! yeah, so my trainer told me I have to kick it up to 5-6 days a week to put a dent in my goals. Wish me luck!

I would write more, but I am so effen tired. I have to get up early. Ok, Love to you all!!!

Asian

Long time no Blog

2010-04-24T23:40:00.003-05:00

Well, I got through my month of training at my new job. It's fun & it's nice to make some mad cash! I can finally begin to live the lifestyle I want & be happy about it. I get to finally workout & work towards my rockin' body.

Not too much really going on here. Our poor dog isn't doing well & my husband is a mess :( Shadow's hips have gone out & she can't even walk now. I have a feeling we are going to have to put her to sleep. I don't think I can find it in my heart to get any more pets. It's ok knowing that they will someday leave us, but it's the suffering that sucks. I wish all animals could just peacefully go to sleep and then just never wake up. So I'll keep ya posted about that.

I have had a very interesting visit with my therapist. She helped me figure out food, but I don't want to divulge too much until I get going. So I will definitely post more about that later.

Let's see, we got a king sized bed finally. YAHOO on that!!!

Anyway, peace, love & happiness Peops! I have a headache so I am going to try & sleep it off.

Happy Passover & Easter

2010-04-04T09:49:00.002-05:00

Yesterday my brother came over with his kids & we baked Grandma Cecil's oatmeal cookies. There was one ingredient I couldn't read so we left it out. It turned out it was baking soda which explains why all of my grandmother's cookies were so flat. It tickled me pink to realize this. I loved my Jewish grandmother dearly & have many fond memories of celebrating our heritage with her & my Paw Paw. I do also remember her not being able to cook to save her life, but she was precious all the same!

My niece spent the night last night & we 'slumber partied'. According to her it meant staying up past 10:00. lol! Today the Easter Bunny left her some goodies & I also remember as a child celebrating the fun part of Easter. Hunting for Easter eggs!!! So she is all dressed up in her Easter dress waiting for her momma to pick her up so she can go do the same.

The holidays bring back only happy memories. I have to attribute this to my parents always being so laid back & cool & my grandparents bringing the only sense of heritage I had to light. I miss my grandparents dearly & maybe some day I can fulfill the role they played in my life. I hope all the youngsters get instilled in them the importance of grandparents & where they come from.

Peace & Love to everyone!!!

The Serenity Prayer

2010-03-23T19:39:00.002-05:00

You know, my happy head person introduced me to this prayer. I am not a religious person, but I do believe myself to be incredibly spiritual. I want to post this as it's a reminder of how life works. Once you can let go of the things you can't control, you free yourself.

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

My husband came back today & he seems changed to me. Not in a bad way, but in a really good way. I can feel the energy shift in him. It's kinda cool...Well, I hope you all are enjoying your lives & living like you want to. You deserve it.

Peace out!

Asian

Lack of Mojo

2010-03-21T18:33:00.002-05:00

So I am discovering where my lack of mojo is coming from, but I am not ready to fully discuss it yet. I am still in a state of denial & refuse to look it in the face. So I thought I'd just post to post. That way when you look at my blog you don't just see Pissed off & bitter.

Pissed off & Bitter

2010-03-18T10:43:00.003-05:00

Damn...I had this great emotional release a couple of weeks ago & now I am just one pissed off & bitter woman. I can't even begin to explain all the bad shit that is happening to me. I mean, what the fuck did I do that the Universe is pissed at me? I don't brag, I'm modest & I try to treat others as I'd like to be treated but it doesn't seem to matter.

You know, I've been in therapy for a while & I have to say I wish I'd done this years ago. But the only thing that has ever bothered me is that I've been told the fairytale ended. But how is it a fairytale when it's real? When it's something that is truly intangible? I never grew up wanting or waiting for prince charming. As a matter of fact in my late 20's I wrote men off for good. I was sure I'd die alone. I still may die alone at the rate shit is happening. I am not upset with my happy head person at all - This is definitely not a slight on her at all!!! I need to be clear about this because she is amazing! I just can't figure out what the fuck is going on!?!?!?

I feel like I am being tested, but why? I don't think I can take much more of this. I may do what my friend Ali did & sell everything & go on my spiritual quest. I always thought I'd end up living overseas, specifically England, because I've always been in love with that country. I don't know why, but ever since I was a child I've wanted to go there. Really I have been climbing the walls to journey somewhere where there is a lot of peace & serenity & silence. I hate the city I live in because the people suck here. No one ever takes accountability for their actions & no one gives a fuck anymore. There's no pride in having a job or performing said job. It's sad...

Anyway, I haven't eaten yet & it's already lunch time. Maybe I'll just go drown my sorrows in some Baskin Robbins.

Intuition

2010-03-15T21:47:00.001-05:00

So do you ever feel like your inner voice is screaming at you, but you are plugging your ears with your fingers? Sigh...Sometimes it just sucks when you follow your gut instincts & stumble upon truths...I think I may be presumptious, but my gut is telling me it's not so. Only time will tell...

Blogaholic

2010-03-14T18:17:00.002-05:00

So I used to despise my blog & now I jut randomly write. Not sure why, but I've posted a million more times this month than any other. Quite possible has to do with my husband being out of the country.

Now on to bigger & better things! Even though my hairstylist scalded my scalp, I have to say that my hair looks fantastic! I mean, true J. Lo spec. I wish I knew how to maneuver my blog better so I could post a pic.

I have been having horrible headaches, but I think it may be sinus crud. Wait, this isn't a bigger & better thing. I think I mainly just wanted to say how fabulous my hair looks after all this drama. Ok, well I hope everyone has enjoyed this fabulous weather!!!

XXOO

Oh it's another Spaghettios Night

2010-03-13T22:13:00.001-06:00

That's all I'm gonna say.

Something I haven't done since College

2010-03-12T16:07:00.002-06:00

So I was soooooooooooooooooooo hungry by the time I got home, I opened up a can of Spaghettios & ate them straight out of the can. Who the hell does that? ME! Me who obviously does not like to nor knows how to cook. I blame my husband for not being here to cook for me. I also have cup-o-noodles in the pantry along with Hostes cupcakes(don't ask).

When I was in college I lived off of Spaghettios. You may think this was just a starving student thing, but truth be told my mother never cooked & I was raised on shit like that. Sometimes I'd have a spaghettios sandwich. You know mix it up a bit. So sad!! But I don't think anyone understands my true resistance to cooking & being in the kitchen. I can clean like there's not tomorrow, but I can't cook to save my life.

Ugh, now my Jewish grandmother was even worse. But my Chinese grandmother could cook! Too bad we didn't see enough of her. She was really cool. I can't figure out how the bad cooking skipped from my father's side to my mother's side & then down to me. It's just like how we love to watch Wheel of Fortune. My paternal grandfather, my mother & then me. Who knows?!?!?

Ok, that's about it. Update on my wounded scalp, it's getting better. Sigh...I think I am going to have some cup-o-noodles & call it a day.

Peace out!!

Square Peg Round Hole

2010-03-11T22:47:00.002-06:00

Do you ever feel like you are trying so hard to fit yourself into something that just doesn't quite fit? I don't mean clothes either. All my life I have felt like that & I don't like to force things. I think forcing things goes against nature & that ain't right.

I was discussing this with my happy head person & she told me that I am different. I've always known I was different. I mean, my mother is Chinese & my father is white. There's a start. BUT, the one thing I wish someone would have told me when I was a child, is that it's ok to be different. I think my childhood would have been easier. Not in the family sense, but in a peer sense. I don't think my parents understood how much trauma I went through as a child because I tried so hard to fit in with all the cookie cutter white church going people (not knocking anyone who goes to church!). I was the one who didn't have perfect skin, I was the one who didn't go to church, I was the one who had a wickedly fast sense of humor. None of that is wrong, but I didn't know that.

On the other hand, I was raised to not see color or religion. I love that. I feel like I am really open minded & I actually don't mind people who are religious, just as long as you don't push it on me. I'm cool with that.

Now I am just trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. But I guarantee it won't include trying to fit my trapezoid self into a circle. Or something to that effect.

My head bleepin' hurts

2010-03-10T19:19:00.003-06:00

So my scalp is peeling off in chunks. For a couple of days, the blisters would bust in my sleep & I'd wake up with matted hair. Yuck...Now it's just breaking off in chunks. That is all I have to report. Other than I am exhausted...

Peace out..

I miss my husband & this is why I fell more in love with him

2010-03-08T21:39:00.002-06:00

Here is an instant message exchange that we had the other day...He makes my heart really sing...

Jennifer says:
nice
u still there?
Alex says:
jes
Jennifer says:
i am skerred
Alex says:
??
Jennifer says:
bout job
and a little sad
Alex says:
why sad?
Jennifer says:
not sure
i think shopping always makes me feel a little blue
Alex says:
But it's normal to be a bit skeered about a new job interview, but just know that you are awesome, and regardless of the outcome you will still be awesome. Also you don't 'need' a job, so that shold take some of the pressure off.
As for feeling blue, I can definitely empathize, I ran to the plane in Houston and thought I was going to die. And I only ran like 100yards. We just have both gotten wake up calls. Either we can pick ourselves up and overcome, or let our current state define us.
Jennifer says:
true
Alex says:
I'd rather go with option A, as we are better than this, and we can change.
Jennifer says:
yeah...i agree. it's just hard in my state to feel confident because i see myself as fat girl
it's just the gist of today
not overall
Alex says:
I have a big nose, unique features, people consider me 'funny looking' most days. But I don't care. You just need to be comfortable in your skin, for now, and work to change it so you are happy in it tomorrow. You may not feel like you like how you appear, but appearances are such a small part of who we are. We could be burned, handicapped, missing an eye.
Jennifer says:

Alex says:
things could be 'so much worse' when you put it into perspective, that having a few pounds extra really boils down to something insignificant. Not that it's not troublesome, or that you shouldn't feel a certain way, but try and balance it against what you see around you, or what could be so much worse for either of us.
Jennifer says:
you are making me cry
Alex says:
But even if those things had happened, even if you were horribly disfigured by some accident, you'd still be the most beautiful girl in the room to me, and that should always be enough. I've never told you, but you're the first person that ever made me feel attractive. Sure I have always been confident, but it's been in a 'fuck you if you don't like me for me' kind of way.
Jennifer says:
really?
Alex says:
I've had countless people ask me when I will get my nose fixed and I just laugh... they don't get it, but you do. You make me a better man, and I hope, that I make you a better woman. You are my everything... you are the most captivating and amazing person I have ever met. And I am just as proud to have you on my arm now as I was when we first met.
Jennifer says:
thank you baby...i really needed that tonight. i know how you feel, but I really really need this
Alex says:
Hooters is still fail and aids for me, and I never look at another girl... that should count for something? Hell I'm going to the land of whore asians and my only thought when I go to bed is the lingering memory of my hands on your skin, you beatiful eyes looking back at me, and your smell that brings me so much comfort...
You have changed my world, and I am a better man for it... you constantly haunt my dreams and are the last thing I think of when I close my eyes, and the first thing I think of when I wake...
Jennifer says:
i wish i could eloquate as well as you -lol! but all this means the world to me
Alex says:
We're both a bit fluffy, and I felt sooo self concious before I left for my trip when I realized I was trotting around in my skivies when packing... I want to change, for me, but also for you... I want to grow old with you, and living like this isn't going to do it. We're probably both borderline diabetic and we can't become like Brandon and Katie, we need to kick some ass.
I will be your ROCK when I come home, and if you kick ass in the meantime, so much the better... but know that I am with you honey, but regardless of what you feel or think you look, you are far and away the best fish in the sea.
Jennifer says:
lol

thank you baby...i feel your love wrapped all around me like an old comfortable blanket
you are my world & thank you for being my rock.
Alex says:
I did mean what I said though, thank you for loving me...for me... with all my dents and scratches from the years I have lived. You even loved me after getting all scarred up from back surgery... Words never do my heart justice when I try and tell you how I feel and what you mean to me...
Always and forever baby... I need to get working on something right now however, but know you are always in teh forefront of my thoughts and my heart.
Jennifer says:
thank you baby...so much....i love you & I am going to save this im
Alex says:

Jennifer says:
i feel very loved right now & just warm on the inside
Alex says:
me too honey, me too... two sides of the same coin, always...
no leave me alone I'm trying to get to the choppah!! /Ahnold
Jennifer says:

Be Careful what you ask for

2010-03-05T21:57:00.002-06:00

Ok, so ever since I have had this amazing emotional & physiological breakthrough, the universe has been a very kind & loving place. I mean, almost simultaneously about four jobs just dropped in my lap. In this economy I am grateful! The other night I felt even closer to my husband because of his beautiful words & how he expressed how much he truly loves me for me regardless of how fluffy I get.

Today I think the Universe was trying to teach me a lesson. So I jump through hoops to get a hair appointment because my hair is really boring me. I have all these appointments next week where I want to look all grown up & polished. I was supposed to go into work from 10-12 & then 7-9 today. But instead the manager decides I am ready to do the closing shift which starts at 3:30 pm. So then that put me in a conundrum because I had my hair appointment at 1 pm. Well I got a little pissed because I said I could open but forgot I had my appointment, so I called back & said I had this appt. Well Ebber Debber mgr says 'I already told Summer.' Like, the 20 minutes that passed didn't matter because she told someone I would work. Long story short it irritated me & then I kept saying I didn't want to go into work.

Fast forward to my hair apt. So I bring in this picture of J. Lo with bangs. I already have bangs so all I needed was to get my hair colored. My hair stylist says 'No problem! We only have to strip your hair & then put toner in it.' Brilliant I say! So all is going well, it takes 2 hours just to get the foil in my hair (I have a tonof hair!). So the next step is to put me under the hair dryer & let the bleach do its magic & strip my hair. Next after that add toner, blow dry my hair & voila' - magical hairstyle appears. Well, that's how it was supposed to go...

Here's what really happened. I get the tin foil in my hair & I settle in under the hair dryer. It's kind of soothing with the low heat & the humming. About 5 minutes into this ordeal, my scalp begins to BURN like someone poured acid on my head. I mean the heat was so intense that I leapt out of my chair & ran across the salon yelling 'ANDRE!!! ANDRE!!!! It BURNS, it BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNS!!!!!!' Andre' is my hairstylist who is African American, dreads & pretty built & Ex-Navy. Oh & totally Gay! I love all that about him, but he looked at me like 'Fool! Whatchoo doing out from under that dryer? It ain't time yet!' Then he realized what was going on. By this time my scalp was literally steaming. STEAMING. Did I mention that my scalp was on fire without the fire?!?!? He reached for his spray bottle & began hosing my head down. Then he rushed me to the wash basins & started ripping tin foil out of my hair frantically & then hosed me down again with the hair wash thingy. It HURT so badly & burned like a mofo. Now I was crying hysterically for several reasons...1) How the hell am I going to explain this one to my boss? 2) OMG BBq sauce this was painful 3) Do i have to go to the dr. on a Friday night?!?!? 4) Triple OMG BBq sauce this was so painful 5) Why the hell does this have to happen when my husband is out of the country & I am inside the loop & live in Katy?!?! 6) Oh hell I don't know, just know there are at least 6 reasons I was crying hysterically.

I finally stopped bawling & gathered myself enough to get into my car. I called my boss first to tell her my incident with hairgate. Then I called my brother whose mother in law happens to own hair salons & said the same thing my stylist said 'Some bleaches don't mix well with metal based hair dye & you can't put them under the dryer' IF ONLY THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN A SIGN THAT SAID THAT OR SOMETHING TO CLARIFY THAT before YOU BLEACH MY HAIR & PUT ME UNDER THE DRYER. My brother met me at my house, looked my wounded scalp over, researched some stuff on the interwebs & then let me know I'd be ok. Just have to run my head under cold water to get all the chemicals out. I took 3 ibuprofen & that has helped.

My scalp isn't on fire anymore. I do have a couple of blisters, but throughout all of this the irony is that my hair is perfectly ok. Ha!!! So then I was like did Uni do this so I didn't have to go to work? Next time can we leave out the pain & burning?!?!?

Ok, that's it for now because I am exhausted & need to sleep this trauma off. I can laugh now as I remember running across the salon with steam flowing off the top of my head. Pretty funny sight when you visualize it.

Peace out Peops!

Karma

2010-02-27T21:33:00.003-06:00

You know...I really enjoy my new job. It's autonomous & yet supervised. It's a good blend for me. It doesn't pay much, but hey, I am happy doing it. Also I get to do another job & be nanny to my niece & nephew pretty soon. I am excited about that as well because I will get to bond with them even more & help out my family.

Damn I am a.d.d! I was posting about Karma. So my girl Melissa calls me with an early Christmas present. I won't go into too much detail because some of you don't know the background to this & it's way too much to talk about. BUT, an ex co-worker of mine got her upcomings & you know what? She deserves it. Good will always win in my opinion over evil. Now I know, I am not supposed to be all bitchy & hope for the worst for people, but sometimes there are just mean evil people who deserve the stuff they dish because they wouldn't know good if it hit them upside the head with a 2x4. So why bother? I just pop popcorn & watch it unravel. YES! This is me throwing a Fist Pump to the POWER of Karma. & THANK YOU Melissa for bearing early Christmas gifts. We need to hang out soon because I miss you! Anyway, I say get your Karmic energy in order & do unto others as you'd have done unto you. Life is what you make it so go get it!~!!!

Peace & Love,

Jen

Follow Through

2010-02-26T09:00:00.002-06:00

So I want to apologize for starting & stopping different journeys to all my readers. It's not fair to tease you all in such a real manner. My intentions have never been to not follow through, it's just that something always happens. For years I have been really good at making up an excuse for whatever. For instance, last week I was going to replace all soft drinks with water. Sounds simple enough right?!?! Well here is what happened...

For the past two weeks, whenever I eat I get really ill. I feel like I am going to hurl & the only thing that helps with nausea is a soft drink. I don't know if it's the heavy bad for you syrup or if it's the carbonation that makes me feel better. Either way my intent went down the drain faster than drano. I just know in my heart of hearts that I want to just be healthy. I think when I have some $$$ saved up I am definitely going to a professional for nutrition. Why not?!?!? A little guidance never hurts. So I guess I just wanted to say sorry for not having a real adventure yet. It's more like Detour Land. lol!

I start my new job today & am a bit nervous. Even though High Schoolers can do it, I still am uncomfortable in my body & I think that translates into my every day interactions. We'll see how it goes!!!

Peace & Love!!!

How do you do it?

2010-02-25T19:27:00.002-06:00

So I am going nuts because my husband left today for his tour of the world - in other words, his first business trip - & I am nervous. He will be gone for a month & I am not used to him being gone. He's my bff & we do everything together & have never spent more than 4 nights apart. I probably need to get over myself, but I can't sleep when he's not here.

If your significant other leaves for long bouts at a time, how do you cope? I really welcome your comments!

Peace & Love

Tag! You're it.

2010-02-24T14:19:00.002-06:00

So my friend Tex has tagged me to rattle off 7 random little known facts about myself. In the spirit of cool things to do, here are mine:

I've never had a martini. I found out at a young age that I am allergic to alcohol. Ok, before y'all start thinking about calling cps on my parents, I meant when I was doing that kid thing in High School & figured out that the Al-k-haul is not for me. So therefore I have never had a martini.
I am insanely obsessed with Sting & The Police. I fell in love in jr. high & never looked back. As a matter of fact when my husband & I went to see The Police in concert, the first thing he did was hand over his wedding ring as a joke, well kind of, ok not really. Not to mention my friends have trained themselves to call me whenever they get a whiff of Sting being on a talk show or performing on t.v.
I think that flatulence is hysterical!!! I don't know why, but toots make me laugh so hard I almost pee my pants. Burps run a close second, but farts take the cake. Hahahaha!!!
My favorite junk food snack is to take a bite of a snickers bar, throw a handful of popcorn in my mouth at the same time. Crunch the chocolate with the salty & wash it down with Dr. Pepper. NOM NOM. I figured this out in college & not sure why. But I hearts it.
When I was four years old I broke my right hand just as I was learning to write. I was ambidextrious for a while.
I am a day dreamer. I day dream at all hours of the day - even when I am happy. I have a rather large imagination & if it were appropriate for an adult to truly act like a kid, I probably would.
I have hearing like a bat. It drives me crazy. I can hear people blink & when people tap their fingers all the way across a room. I wish I had cooler Spidey Senses, but I am stuck with ears that can hear 5 miles away & in a wind tunnel.

I am supposed to tag other bloggers, but I am not as rico suavey about doing thing with my blog. So if you are reading this, post your fun facts!!!

Peace out!!!

180

2010-02-22T09:26:00.004-06:00

This is a nice round number. It's also the number that popped up on the scale this morning. I haven't weighed myself in a while. So I thought since I am embarking on the poor man's version of The Biggest Loser, I needed to weigh in. I am ok with this number. NormallyI'd feak out, but I know things are going to change. I feel like I have a heightened sense of awareness now - like reading labels & using real food to fuel my body.

This morning I got up and felt peaceful. No anxiety & no million miles an hour thoughts. So I drank a cup of organic coffee with organic half & half & blech splenda. But baby steps remember? Then I hopped on my treadmill for the duration of a dvr'd dr. oz show & wrote down my exercise. 2.5 mph:1.388miles:33:38 minutes.

Breakfast: 8 0z of Organic Greek yogurt, 1/4 cup of blueberries & 1/4 organic granola. Not too bad :) I am also trying my vice busting with the water. So far so good. When I kick the soft drink habit it's going to be awesome!!!!

Also, I know I've started & stopped a lot of things. But after reading Half Assed it reminded me that I just have to do it. Or as Nike says - Just Do It!!! It doesn't have to be completing an Iron Man Triathlon, just get it done! I am going to run errands & then when I get back I am going to workout again., Like I said, poor people's version of The Biggest Loser. Lol!!! So, great start to a Monday.

Peace out Peops!!!

All the Women Independent...Throw Your Hands up at Me!

2010-02-21T19:44:00.003-06:00

Remember when Destiny's Child sang that song for Charlie's Angels? I REALLY Love it when chicks kick ass in movies. It makes me want to be just like them. I visualize me in my rock hard body whoopin' some ass! At one point in time I used the phrase 'Work hard / Play hard!' Which I actually did do. I completed a sprint triathlon & ran my first 5k. Quite honestly, I hate to run. Not a big fan at all. It hurts & then I don' get far. But I do remember feeling great for being able to run ok, jog the entire 5k. Really I realize that ya just need to move your body to feel great. Regardless what your MO is for doing it.

So I am reading this great book about busting your vices. I like the way she writes & guides you through some lifestyle changes. For instance, she pegs the top 3 vices that keep people from losing weight. You ready to hear them? Drum roll please.........1) Soft Drinks 2) Fast Food 3) t.v. I was like, damn, is this chick stalking me?!?! How does she know this? So she gets you to take out a vice one week at a time. I am going to try this as my MOJO is back! I am a better version of my old self, I just need to get my oustide to match my inside. My man is leaving for a month :( for a business trip & I am going to be all alone. I really look at it though to recalibrate my bad habits into good ones & get my arse moving. But I am still going to miss him. I know sleeping will be hard to do.....

Well all my independent Ladies, get out there & move yo body! One step at a time.

xxoo

I am so Drunk...with Love & Compassion

2010-02-18T18:56:00.003-06:00

So I think I finally know what it is like for someone who does drugs & gets that instant high. I've never done drugs (they scare me!) & I don't drink. BUT, my assumption is that what I am feeling is like a hit of heroin. I feel so amazing that if I could shoot this feeling into my veins I'd probably do it every day.

I had a visit with my amazingly Awesomesauce incredibly Dazzling beautiful Loving Therapist & FINALLY had a real emotional release. I won't go into details, but I just have to say this: I get a gold star for accomplishing something & truly passing through to the other side. I can't even form sentences & literally am slurring my speech because the release was that intense & that real. I truly feel drunk & high at the same time & can finally say THIS is what it's supposed to feel like. I think I have a lot of great shizz coming my way & I am stepping out of my way & getting it done! Ok, I am too wooozy to type anymore.

Love to all!!!

Going Green

2010-02-14T10:48:00.002-06:00

So I posted a while back about my mission to go green. Starting with food. It literally is baby steps. I mean one thing at a time. The one thing I have done is I have gone pretty much 99% organic. Anything that is cooked is organic & can I tell you it makes a huge difference in taste & how I feel? The coffee even tastes cleaner. The strange thing is this, whenever I eat a healthy meal, I instantly get sick. I mean nauseated & have to lie down. If I eat a junk meal, I am bouncing around the room fine. Am I that TOXIC?!?! I think I have to go through dr. grose's First Line Therapy. I'll know more tomorrow morning. Speaking of, my third round of progesteron starts on the 16th. We'll see how that goes. Again, my energy has been wishy washy again.

Woke up with all kinds of congestion. I can't imagine why...It's finally a nice day out. So the job hunt is so/so. I am trying to figure out if I want to work for a year & clear out all debt & then retire permanently, or kick it & get by. I am seeing my happy heard person tomorrow so she'll be able to help point me in the right direction. I wanted to stop, but i think one more visit can't hurt!

Oh! Happy Valentine's Day to everyone!!! We are not ones to celebrate, but for those who do more power to ya :) I hope everyone is surrounded by the peple they love every day!

Hugs!!!

Follow Up Dr.'s Visit

2010-02-11T12:48:00.002-06:00

So I just got back from a wonderful sushi lunch with my man. That was after I went to see Dr. Grose. She so reminds me of my mother I want to squeeze her so tight every time I see her! Anyway, I got the test results for my adrenal gland test & that baby is in overdrive! I wish I had a working scanner because I'd scan my results to be able explain it better. I think the gist of it is this, that my cortisol levels are off the charts so my adrenal gland is working over drive. I am not able to turn my brain off so I am using up all this energy with my wondering thoughts. Remember a couple of posts ago when I said how my thought processes go? Now I know why. The strange thing is, it says I am stressed out, but I don't feel stressed out because my body is used to it. She even told me that if the supplements she gave me didn't work, then I'd need to work towards something like meditation to calm my brain down. Oh & she told me that the melatonin in our bodies kicks in at 1 am & I have to be asleep by 11 pm. Two hours prior to meatonin, we should be asleep. I am a night owl & can't turn my brain off & she said that is affecting my stress levels as well.

She put me on probiotics & a vitamin b complex. Then she told me to take 4000 ius of vitamin d instead of the 2500 I'd been taking. Again, she emptied out my wallet. But I firmly believe I will get healthier & in the long run this won't be so expensive. We are staying on the progesterone plan as well. As soon as I save up some benjamins, I am going to go to her nutritionist. They do a whole body plan - blood panel to start & then counseling.

I truly am glad that I reconnected with Dr. Grose. She is amazing! I am excited to be figuring this whole health thing out. Well, I am going to take a nap. It's one of those cold rainy days :)

Hugs & Peace!!!

Sugar

2010-02-09T18:53:00.003-06:00

I'm convinced that sugar is the devil. I may have mentioned this before. It's right up there with my sister-in-law & Bin Laden. It's so addictive. I think in the past I let myself get wrapped up in the emotional eating that when I try to leave sugar, I come back like an abused wife. It's awful. I get horrible headaches & nausea if I don't get it. Maybe it's more like crack. Whatever it is, I think it's probably best if I let it go.

Not sure what is going on, but my energy slumps are back. I took like two naps today & slept til 10 am this morning. I need to call my dr. tomorrow & set up an appointment. Ugh...I can't afford her right now though. Also I am a bit worried because I think the lymph node under my right armpit is a bit swollen & tender to the touch. Yeah...probably need to get that checked out.

Anyway, my life is about as boring as it can get. Just checking in...

Peace & Love!

Spring Cleaning out my Friend Closet

2010-02-05T15:38:00.002-06:00

Ok...so my friend Tex just posted on her blog about a friend going away. I am not sure what the circumstances are, but whatever it may be it's for a reason. Then I thought it so coincidental because I was just going through the same thing.

I have a friend who was my maid of honor at my wedding. We haven't seen each other since then - my wedding was 3 years ago. I've tried consistently to set up a visit to see her because I know she is busy & I am trying to get around her schedule. Every time I reach out to her, she makes up some really bullshit excuse as to why she doesn't want to hang out. I have broached her about this & she swears everything is cool between us. The kicker? She thinks I am completely dumb & none the wiser to her ways. I mean, I am sure she bitched about being my moh & in the end, one of my other bridesmaids ended up being a rock star at my wedding. I don't know, the energy just isn't the same. Her life is always full of drama & I love her for who she is, but I am done being rejected & ignored. Fuck it, life is too short to keep being shot down. She makes me feel like I am a burden to her. Why not just say what the fuck you mean?

For example, we went to the very first ACL Fest together & I haven't been since but she has. There have been a couple of times when I have asked her if she is going. Her response? 'Everyone is coming in for this & we have a full house.' Uh....ok. So I guess that's a yes? She automatically assumes that I am asking to stay with her & go together & she just starts rambling about other people & all the plans & who is staying where. It was something we shared & I asked her casually. Then, when she was going thru her divorce, I was there every weekend because I remembered how much it sucked to be alone when you go thru a big break up. I guess I became the expendable one. So, today, I am releasing & spring cleaning out my friend closet. Really she's the only one so far. But I am too old for this shit & life's too short.

So when do you draw the line? Threshold? As I've gotten older, my threshold has gotten a lot shorter. Sometimes I give up on mankind & just go it alone. Anyway, I am a bit bitter & need to write this out so I can let go & move on. I hope all of you have that very best friend that sticks with you through thick & thin. I have yet to find it. My husband is, but that's different. I need that good girlfriend. Sigh...oh well, maybe when I get a job & go back to school that will change :)

Well, have a great weekend party people!!!!

Cleanliness is close to Godliness

2010-02-04T13:39:00.002-06:00

I believe this statement to be true. My entire life I have been a slob. No two ways about it, just a big fat slob! Then I married a slob :) Let me clarify, we both love each other, support each other & have the exact same bad habits! I married myself-narcissistic yes, but it works. I don't know how many of you all feel this way, but when your house is messy don't you find your mind wondering over to that area of your life?

Here is a typical day for me (Pretend it's my thoughts talking out loud). Self: So I need to get up first thing & walk on treadmill while clearing out my dvr. Then I need to grocery shop (BLECH) & figure out what to eat. Hmmm...damn, the kitchen needs to be done & I still have to make sure Alex has clean underwear. Plus trash day is tomorrow & I should clean before they come. I think I need a nap, but must fight it. DAMN-now I'm hungry & hate the grocery store so I am just going to grab something to eat & then clean. After I clean, I can plan everything else. Reality: I ease out of bed, & sometimes get on the treadmill first thing in the morning. Sometimes I am too hungry & scrounge. Then I surf the net & waste all my time all the while the aforementioned thoughts still ramble thru my head. By the time I am ready to get stuff done Alex will be home. So the moral of my random thoughts is this - Get your shit done. Once your house is clean, then that never crosses your mind. You have freed up a LOT of time to exercise & meal plan or whatever. At least that is how it is in my situation.

Whatever I have been doing has not been working. Now, on to other things. I made it to the dreaded place this afternoon & to my surprise there were sales on everything. Kroger is where I went. Anyway, my point is this. I bought some (YES-BELIEVE!!) organic chicken legs for about $3.69. Why? The sell by date is tomorrow. So I can cook them up for dinner & have some leftovers. Kroger has manager's specials that will help keep your wallet nice & fat while slimming down your waist. I bought some frozen dinners - Weight Watchers ones on sale too! Moral of this story is that the grocery store has sales too. Look for the manager's specials & (what's the damn word I am looking for?!?!?!) items that they will no longer be selling.

Something else I am finding out is snacking is a God send. I usually want to eat the kitchen table so convenience is a huge thing for me. I have found that salsa (not organic yet-but will get there!) is a great filler. Some true corn chips & I am good to go. It gives me the satiety I need so I don't go through the drive - thru.

Well my friends, I have taken some baby steps & hopefully will be walking soon when it comes to the whole foods. I am going to follow weight watchers online to keep my portions in check & follow Marilu Henner's Total Health Makeover. Her stuff makes so much sense & I can give things up gradually instead of going batshit insane. Also-I took my adrenal gland test & should be seeing my naturopath in a couple of weeks for a follow up!

Peace out & Green Inside

Food Journey

2010-01-30T22:01:00.004-06:00

So after my last post I realized that yes, I was a bit emotional, but it has sparked something inside me. The first thing I am going to do, is visit nearby supermarkets to see who carries what organic products, the local farmer's markets & pull out my vegan cookbooks.

Something else I'd like to do is learn how to grow a garden. This one might take a bit for me because I have no clue about that, but you have to start somewhere. So, I hope that my efforts will at least make another foot print towards believing in humanity again. I know, it's so dramatic, but I want the small farmer to survive. I want to feel my optimal health & know that if I ever have babies, they'll have a fighting chance in this world to have a healthy life. I want organic produce to be abundant on every corner. I know it won't be easy, but any little change ia good. For instance, I am now using vegenaise instead of mayonaise & I LOVE it. Tastes just like mayo & is 100% healthier. I am using Alicia Silverstone's The Kind Diet.

It's funny, now that I have energy I don't sleep all day so I need to find something to stimulate my mind. I can't think of anything better than working on going green!!!

That's it for now. Love you all!!!

Watching Food Inc.

2010-01-29T20:47:00.002-06:00

It's really hard for me to express how I feel right now. I mean really, really hard to express. As a matter of fact I feel so overwhelmed I've been reduced to tears. If you've seen then you'll understand what I am about to say next. I am overwhelmed & reduced to tears because it just seems like no matter what I do in this world it won't matter. Why? Because the big corporations run everything. You have to watch & see why, but just bear with me. It's bad enough the horrible treatment the animals receive, but to genetically modify & push that crap into our foods & there are no consequences? The big corporation is in bed with the government. I know, it's all a matter of opinion at this point - but I am PISSED. I am sick to my stomach & I can't stop the tears. My heart feels heavy & I don't know what to do. Does it really matter what changes I make? I have to say, I feel like I've been duped & that our country doesn't give a fuck about the ecological consequences.

I have a new mission. So the gov't can do whatever the fuck it wants & the corporations can kill as many people as they want, but I am going to get a job to pay for turning my house green. Food first & then everything else. I don't care if I starve in the process. I am so pissed & hurt & sad & AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!

i don't know what to do

2010-01-29T14:59:00.002-06:00

Sooooooooooo like I have all this normal energy & I have to say it rocks the casbah! It's been so long since i've felt normal :)!!!!

A cool thing or two that will result from this: (1) I will be able to wear a bikini by summertime (2) I will be able to wear a bikini by summertime...Yes, I have a goal!!! We were looking at Bora Bora for vacation but it's like $500 a night to stay there & that's like 3 star digs. So, it will either be England, Italy or New Zealand. Either way I want to look good & feel great for this trip! Alex will be traveling the world for work & racking up miles out the izz. So we'll be able to fly free.

I hopped on the treadmill this morning & would have kept going but my damn blind cat took a poop. Normally this isn't a problem, but since she is blind, when she poops she can't see to bury it so she doesn't even bother. Then the smell wafts into the house...BLECH!!! It interfered with my walk this morning...

Ok, I am going to use this insane energy to clean, clean, the house because we are road tripping to Plano tomorrow.

Peace out peops!!!

so bored....

2010-01-28T14:54:00.002-06:00

i don't think i've been this bored since my dad would take me on motorcycle business trips & since i was a kid really couldn't participate in anything.

i am also incredibly premenstrual...which i have found is not a really good time to join weight watchers - hahahaha. oh well, i am alloted 35 extra points for the week so i may just use them up today. i am doing this all online because the meetings i have found are for people who want to just talk. not all the meetings are like that, but the majority i have gone to in the past were like that & i wanted to pick my eyeballs out with forks by the end.

so i keep going back & forth on getting a job. i think i need to just chill & just be & realize that i am incredibly fortunate to not have to work. embrace it instead of fighting it because i know there are several people out there who are jobless. my own brother got laid off in december...but he is more of a grown up than me & has like 6 months of savings....

alex is about to leave the country in a couple of weeks & will be gone for a month. that is a really long time for us because we've never spent more than 3-4 nights apart. i hate it when he's not here at night, i can't sleep. but the reason i brought this up is he won't be a distraction either. the only time i will be putting on my personal trainer hat is for me. i weighed myself & cannot believe how fat i am. i am not beating myself up, but REALLY? how is that i let myself go? was life so horrible i forgot about myself? i guess the only thing i can truly do is one step at a time & move forward. the cool thing is with rewards points, i got myself a pedometer & a new scale (since mine is broken). so that was free kind of - lol!

anyway, this is what happens when I am bored. i guess i can get back on the treadmill & watch my dvr shows...well, i hope everyone is well!!

love you all!

Hmmmmm...

2010-01-27T14:56:00.003-06:00

So my friend Tex & I have been chatting about blogging. SHE just moved her awewsomesauce Blog & has some really cool & upcoming blog stuff. So check her out when you can!

Also some of my friends are doing weight watchers. I go back & forth for doing that online because it is hands down one of the best online tools to use. Especially for points users, you are allotted a certain amount of points & u just plug in what you ate & voila - the pounds melt off. But, I don't want to pay $$.. Hahahaha. I don't know, I've been really wishy washy with that stuff. All I can say for now is that I am HAPPY. I haven't felt truly happy in a really long time.

Do you remember the last time you really felt happy? For some it's an every day occurance, for others it seems to be a struggle. I plan on using this new found happiness to get my bikini body back. I know, I've talked a lot of shizz about getting back in shape, but I FINALLY have the energy to do so. HALLELUJAH!!!!

Oh & this totally random, but I HAVE to post this!!!! Ok, so when we first moved into my neighborhood we had a really sweet welcome from our immediate neighbors. Then we got SNUBBED. I mean, it was bad - they would not wave or look up when I walked outside or drove by. So finally instead of being nice, a few days ago I said FUCK it. I am just going to do my thing because quite frankly I think 99% of people are annoying. There are a LOT of sheep that live in Texas & it is just annoying. Anyway, I got an email out of the blue from a neighbor who snubbed me. Not only did she apologize for being a bad neighbor but she invited me to this. Anyone who knows me, knows I don't like dressing up & Being froo froo. At first I was scared they were going to throw bible verses at me & scorn me for not having children, but then I started looking & realized there are other groups within this group. So I think I will give it a chance, but my husband made fun of me and said I was going to be a Stepford wife. The way I see it, it's a social outlet for me that is way long overdue. And in actuality, my husband thinks I should join.

So that's about it. Hubby & I are ROCKING it as a couple & things are falling into place. I hope everyone is doing well & Hopefully I'll have more interesting things to talk about.

Love you all!!!

Just Ef it!

2010-01-21T11:09:00.001-06:00

So I have come to the conclusion that I am way too toxic to do such a drastic cleanse. I am now going to get healthier & then cleanse. I have the energy I have been lacking for so long - Thank GOD for bioidentical hormones!

I feel normal again & want to work out. I have been taking progesterone & vitamin d supplements. By now I should be wanting to be homicidal with my PMS, but that's not the case. A HUGE sigh of relief has been found. I really look forward to this year because I feel good!!! No anti-depressants here.

Mwah!! Love you all!!!

Cleanse Part Deux

2010-01-18T10:49:00.002-06:00

Ok, started liver cleanse again today. I am throwing all my positive energy into making it through this time. I got up this morning & hopped on my treadmill. It got cut short due to Husband's lack of planning, but that's ok because I am going walking with a friend later today. I get knd of irritated though because today is really a true fresh start for me. Blech, gotta let it go.

So that's about it. Nothing exciting or new other than God help me get through this!

Break on through to the other side...

2010-01-16T21:20:00.003-06:00

So I have to say that the holidays were bittersweet. Totally sweet for me in that my hubby & I had an amazing turning point in our relationship. Mainly because he finally saw things he needed to see for himself & it released me from a lot of negativity. So enough about that...

I haven't posted in a while because I just neglect my blog kind of like when you don't shave your legs for a while & you decided to spruce yourself up just because it's that time to.

Let's see...I recently had a happy head person visit & at first I Was a bit kind of like 'Hmpf.' Not in a pissed off & bitter way, but mainly because there wasn't anything too deep rooted to reveal :) Essentially it is time for me to move on. I need to move forward in my life. Pretty simple. I am excited about the new ventures I am going to be embarking upon...So speaking of which, I think it's time to hang up my personal trainer hat. I love being a trainer, but now it's all about my intelect & stimulating it. As Annette put it, it's my chance for a do-over! Music to my ears!!!

Now with my hanging up my hat as a trainer, I now can take the pressure off myself to not look perfect. I can take my time to get back into that bikini. I can do it on my terms. I am still going to forge ahead with getting my health together. Today was such an eye opener for me :( I was walking briskly thru Target with my husband & I got winded!!! WTF? Really? Uh, so out of shape. So I start my cleanse again tomorrow & will do everything in my will power to push through it. As my friend Shatun says, it's all in your head in what you can do! So TRUE!!! So Head, let's get it together & break on thru to the other side!

Much love to you all & hopefully as much happiness as you can find!

Not today

2010-01-11T09:40:00.002-06:00

So I was going to go back on my cleanse today & when I woke up this morning I decided not until tomorrow. Why you may ask? Well, my house is so unorganized - i.e. messy & I know I'll fret about it until it's clean & in order. That way when I am dry heaving & curled into the fetal position, I won't have to worry about my house & it being in a messy disarray.

Also, I am turning the 'game room' into my zen room. I say 'game room' because it's really just the floor space between bedrooms upstairs. I have to get out of the bedroom & move! So I am setting up shop up there with my laptop, a cute desk to hold all of this, my zen music, painting the walls red, etc. We also moved the treadmill into the living room. I figure I can watch at least 2 hours of t.v. & walk at the same time!

Ok, well more to come tomorrow.

Love!

My Husband

2010-01-09T09:31:00.002-06:00

We have had some ups & downs & through it all he has been amazing. We went on a date last night & had the best time!!! He is a true gentleman too...For me, he is the perfect blend of being kind hearted, super intelligent, creative, loving & a badass. It's taken me a while to come back to the appreciation I have for our relationship & love, but I am glad I stuck around. We made it through the crazy family drama & he's in a healing process now. I am proud of him for being his own person & figuring things out on his own~well, maybe I nudged him a bit :) Anyway, just a short post to give a shout out to my hubby.

Peace & Love

Being Sucked BACK into the Vortex

2010-01-08T17:47:00.002-06:00

So I was happy & resolved about not finishing my cleanse & who the hell calls me? MY mother! Ok not really my mother, but the dr. equivalent of her. I know I've said this before, but Dr. Grose is the Asian Dr. version of my mother. Totally the little lady in the Incredibles who says 'NO capes!' You don't say no to the lady who says No Capes!

Anyway, she told me to restart my cleanse on Monday & half the cleansing shake. Sigh...why did she have to call? Should be interesting because Alex will be out of town & I am going to be climbing the walls with withdrawals. I guess I know what to expect this time...

Peace & Love Peops!

Epiphany

2010-01-07T22:44:00.002-06:00

So today was really hard for me. I mean physically I thought I was dying. I dry heaved for about 30 minutes & had horrible penetrating pain in my shoulder. It was my left shoulder (the one I didn't have surgery on). Then I had an epiphany...

A few years ago I just gave up. I had a horrible heart ache & I let it consume me. In that time frame I attracted some awful things because I felt awful. I really had wanted to talk to my therapist about how to let go of hurtful things. I mean there are days when I wake up & the cruelness I endured at a particular job that was supposed to empower women pulses through my veins. At the end of the day, I can't change what happened & so now I am letting those thoughts go play in traffic. They do me no good & I will never truly get revenge :) lol! Ok sometimes I do visualize revenge, but I am getting past that.

While going through the hell of this cleanse, I realized that my life does not have to be so hard & painful. I mean shoulder pain - it felt like someone was poking me with a needle all the way to the bone & pulling it out & putting it back in. So I am tired of doing the same thing over & over again. What my issues lie with are how my physical being is right now. It's not happy. It's overweight & ick! So I start there..

It all comes down to eating well & moving my ass. I so desperately want to get back into training. I KNOW I am a great personal trainer & that is where my passion lies. I can't wait to workout again!

So with all that being said, I am taking myself off my cleanse. I am not going to go back to dairy or sugar. Maybe caffeine...But I want to enjoy life! I may have a piece of cake here & now, but it's my life & I can do that. I love you all who rooted for me through this!!! I can't wait to post about my real journey now...

Peace out!

Day 4 Captain's Log: No Halitosis Here

2010-01-07T07:20:00.004-06:00

So the one major thing I am noticing is that my breath doesn't stink. Hopefully you are reading this in the right context! I woke up this morning without dragon breath. Kind of nice. What isn't so nice is my allergies are full force. My eyes won't stop itching & my nostrils are taking turns closing up. Damn you dairy!!! But I love chips & queso & hope there is an alternative out there for me. I am really hungry today. I want eggs & bacon & oatmeal. I can't have any of it. Only veggies, fruit & beans today. Blech...My skin is still rough but I am hoping that is because it's purging. Oh & I've decided that the shake I am drinking isn't that bad at all. I am guessing it's the equivalent of a pediasure or something. Anyway, updates to follow. Also, I haven't exercised at all during this.

Update #1 9:13 am: I am actually posting this because I think this is very funny. So my scale is broken & I have no way to weigh myself. Well, there is one other way which is my Wii Fit Board. However, I have to pop in the Wii Fitness Game & it makes you take an assesment. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-the first thing it does is say 'Wow! It's been 465 days since I've seen you last!' uhhhhhhhh whoops. Then it measure you via the Wii Fit Board. So when I first weighed in 465 days ago, I thought I was struggling with weight. Nothing like a game to tell you 'You've gained 17.9 pounds since you last weighed yourself.' Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn! Really? I already knew I was overweight & now you put the cherry on top of this fail sauce? So, nothing to really report about the cleanse, just some serious reality. lol! Wtf? Where the hell did I go in life?!?!? Wherever that was, it was not working.

Update #2 12:06 pm: ok, not sure what the hell happened, but i am consumed with nausea & my left arm is tire. from my shoulder all the way down my bicep, i feel likei have been holding a 10 pound weight straight out for about 2 hours. it doesnt feel like i am lifting weights like sore, but just exhausted. this is the first time during this i have wanted to quit. i haven't been able to take shake yet. too nauseous. i did manage to swallow my horse pills but that is as far as ive gotten. this is all i am posting today. my arm can't take the typing.